“Just when I thought I had the gayest name in the world...”
“I'd rather not show him my moves...”
Lance Falcon is the awesomest superhero ever to come out of the northernest wasteland referred to as Rapid City in South Dakota. Of course, his only competition was The Amazing Steve, and lets face it, since Steve is the only superhero with a wheelchair and autism, he's not exactly a winner. Lance Falcon may sound like a faggoty name, but it's not. Trust me. He's awesome. Lance Falcon is not to be confused for his cousin, Captain Falcon.
Lance Falcon's secret identity is Mathias Pottersmoke, a computer technician working for an SCI (Soul-drinking Corporate Institution). By Day he is a mild mannered wire-checker, but at night, (or generally any other time of the day) He removes his Pants and Transforms into Lance Falcon.
Lance is often recognized by his wearing of tan shoes, with hot-pink shoelaces. Often accompanied by a light blue +5 Shirt of ESD Protection , he is completely immune to the effects of static discharges and may safely handle delicate electronics, as well as operate deep-fat fryers.
In all cases, Lance prefers to work sans-pantalones, that is, completely uncovered from the waist down. In his only interview with KOTA, he was asked why... His response was that "Pants interfere with my sexy manhood... We can't have that, now, can we?
- Orgasmic Breath: Whilst in the midst of orgasm, he breathes quite heavily by all accounts... Not much of a super power really, but what can you expect? South Dakota isn't exactly known for it's glamourous superheroes
- Alcoholism: He can develop cirrhosis of the liver at any time. Probably even as we speak... He's a drunken ass-ramming uncle-fucker I tell you! Fuck Him!
- In truth, Lance is not a big shot... He's not even a medium shot. He's an asshole, and that's about it.
- Computersmything Lance Falcon is one of the worlds most renowned computersmiths. His extensive knowledge of computery, and the programs used to run computers makes him the de-facto computer guy in Rapid City. He is totally fucking Bad-Ass with computers. He can type 40 words a minute with two hands tied behind his back, and that's something special.
- Falcon Punch: An energy charged punch that consumes the punchin' hand in fire and shit and like, tottalyburns shit to death.
- Falcon Kick: Like the above, except it's with the foot and it'll destroy your chances of ever having kids. Not to mention your nuts. Not to mention your entire lower body.
- Tits. But hey, if ya gotta pick a weakness, this one's a beaut.
- Fried Foods, Particularly Deep fried peanut butter and bannana sandwiches. These must be fried in 100% all natural high-quality artery-clogging lard. Such wonderous victuals are impossible to avoid.
- Vaginal deprivation. The chief weakness of most males, vaginal deprivation can cause you to sleep with really nasty fucking skanks, and man will you ever regret that shit. One should try to prevent vaginal deprivation at all costs.
Battles of Note
In 1854, Lance Falcon laid the bitchin-ass smackdown on Lord Arthexis. The ass-stomping was so severe, the remnants of the battle site have been termed Meteor Crater in Arizona. Lord Arthexis was a fucking pussy.
In 2370, Lance Falcon, via the use of his newly discovered magical fire-breath, also laid a bitchin ass smackdown on Blackbeard the Pirate, Blackbeard the Pirate's Mom, and Girl Scout Troop 5720 of Illinois, there were no suvivors of the event.
Rock Hard, Choda Boy, and The Un-Fantastic Four: All are people who aren't worthy of teaming up with Lance Falcon. That's why they don't have articles. He worked with those guys from Brokeback Mountain once. His most glorified team-up was with Butters Stotch, who worked with Lance in bringing down Eric Cartman. Thankfully, no Jedi were harmed in the making of that collaboration of awesome.