Kurt Russell

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File:Skyhigh1.jpg Kurt Russell is a German-Irish-Botox-American actor who ruined his career by starring in Waterworld although is known primarily for his role as the guy who banged your mother senseless in the back seat of a '76 Impala while your father attended an AA meeting. Remember? She made you wait outside, and when she was done getting creampied, she gave you a Tootise Roll and told you she was just wrestling. Then Kurt mussed your hair and called you "Champ".

Raping of Kurt Russell's Childhood[edit]

Russell became an actor after escaping Dr. Fungo's Circus of the Depraved, to which he had been sold as an infant from his hillbilly parents. From the age of two, Russell was trained to prance and caper for pennies, fling feces, and vomit on command, all of which would later serve useful when attempting to woo swamp donkey Goldie Hawn. Due to the incestuous nature of his parents, Russell never learned to speak English, but instead taught himself to ape language by watching reruns of Fat Albert, Voltron scripts, and violent Welsh bestiality films. According to his biography, I'm So Not Gay, Russell said that his first word was "Shhhhrhesjebilililili-hoo", which he later named his first child.

Raping of The Cinema's Childhood[edit]

I cannot emphasize enough how not gay Kurt Russell is.
Dude! So! Not! Gay!
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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Kurt Russell.

Russell was first inflicted upon the international moviegoing public in 1963 when he played Elvis Presley's skeleton in I Molested You At The State Fair. His four seconds of screen time resulted in seventeen suicides, over forty acts of arson, two hundred murders, one inadvertent nuclear explosion, and Mad Cow disease. A year later, Russell was arrested after his singing in The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes caused four thousand spontaneous abortions to occur worldwide.

For his crime, Russell was sentenced to be buggered on film by John Carpenter, the campy, guitar-strumming undead king of American schlock. Under this Satanic influence, Russell was nominated for an Oscar for "Best Male Prostitute", but lost to the actor who played the floating corpse in "Deliverance". Another effect of Carpenter's influence was Russell's mincing portrayal of cross-dressing puppy stomper Snake Plissken in Escape From New York, a character Russell modeled after Truman Capote. Russell suffered another setback in 1979, when his mullet filed for divorce, citing abuse.

In the 1980's, Russell spewed the visual equivalent of diarrhea across the face of Americans with movies like The Thing, Silkwood, and Swing Shift, a particularly cruel film that was subsequently banned under the Geneva Convention. However, he partially redeemed himself by agreeing to appear in Big Trouble in Little China, a troubling and mind-provoking documentary about the perils of San Francisco street gangs. In 1989, when James Woods hammered a wooden mallet through the heart of John Carpenter and chopped off his head, Russell sank into a deep depression that led to his marriage to the legally brain-dead foot model Hawn.

Onscreen, Russell has often played macho, manly characters such as firemen, police officers, soldiers, athletes, cowboys, and pirates. All this is more substantial proof that Russell is massively overcompensating for a deep, insatiable craving for cock.

Raping of Kate Hudson's Childhood[edit]

Russell has been married to professional Terri Schiavo impersonator Goldie Hawn for twenty years, confirming his penchant for necrophilia. The two successfully mated in 1988, creating a swarm of mutant frog-wasps with gin for blood. Together, they are part owners of a white slavery ring in West Hollywood and a Calcutta roller derby.

Trivia[edit]

  • Patrick Swayze was an unsuccessful Nazi attempt to clone Kurt Russell.
  • Russell masturbates into the skull of Marlon Brando once a day to keep himself young and supple.
  • Russell's hair lives within a miniature black hole that keeps it permanently stuck in 1984.
  • Kurt Russell bitchslapped Lee Van Cleef on a movie set, saying "Who's 'The Master' now, bitch?"
  • Kate Hudson freezes up whenever she sees Russell.
  • Both of Russell's feet are cloven hoofs.
  • Reportedly sold his soul to Quentin Tarantino for a chance to have an extra fifteen minutes of fame; had to throw in five thousand VHS copies of The Fox And The Hound to seal the deal.
  • Hates America.
  • Kurt Russell destroyed 5,113 tank-tops during the making of Big Trouble in Little China.
  • Kurt Russell has ALWAYS had chest hair.
  • The Porkchop Express is responsible for the 1980's.
  • Kurt Russell's semen was used to create the T-Virus from Resident Evil.
  • Kurt Russell was never the pretty boy everyone loved.
  • Kurt Russell is considered to be the devil, ready to rule the world in darkness.