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The first recorded ladyboy in history was Margaret Thatcher, but she is not considered to be a particularly fine exponent of the art as almost everyone was aware that she was in fact male. Chancellor Kohl of somewhere foreign where they probably eat Garlic all the time said "That woman is all man. Me want some."

More recently ladyboys have been seen in public less frequently, though the 2008 French Six Nations Rugby team had a small majority of ladyboys.


Three ladyboys

A high proportion of ladyboys opt for major re constructive cosmetic surgery to achieve their desired look, the most common operations being a) applying nail-varnish b) getting a pretty haircut and/or wig c) oiling their buttocks. However, a smaller number achieve the same effect chemically, hormone-treatment now being available to reduce brain-capacity whilst doubling and sometimes trebling poutiness. Estrogen supplements are also used to redeposit subcutaneous fat to the buttocks, breasts and grill-pan.

Aspirin-abuse among ladyboys is common as it reduces the effects of the incessant premenstrual tension caused by being a bloke pretending to be female.


A typical Ladyboy

It is considered very bad form to refer to a ladyboy as "mate", "fella" or "Hey, you with the beard".

Ladyboys themselves must take great pains to, avoid obvious faux pas by practicing a ladylike walk in front of the mirror, talking softly and sitting demurely, legs together so as not to display cockage beneath their mini-dress.

In extremis they must also remember to grunt in a feminine way while being rogered senseless by anonymous blokes on "business" trips to Phuket and under no circumstances to suggest to a client that he may be gay. The "Ladyboy Guide to Success" reminds readers that "Johns are all hetero. Watching you dance naked for 40 minutes on their table will not be enough to alert a client to your true nature - he won't even know that you have a penis until he gets you back to the hotel room and will only screwing you repeatedly over several hours to be polite. And because you gave him a boner." It is excusable, however, to pretend that any sexual experience with a client is your first - even if you have been regularly fucked by the same client every day for a month. They just like that sort of thing.


It is thought that the term ladyboys derives from the English words "Lady" and "Boys", meaning young men of irrational mind who believe that they are trapped in the wrong body and that fat, middle-aged men will look after them provided that they dress in short skirts and swallow. It is unnecessary to be homosexual to become a ladyboy, and many men pass through a ladyboy phase before next forming a chrysalis and emerging as a beautiful butterfly. Sadly, this phase of life lasts for no more than two days and the metamorphosed ladyboy flits from hotel bar to street-corner looking for suitable sites to lay eggs.


Ladyboy reproduction is complicated. Essentially reproduction is asexual but, as with other asexual higher animals such as the whiptail lizard, sexual stimulation is required to initiate ovulation - an inherent problem for ladyboys due to the absence of ovaries.

In most cases repeated, frequent and vigorous external stimulation of the prostate gland and tonsils are necessary. Though the stimulator may well deposit his own sperm during the act of coitus, this is removed by the ladyboy's specialised killer-sperm cells and by application of a douche (or Simon Cowell).

After sufficient stimulation the ladyboy's nesting instinct will cause it to look for suitable sites to build its bower. It is not unusual for Ladybys to spend days collecting individual stalks of grass and weaving them into intricate, basket-like constructions that may range in size from a diameter of two meters to the size of China. Eventually, when the nest is satisfactorily completed,the ladyboy fertilities his own ova with the sperm stored in a special rectal gland called the "Arse-bag". It is thought to take up to 19 years for the next generation of ladyboys to hatch and fully mature.


Ladyboy cuisine differs from other forms of cookery only in minor details. One must be particularly careful when baking or barbecuing a ladyboy due to the explosive nature of silicone implants. Gourmets claim that the tenderest cuts are from the most exercised muscle-masses and highly recommend the backs of thighs of ladyboys rich in bending-over experience. For the wealthy only, kebabs of succulent ladyboy lips and sphincter are particularly prized. Ladyboys themselves are known to eat nothing but cock.

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