Lana Del Rey

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Lana slowly realizing that the tigers were not CGI.

Lana Del Rey (species: cantante melancholica) is an American singer, songwriter, and model, whose brand of melancholy has become an anthem of sorts to millions of effeminate men who dote on the songstress though none of them would ever ask her out on a date. Lana defeated Beyonce and Marina and the Diamonds for that honor, winning a fistfight on the grounds of Coachella in 2012. Her song Video Games spread quickly over the Internet among emotional teenagers and melodramatic gamers.

She has caused spikes in flower sales in cities that she performs in. During one of her shows, the lawn seats were covered with over 30,000 flowers after a performance, which surely owes to more than just the patrons' restless legs syndrome.

Lana Del Rey also influenced the 2015 Obergefell v. Hodges decision after releasing This is What Makes Us Gays, a song celebrating gender activism a few years earlier. Justice Anthony Kennedy said he was inspired by the song and gave her a "shout-out" in his majority opinion. Late Justice Potter Stewart emerged from the crypt to write a concurring opinion, stating, "I can't describe it but I know solid gold when I hear it!!!"


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Lana's loyal fan base

Her first album under her stage name Lana Del Rey, Born to Die, was released in January of 2012 and it received mixed reviews. Rolling Stoners called it "more fun than lung cancer", while more critical reviews called it "sad in an unintended way" and "worse than Smurfs 2". Later that year, Lana Del Rey released the Paradise EP along with her short film Tropico. The film unironically casted actors to play the parts of Jesus, Elvis Presley, and Marilyn Monroe in the opening scene, which perfectly predicted the quality of the whole film. 2014 saw the release of Ultraviolence and Lana's attempt to be taken seriously among songs such as "Saddest Girl" and "Sucked My Way Up to the Top".

For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Lana Del Rey.

In her album, she used a technique of whisper-singing over string instruments to put the listener into a melancholic trance. Victims of her hypnotism frequent Tumblr, wear flower crowns, and cry without provocation. The first single for her fourth album was the title track, "Honeymoon". Critics noted that it was an evolution for the artist, while many fans fell asleep four minutes in. Her fourth album was very popular and made it onto many "Best of the Year" lists on clickbait websites such as Buzzfeed . Lana Del Rey's hipster vintage-based aesthetic and her dedicated fans fuel her art like crack whores and their dealer.

Born to Die[edit]

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Lana sneezing live for a performance of Springtime Sickness

Lana Del Rey's first album received great support and was hailed as her greatest album by thousands of fans who haven't gotten around to listening to anything else yet. The album is full of dark yet marketable lyrics that drown behind layers of reverb and orchestral strings. Scientists studying brains of rabid Lana Del Rey fans have found that when they hear the first few notes of their favorite Lana Del Rey song, their brains light up like that of a cocaine addict making the jump to heroin for the first time.

Born to Die's popularity comes from its huge hits, such as "Video Games" and the remixed version of "Springtime Sickness". The latter was accused of not being real music due to Lana's purposeful sneezing fit in the chorus. Some of the criticisms included calling the artist "a sniffling whore" and "worse than my ex-wife". The craze led to the Sneeze Challenge, which saw young patrons at Karaoke bars pouring half of a pepper shaker up their noses to achieve the perfect cover of the song. There have been three recorded deaths due to the challenge and two lawsuits against Lana, who was believed to have started the challenge. Lana stated that she has "never practiced any unsafe sneezing techniques" and would go on to reference it in her cover of Darth Vader's "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood".

Paradise EP[edit]

Because the rabid fans could not wait a full year after Born to Die, the Paradise EP came out in November of the same year. In Gods and Monsters, which was featured in the Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters movie soundtrack, Lana's character gives God a metaphorical middle finger while cash rains upon her, in true Lana Del Rey style.


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The petition

She used a completely different strategy in her second album under the name Lana Del Rey. In "Cruel World" Lana sings about how you "got your Bible, got your gun", which is a reference to conservative Jesus, whom she met working with on the set of Tropico. Her album was met with more outrage, as concerned parents worried that the songs Ultraviolence and Guns and Roses would lead to another viral internet challenge with casualties. A petition to ban Lana Del Rey acquired over 53,000 signatures from disturbed parents and disappointed Born to Die fans. The NRA publicly endorsed Lana Del Rey in August of 2014 stating, "Lana's songs Ultraviolence and Money Power Glory demonstrate the values of our corporation".


The theme of slow, mellow vocals continued on into the singer's fourth album to such an extent that the Department of Transportation of Marina Del Rey, California issued a warning in late 2015 not to drive while listening to Honeymoon, fearing that drivers would doze off. In December of 2015, Lana Del Rey admitted that her song Terrence Loves You is named after her parrot. She told the New York Times that he had a solo at one point in the song, but the producer overdubbed a frenetic drum solo, rendering it inaudible. "I was really upset that nobody would know how hard Terrence worked, so I named the song after him," Lana said. After a lengthy battle with her record label, Interscope released the demo as a bonus track on her CD. Fans snapped the exclusive CD Edition up on Amazon in such numbers that the stock led the Dow Jones for three straight days.

Personal life[edit]

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Lana posing with her new boyfriend, Jesse.

Lana Del Rey has been in many relationships, but none have had her as "head over heels" as Lana says. In an interview with Buzzfeed Lana said, "Yeah, I watched The Bee Movie and I wanted to get more in touch with nature, so I went out and found Jesse. I know he's a bee and some people won't accept that, but it's 2016. He's all I ever dreamed about and I only met him a week ago!" Lana told Buzzfeed that she's already writing songs about him and "you'll just have to look for it".

See also[edit]


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