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“And there may be the chance of sunny spells around Lairg...”

~ Michael Fish on the 6 O'Clock News two seconds before his heart attack.

“Shower Of Cunts”

~ Crocket The Legend on Everyone.

The village of By Lairg (Scottish Gaelic: An Luirg) is a small settlement in Sutherland, a remote county within Highland region, Scotland. It is located at the bottom of the Shin, which pretty much makes it the ankle I suppose.

About Lairg[edit]

German biker retreating after a 6 hour wait in the sheep auction traffic jam.

It has a population of around 100 despite everywhere being around or by Lairg. The village is only populated as it is the one and only place in Sutherland from which it is possible to escape. This is due to a railway station which isn't even in Lairg but was in fact purposely built a couple of miles out to get tourists lost and walk the wrong way towards Bonar Bridge. It worth noting that if you enjoy spending 2.5 hours waiting on a late train in the pissing rain, then Lairg is the place to be. If you also enjoy geting a bus to Lairg from the north and having to wait another 4.5 hours until the scheduled train time, then you should probably think about buying property here. Either that or rent out Carbisdale Castle on an extended lease. The other way out is a double tracked road towards Inverness... yes that's right, a double tracked road in Sutherland! The only other two single track roads to the north and west head towards Altnaharra and Durness / Kinlochbervie and don't really go anywhere after that. Somebody once said there was a secret road to Rogart but locals claim he was lying.

However, Lairg is famed for having the largest sheep beauty pageant in Europe and the only traffic jams in Sutherland as a result. Farmers and crofters flock (an interesting pun) from as far as New Zealand to eye up the sheep, hoping to buy their prized ram or ewe in an auction that's responsible for blocking that only double-tracked road of the whole place. Come here at the wrong time and you will be trapped forever. People have been known to have died from hunger and dehydration waiting in the traffic jams, although one German family once escaped thanks to rationed tin cans in the back of their campervan and sacraficing little Heidi in the front seat. From that point onwards it is unknown what happens to the sheep, but we can only fear the worst... and it's not lamb chops.

Districts of By Lairg[edit]

Cartographers are unsure of the specific location of Lairg, though it is thought to be somewhere around here.

It should be noted that the reason everywhere is by Lairg is that nobody from the Ordnance Survey actually knows where Lairg is. Although it was documented in a 1834 parish report that it was built on the shores of Loch Shin, this could be anywhere along this 354 mile long stretch of inland water which was also home to Nessie's cousin the Carbisdale Monster until it swam into the Hydro power station turbines by mistake. Some claim that it was moved abroad during the Highland Clearances whereas others claim that it simply amalgamated with Bonar Bridge.