Lando Calrissian

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Lando Calrissian: Hero to intergalactic pilots and beer drinkers alike

“The guy plays a mean sabaac game. I'll give him that...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Lando Calrissian

“AUUUGGHH! My eyes! His sheer perfection is blinding!”

~ a mortal who dared to look upon divinity


~ Dr. Turkleton on Lando Calrissian

“Tha nigga got his head in the clouds...! ”

~ RZA on Lando Calrissian

Landolio Archimedes Calrissian Jr. is a legendary Armenian-American intergalactic pilot and Colt 45(gun and drink) enthusiast. Lando is probably best known for a series of FUI (Flying Under The Influence) incidents which resulted in the destruction of Empire Carpet's Death Star Nine battle station. Experts generally agree that Lando is the most awesome person to ever exist.

Early Life And Career[edit]

Born at the age of five to Neo-Armenian parents, Skip and Betty Calrissian, young Lando was piloting spacecraft soon after. Calrissian was born with his trademark mustache and it's impossible to shave it off. He got his flight certification after completing a six parsec track course in a 1953 Studebaker Starliner that he still flies to this day. Young Calrissian frequented the dragstrips around all the spaceports where he quickly earned the nickname Leisure Suit Lando, due to his choice of racing attire. The dragstrip was referred to as "The Land Of Lando", because he had one of the fastest ships around. Legend has it that his ship, the Aluminum Falcon had a competition clutch with a four-on-the-floor, and purred like a kitten until the ion engines roared. Lando amassed himself a small fortune racing the Falcon from starport to starport, often leaving a burnout patch when he left.

It was during one of his races that Lando literally ran into who would become one of his closest friends: fellow scoundrel pirate Han Solo. Lando thought he had struck a small piece of space debris, and kept flying for several parsecs. Finally, after hearing some pesky rattling he decided to check it out. There was Han, and the remains of his ship, crunched up in the front of The Falcon's nose. Han's first words were "Hey, can you drop me off at the next Starbuck's?" The two formed a friendship that lasted many years afterward.

Life After his Early Life and Career[edit]

Lando soon gambled most of his money away, like any good businessman should, or maybe it's shouldn't, he really, I'm not either actually. He did this to build himself up from nothing to create a far more inspiring story of a man with nothing dying a man with something, instead of a man with something dying with something, in a bed with Arnold Scwartzannegger, what they were doing, we don't know.

Lando began touring the galaxy in a band called Lando and the Landlubbers, in which Lando sang vocals and played tha kazoo. They scored several funk and bluegrass hits. Their biggest chart-topper, "Fly That Funky Starship White Boy", was a top 40 standard for years to come.

Lando furthered his career by entering the world of heavy weight boxing, after quitting the booze, but keeping up the women. After rising to the rank of Champion, he lost it to Rocky, a fighter with the worst defense on record. Lando decided to give Rocky's style a try out, and ended up dying to some giant Stalinist freak.

Career In Cloud City[edit]

While serving at Cloud City, Calrissian won the title of Intergalactic Pimp, a title which he subsequently defended a minimum of every 30 days as sanctioned by WWE rules. His most notable match was an Ironman Cage LumberJack Match against HHH. A match which lasted a fortnight and was voted Match Of The Year by Pimp Illustrated readers.

The Official Malt Liquor of the Rebellion

Heath Ledger[edit]

Recently rumours emerged that Lando Calrissian may have had a hand in the death of famed earth actor Heath Ledger - common reasons put forwards are annoyance that Ledger beat Calrissian in a joust. Lando Calrissian is still alive, unlike Ledger, making him the ultimate winner. In conclusion, HEATH LEDGER IS DEAD, LANDO IS NOT.


I wish to announce a rebuttal against Mad. Lando is not Chewbecca’s Uncle but in fact due to cloning is his Aunty. R2D2 is the lost child of C3PO and the dumpster from Judge Dread”. The Terminator T1000 is a cross bread between Obi One Kanobi and Short Curcuit.

See Also[edit]