Kutztown University

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Kutztown University is a combination 24-hour bar and brothel that includes a minor educational facility in Kutztown, Pennsylvania.

History[edit]

The college was founded some 5000 years ago by Amish settlers from Ohio who sought to convince the populace to give up driving cars in favor of riding bears. This legacy survives to this day not only because the Golden Bear is the university's mascot, but also because of the sheer lack of parking spaces on campus. Of course, the plot eventually failed because all the bears migrated to Chicago.

Shortly after its founding the school was taken over by an evil giant chicken, who ruled with an iron fist and also raised tuition. After a few years, such valiant heroes as Abraham Lincoln, Benjamin Franklin, and Barack Obama killed the chicken and put its severed head on the top of the main university building, where it can be seen today functioning as a clock tower.

As the population exploded and enrollment increased, the school sent out military expeditions to conquer neighboring lands. Of course, these expeditions all failed because the drunken jocks, woohoo drinking =P, were no match for Amish villagers with pitchforks. The war ended at a standstill and a 30-foot wide de-militarized zone was created between them, which still stands today. Although the Amish held their ground in the war they were continually displaced by settlers fueled by rumours of golden bear teeth and free cigrarettes buried under the ground, until they were eventually sent off to live in a reservation near Lancaster.

During prohibition it was concluded that the average Kutztown student already had enough alcohol in their blood to make 100,000 beers each. So there followed a great commercial quest to tap the student's alcohol reserve in their blood.

In 1996, the number of STDs on campus surpassed the number of students for the first time.

Academics[edit]

Kutztown University is known mostly for its Slacking major / Hacking and Spitting concentration. Of course, those who find this program of study too strenuous often opt for a Fine Art Major which prepares them for a great career as a McDonalds janitor. Popular majors are also Prostitution (Education), Creationism (Science), and Suicide (Graphic Design).

The business major department staff of professors are the main characters of the K.U. academic program. The main actors are: The Ice Queen as Rogol, Carl Winslow from Family Matters as J.D., Mr. USA as Ackay, The Drug Lord as Windle, The Big Easy as Sable, and finally That Funny Talking Guy as Gupta.

Main character storylines[edit]

  • Rogol: A daily show of the ice queen consist of stories about her kids and husband. Many of the notes are Factors and Guidelines that will mean jack-crappity-crap in the real world.
  • J.D.: A daily show of the Carl Winslow consist of bad uses of ghetto-hip-hop culture slang, which is twisted into a phrases or mottoes for the students to use in everyday life. Some favorite lines from J.D. are that he uses a lot on his show "Shoot from the hip, you'll shot your foot", "Word, dog", "DON'T be STUPID"(my favorite), and many more. Also J.D. feels he should not teach the material to the class, in rather preaching his new ministry of 'Jesus is black' religion. Also another lesson he teaches is that California started the Holocaust.
  • Ackay: A daily show of this character will teach you how we must nuke china and india now! Also Ackay favorite phrase is "Isn't It?" which he uses after every sentence, which leads to mass confusion among his students because he will continue to talk in circles.
  • WINDLE: A funny mustache man from columbia who sells his crack at a price of showing up to class everyday. Most of his shows are very funny and informative, but most students still fail because they are so addicted to his crack and jokes that they forget to study.
  • Gupta: A show of this mono-toned guy will make you tired. you'll be focusing on understanding what the hell he is saying rather than taking notes. Also his favorite line is "OKAY?" He likes to use that line after every sentence like Mr. USA.

Enrollment[edit]

Kutztown University strictly enrolls only Pennsylvania residents and will shoot any New Jersey resident who applies. There are currently 10,000 students, 15,000 STDs, and 100,000 Squirrels enrolled at Kutztown University.

In 2009, a new force of University Tour Guides banded with one common goal: To keep unwanted idiots out of the student body (though somehow there still seems to be PLENTY of those on campus). Many believe it is the role of the tour guide to attract horny high school seniors to Kutztown with talk of dorm life. This is incorrect. When a tour guide spots an unwanted student, the guide targets his or her mother, and then proceeds to tell her all known tales of alcoholism, prostitution, and attempted murder, all of which are quite high in the area.

Kutztown University affirmative actions program insist of 20 women, who are non-talented Hamburger Management Majors ((aka Art Majors)), per each Male business student.They feel it's their job to give women who can scratch their own blood onto a piece of paper, is worth giving them a degree.

Foreign Whores go to Shorty's Bar. They go to unleash their bad dance grinds and have sex with guys who have already banged a friend of theirs who also goes to Kutztown University.

Professor Benedict Schlong taught Pennsylvania Dutch and German at Kutztown University from 1957 until 1988, when some students from Communist China and India accused the Languages Department of being racist, xenophobic and Eurocentric. After that, all Europeans languages were dropped and today only courses in Third World languages are taught, with emphasis on Chinese. The new official school song is TURNING JAPANESE by the Vapors.

The New Language law, passed in 1998, provides that the Amish must stop speaking English and Pennsylvania Dutch, so as not to offend new Americans from the Third World. The law further requires that the Amish only speak Spanish, African or Asian languages, until these have had "equal time" with English. These laws are currently under appeal, and it is thought that they will end up before the U.S. Supreme Court. Supreme Court justice John Roberts has indicated that the decision could go either way, depending upon which side gives him the most cash.

Housing & Residential Services[edit]

After the Bears migrated to Chicago (right around the Cold War), ten buildings were erected by the Lynch Queen to imprison the 100,000 squirrels who inhabited the land. Unfortunately, a fat jew who majored in jewelry making and Prostitution (education) from Kutztown University decided to release the squirrels onto the unsuspecting Amish folk who travelled by horse and buggy to praise the chicken head every morning. Thousands were killed. The jewelry-making/ professional Prostitute jew then forced drunk people to inhabit the Cold War-esque dungeons for all eternity never to escape.

Campus Life[edit]

Life at Kutztown revolves around drinking and annoying other people as much as possible. Kutztown students occupy the town of Kutztown every night terrorizing third-generation decedents of the Amish War survivors. The campus police do not see this, because their sole purpose on campus is to give out parking tickets. Which is a pretty lucrative job since every KU student feels the need to drive their car no matter where they are going and then park it where ever they want to. Even though the entire town is about 2.5 miles long and 1.5 miles wide and there's a shuttle bus that is on a continuous loop. 97% of the students feel the need to bring and drive their car 24/7.


Unfortunately it is security that gives out parking tickets, and the University Police are forced to accompany 20 year old girls to the E.R. to have their stomachs pumped due to alcohol poisoning

The KU Honors Program[edit]

The Honors Program was created so that "highly motivated" students could live to do good work. In truth it is really a back-asswards program that is poorly run by a theatre teacher who never learned how to at least act like a good chairperson. Most of the students in the honors program are addicted to soft drugs like marijuana and beers like Bud Light or Pabst Blue Ribbon, but like to tell people they do cocaine and heroin. Generally, honors program students who go to parties will act like total tools and throw up after one glass of non-alcoholic wine. No students in the program actually do work that matters anymore, they just like to be in the honors program so they think they're better then everyone else. Let's face it though, when you're a pro-writing major who is going to grow up to be unemployed, is writing a crappy book for your Capstone Project really an accomplishment?

External links[edit]