“Either that wallpaper goes, or I'm dead.”
Life Deficiency Disorder (LDD) is a medical condition characterized by a total lack of aliveness. It is one of the most common disorders, affecting some 100 percent of the biological population of Earth, yet is strangely misunderstood and often remains undiagnosed until the patient's sudden death. However, diagnosis is currently 100 percent accurate when administered following the subject's death.
The root cause of LDD remains unknown. To date, research seems to suggest a possible relationship between LDD and the following conditions: falling more than 20 meters; having an anvil fall on one's head; spleen perforation; eating too many Pringles in one sitting; attempting to breathe water (intentionally or accidentally); adverse reaction to experiments; incomplete circumcision; standing up in the roller coaster when it goes through the tunnel; self-abuse; self-praise; application of a nonstandard grade of bathroom tissue against one's anus during travel; consumption of sharp or angular foods such as samosas, tortillas, or pretzels; infatuation with the baby-mommas of known gang-bangers; and many more factors.
Any living creature may, at any time, be affected by acute LDD. A sure sign is when your Health Care Provider discerns a pulse in your wrist simultaneous with a bulge in your wallet. After the diagnosis has been made, do not be nervous (injuries due to the attempted removal of wallets from fear-constricted buttocks are a major complicating factor in the treatment of LDD). Simply relax, open your checkbook, and let your Health Service Provider guide your writing hand.
At the present time, LDD is considered incurable; however, certain practices (breathing, consuming food and vitamins, drinking water) may be associated with lower risk factors for the disease. A genetic test is available to determine an individual's susceptibility to LDD; however, the test is not recommended, as every subject to date has tested positive anyway.