The Labradeer Retriever is a cross between a labrador retriever and a Reindeer. The Labradeer has fluffy antlers on its head, has big, brown eyes, a friggin huge nose (Note: The nose can be described as a shnozzola), floppy ears, a large tail and fur over 98% of its body. The newest born Labradeer Retriever currently resides in Montreal, Quebec. The parents were unavailable for comment, but we believe that they were insufferably drunk at the time of the…conceding. Rumor has it the parents were Rudolf of Santa’s reindeer, and an unknown Lab. Below is a scale drawing of a Labradeer Retriever compared to a 6'10" man.
Strangely enough, this one has a red nose. Also strange is that the man is 7ft, not 6ft 10.
The Labradeer is known to exist in areas where there are incredibly huge amounts of food. They are very fond of any type of comestibles, mainly chicken, (That’s right cowards! Tremble in fear of the Labradeer, you chickens!) banananananananananana…um… bananas, peanut butter, grapes, chipmunks, American Presidents, 2004 Acura Sedans, U.S. battleships, brains, human beings, stale pop bands, and monkeys. The Labradeer is part of a new species christened Reindogs. You know, a cross between a reindeer and a dog…ah well. Anyway, I must inform you that the Labradeer is quite hostile, and will attack humans on sight for their brains. Especially juicy ones. This is a picture of a Labradeer after a recent kill:
Yes, hideous creatures, aren't they?
Avoiding the Labradeer Retriever
Now to avoid the same fate as the poor bloke whose blood is dripping from that Labradeer’s mouth, there are several things you may do to defend yourself. These are very important for survival in Labradeer infested areas.
- Don’t walk into the infested areas in the first place.
- Arm yourself with a 12-gauge shotgun. Make that two and an army of men accompanying you.
- Bring beer, to distract the Labradeer.
- Bring a human sacrifice, this may appease the monster.
- Have a cart full of human or non-human brains. This is just as effective as the previous tip, but saves the trouble of opening up skulls for the Labradeer.
- Have mystical kung-fu powers.
- Dress up as another Labradeer.
- Look like Michael Jackson. This will scare the beast off.
- Have a copy of ‘A Dummies’s Guide to Training Hungry Labradeers Not to Eat You’ on your person.
These are just a few tiny other methods not to get eaten by a Labradeer:
- Smell and look like Bill Gates. Labradeers are interested in brains, not money.
- Incessantly quote bad poetry. Labradeers hate bad poetry.
- Wear a sign that says ‘Don’t eat me, I’m poisonous!’ around your neck. Don’t worry about the fact that Labradeers can’t read. Ahem…
- Paint little red spots on your face. This may convince the Labradeer that you've some sort of contagion.
- Slowly move towards the Labradeer, pouncing a few feet. This will make the reindog playful, and he’ll hopefully not run you over. Hey, it won’t get you eaten…
- L1gh7 73h r31nd0g 0n f1r3, L4br4d33r5 h473 f1r3.
- W41k 4r0und w17h 4 b00mb0x p14y1ng ‘Ch3r’ 47 m4x v01um3.
- 7hr3473n to 7311 0n h1m.
- S4y y0u’11 wr173 4n Uncycl0p3d14 4r71cl3 4b0u7 h1m. *100k5 b3h1nd 531f* Uh 0h…
- R4153 y0ur cruc1f1x 4nd ch4n7 “T3h p0w3r 0f Chr157 c0mp3115 you, t3h p0w3r 0f Chr157 c0mp3115 you…”
- 1mpr355 h1m w17h y0ur 1337 h4xx0r 5ki115.
If you have recently purchased a Labradeer Retriever, there are two things you may wish to do.
- Return it, get your money back, and prevent the destruction of worlds.
- Read the owner’s manual below.
Labradeer Retriever Owner’s Manual
To care for your Labradeer, you may wish to feed, groom, and play with yours. Your Labradeer requires at least 5000 brains a day, depending on size. It also needs at least 10 000 gallons of H20 a day. Now, to groom your Labradeer, you’ll need: nerves of steel, one hell of a lot of patience, the Salvation Army, a battalion of volunteers, and individual rakes. This is just to comb your pet. The Labradeer needs to be combed three times a day. For play, the Labradeer likes to destroy things. To do this you may: give your Lab a nuke, take your Lab to an abandoned town to destroy, move to another city after the ‘mysterious’ destruction of your hometown, or completely forget about buying a Labradeer. The last option is preferable.