The legend begins many years a go in the Primordial Ooze. A creature emerges- its eyes burning with electricty and its mouth spewing laz0rz. This is the Laser Frog.
Little is known about the humble beginnings of the Laser Frog, but of one thing we are certain- It isn't human.
Of course, a more detailed origin of the creature would be that it was genetically engineered by Thomas Jefferson's mentally handicapped nephew Paul (or better known for his nickname, Forest) Edision, after a rough sleep-deprived coffee-fueled night. He stumbled out of bed, unable to rest, when he tripped on his uncle's favorite kite and fell down the stairs. Because of his inability to sleep, Paul was not rendered unconscious, but his mind reacted as if he had. Paul saw wondrous visions of the past and future and, in a dreamy trance, set out to create the Laser Frog. Composed deep within the Himalayan mountains, Paul worked tirelessly to create his monster, but to no avail. Until inspiration struck. Like lightning. Well, it was lightning, actually. A thunderous storm rained down from the heavens and electrocuted Paul's experiment. The beast awoke in a daze, not realizing what was happening. It became angered and confused, and set fire to Paul's mountain lab with unholy powers. Paul barely escaped with his life, before being hunted down and killed in a hunting incident by Dick Cheney. Free from captivity, the Laser Frog roamed the world, spreading its seed, and plotting for the downfall of anyone named Paul.
- 65 Million Years Ago- Giant Laser Frogs roamed the Earth.
- 64.9 Million Years Ago- All natural Laser Frogs killed.
- 1290- Manmade Laser Frog concept first created, shunned, dubbed as Witchcraft.
- 1337- Idea resurfaces, once again dubbed as Witchcraft.
- 1388- Idea is fully destroyed, believers burned as Witches.
- 1699- Images depicting the Laser Frog found in a well in Boston.
- 1800- First manmade Laser Frog is successfully created by Paul.
- 1845- Creature runs amuck.
- 1900- Several sightings of the Laser Frog in Loch Ness.
- 1989- Laser Frog population has reached into the millions.
- 2007- Laser Frogs gain sentience.
Paul's Failed Attempts
Powers and Abilities
The Laser Frog's most astounding and not totally obvious ability is that of Lasers. Firing from its eyes, mouth, lower back, and quite literally every orifice of its body, the Laser Frog puts its weapons to good use, fending off predators and the occasional door-to-door salesman.
Shoop da Whoop
The Laser Frog possesses limited Shooping powers, only able to Fire his Laz0r once every 14 hours. It Whoops, however, on a regular basis, which can be extremely annoying for those in range of its pathetic cries of: “y cant i fire mah laz0r?!”
The Frog’s body emits 1.21 Jigawatts of Stellar Radiation at regular intervals every 9 days. Its power would be strong enough to obliterate most of the white part of Kansas.
The Laser Frog does not have claws. It’s a frog. Frogs don’t have claws.
Standing half a foot off the ground, the Laser Frog is a menace to most societies. Its color changes depending on how close it is to its period, green meaning imminent. Its jaw has the ability to unhinge for maximum laser capacity. Its hind legs are reminiscent to those of a frog, as is its body as a whole.
The Laser Frog prefers to live in a well-lit area, equipped with a home surround-sound and built in plasma TV. However, it can cope with the dank territories of the Southern United States and the right half of Iceland. The Frog enjoys a bed of leaves to sleep on, and a couch of leaves to watch its built in plasma TV on. In a pinch, the Laser Frog can pull a pre-furnished house out of its stomach, although it may need to rest for some time afterwards. The John McCain variant has the ability to pull several pre-furnished houses out of its stomach at once. But it's not entirely sure how many.
Due to the Frog’s need to vent its radiation, its homes may become uninhabitable. The previous tenants of a Laser Frog home were incinerated upon entering.