Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector

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“I shit my pants!”

~ Roger Ebert on this godfucking movie

Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector is a 2006 larger-than-life film release that was ever-so-loosely based on the Shakespearian knock-off "Whateth thy fuketh?" It is regarded by most critics as the quintessential modern cinematic crapper-piece. The American Psychiatric Association recommends it to anyone who has the I.Q. of a walnut shell (or preferably lower). The plot revolves around a inbred, one-toothed, somewhat obese slob who masquerades as a cable guy slash health inspector in order inspect and then eat healthy HDTV televisions, which are his main source of Lithium based fuel.


Larr The Cabal Monsturo threatens to eat the Might-T T if the idiot standing next to him doesn't supply him with his opponent Bill Wayne,Thy Hard-Ass Detective.

Larr The Cabal Monsturo is trying to go to best buy to eat more televisions when Nicholas Cage suddenly beats the ever-loving crap out of him because; to quote one of the writers on the film, "Tim Burton, y'know - Batman. Nick Cage.... fuckin' Nick Cage."

But this turns out to be a blessing in disguise as after Nick Cage kickes his ass outside and shoves a can opener in his eye, while everyone in the local Best Buy was butt-slapped by Captain Planet who screamed, "Je vis de toi pour la France!" [English Translation: "I fuck thee for France!"] The reason he did this was because he could not get Radio Libertaire nor Radio Communauté on the dials of any of the AM/FM boomboxes in that store.

After Larr wakes up Megatron kicks him in the balls, but this makes us all understand the true meaning of Christmas Balls to the Walls, as well as life and love. Then he inspects France (hence the title) and shits on the president of France's head. After, an intervention by the usually insignificant United Nations Insecurity Council, the president of France admits to mind controlling Captain Planet and making him screw customers through the power of Satan.

In accordance with the no-holds-barred rules and regulations within George Dubya Bush's Patriot Act, Larry tapes this confession and clears the now jailed Captain Planet's good name. In thanks, Captain Planet initiates a ceremony where he sodomises a television which is running a rerun of The War of the Worlds. Larry then inspects and proposes marriage to the HDTV; but it turns out the television is actually Satan after all! "Who'da thunk it, Y'all? Get 'r Undone!" Larr whispers to the honorable Justice of the Peace, Judge Neuter Ging-Grinch.

Then they both put Satan in jail for influencing sex against their will through mind-control in the third degree. But, Satan then testifies against the heroes for this. He is cleared of all charges after mentally impregnating the pre-trial judge. At this point in the saga the judge discovers she is heavy with child and all is revealed.

Then, the film forwards to ten years later, and a close-up of Bill Gates saying, "Git r' dun!" referring to the upcoming inmpending release of Windows Vista II - The Revenge.

Hinting that Bill Gates is the Larr re-incarnated; he is then obliterated and reprogrammed by the infamous Homestar Runner, a known tightwad and Lover of the Linux Operating System. The film ends with a shot of The Homestar Runner blue-screening Bill's Windows Vista boot-up - forcing Gates and his loyal followers to make the dreaded transition over from Windows to Linux.

In the end Satan is eventually convicted of only a single count of first degree bribery, but he must now marry the judge in a good old southern-style shotgun wedding. They are living happy just a day before the trial, but while they're out on a family walk they are all shot and gang-banged by the infamous Homestar Runner. All of them are then dead and the case was eventually closed.

Quotes of Note[edit]

  • "Get R Dumb! lolololol" - Larry
  • "I'm chargin up mah laser" - Larry (reincarnated as Captain Planet)
  • "Somebody get a CROSS - I'm Blind! - Rodger Ebert; after viewing the entire film.
  • "Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one." - Bill Gates
  • "I love the environment, but I'm cheap on the environment." - Newt Gingrich opining on Health Inspectors Union Major Dental Care Insurance Policy Fetish.


The film, which was screened and adored at a distance by Bellevue resident interns prior to it's release, was universally admonished by Universal Health Care critics as the love story between a man and a his medication insurance plight. The National American Movie-Based Love Associations, or NAMBLA, gave the movie considerably better reviews, since everybody was apparently getting screwed hither and fro throughout. Although it received better than expected positive reviews, the movie still seemed to score low at IMDB, and RottenTommatoes.

External links[edit]

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