A candy created by Barry Ranshi as part of an attempt to silence off as many children as possible by using some of the worst jokes Barry's Oompa Loompa slaves and out of work stand-up comedians could write. Inside: The stupidest jokes in the World. As of 2005, Laffy Taffy is still for sale in stores, and Barry remains on the loose. He is responsible for the worst jokes in human history. He is founder of 'killing the mood', terrorizing social events with his outright stupid jokes. He is King Barry Ranshi. haha!
And remember, "Girl shake that laffy taffy, that laffy taffy, girl shake that laffy taffy, that laffy taffy."
Known Laffy Taffy "Jokes"
Warning! These jokes are not meant for mortal minds, and have been known to cause brain damage. If you find a piece of candy shaped like the tongue of an unholy racing snail with any of the following written on the wrapper, RUN. Do not try
- negotiating with it, do not attempt to dispose of it without a
professional candy squad on hand!
- Why wouldn't they let the stinkbug into the movie?
HE HAD ONLY ONE SCENT AND IT WASN'T ENOUGH!
- What do you do if a rhino charges you?
GIVE HIM YOUR CREDIT CARD!
- What is big, brown and has red dots?
A GORILLA WITH CHICKEN POX!
- In baseball, what's at home plate?
- What is always behind the time?
THE BACK OF THE CLOCK!
- What can you serve but not eat?
A TENNIS BALL!
- What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him?
I DIDN'T DO IT ON PORPOISE!
- Why did Billy take a ruler with him to bed?
HE WANTED TO SEE HOW LONG HE SLEPT!
- What do you get when you cross a tiger and a shark?
- How did the frog cross the road?
HE WAS TIED TO THE CHICKEN!
- What's black and white and blue all over?
A FROZEN PENGUIN!
- What do you call a wandering nun?
A ROAMIN' CATHOLIC!
- What do you watch on TV in the morning?
A BREAKFAST SERIAL (CEREAL)!
- What do you call a very religious potato?
- How many sides does a circle have?
TWO, AN INSIDE AND AN OUTSIDE!
- What does Christmas come before thanksgiving?
IN THE DICTION-ARY!
- Why did the chicken cross the road?
TO GET SOME LAFFY TAFFY™, SILLY!
- What do you call a cow with a twitch?
- What can a raisin do to make going to the movies more fun?
BRING A DATE!
- Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?
HE RAN OUTTA JUICE!
- What's green and has 6 legs?
A VERY SICK SPIDER!
- Where did the dentist go on his vacation?
TO THE MOUTH OF MISSISSIPPI!
- Which garden has the most vegetables?
- What flies and helps people?
- Why was the ocean arrested?
BECAUSE IT BEAT UPON THE SHORE!
- What do you say when a dog runs away?
- Why don't kings and queens play cards?
BECAUSE JOKERS ARE WILD!
- What happens when you drop a duck egg?
- What happens when a toad gets hit by lightning?
THE SAME THING THAT HAPPENS TO EVERYTHING ELSE!
- Where do fish keep their money?
IN RIVER BANKS!
- How do you start a flea race?
ONE, TWO, FLEA, GO!
- In what school do you learn to greet people?
IN HI SCHOOL!
- Why did they apple turnover?
BECAUSE HE GOT JEALOUS OF THE JELLY ROLL!
- What do you get when crossing a steam shovel and a hot tamale?
- What do you call someone who runs on the road everyday?
A ROAD RUNNER!
- Why couldn't the comb run through the girl's hair?
THERE WERE TOO MANY LOCKS!
- What happened to the wind?
IT BLEW AWAY!
- When was meat so high?
WHEN THE COW JUMPED OVER THE MOON!
- Why do they call it a hot water heater?
YOU DON'T NEED TO HEAT HOT WATER!
- What is Labor Day?
THE DAY WHEN MOMMIES HAVE THEIR BABIES!
- Why did the turtle cross the road?
IT WAS ON THE CHICKEN!
- Why did the boy throw butter out the window?
HE WANTED TO SEE A BUTTERFLY!
- What has six legs and one body?
A PERSON LYING IN BED!
- What is yellow and wears a mask?
THE LONE LEMON!
- What does an owl say when he asks a question?
WHO, WHO! (sic)
- Which monkey can fly?
- What has four legs and goes booo?
- How are a clergyman and a little blender alike?
- What garden has the most vegetables?
- What is red and black and green all over?
- When is homework not homework?
- A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
The agent stares and thinks to himself how uncanny it is that the little boy looks just like the kid from "Home Alone".
Just then, he notices the mother putting on one white, rhinestone-covered glove. She then takes out a knife, chops off her nose, replaces it with a glob of Silly Putty and starts moon-walking across the stage.
The daughter then takes center stage dressed in pink sweats, flip-flops and carrying sign saying "I was beaten by JC Penney security." She snaps her fingers which queues the blonde-haired son to walk to his mother, unzip her parachute pants and start sucking on the 10" black strap-on she's wearing.
While this is going on, Dad again changes costume, and is now wearing only a white towel around his waste and a crown of thorns. He holds his arms perpendicular to his body, when the daughter breaks off one of the of the baby's arms and thrusts it into his side like a spear. Blood spews from his abdomen showering his daughter as he looks to the sky and asks, "Why hast thou foresaken me?"
The family then freeze, turn their heads to the agent, hold up their arms and in unison say, "We, the jury, find the defendent 'not guilty'. Tadaaaah!" The dog lets out a single "woof".
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, Act six!
If you develop a Rash or persistant fever after reading these jokes, you can't save yourself, just dig a hole in the ground and hurl yourself in it. Eventually someone should fill it in.