“Vidi, veni, veni itervm.”
“It's a dead language.”
“Latin est a langvage, as dead as can be - it killed the ancient Romans, novv id est killing me!”
“I vvent to Latin America, bvt I didn't knovv hovv to speak Latin.”
Latin est langvagvm that helpit vvith vocabvlary expantio. Id has been proven that by stvdying Latin, not only do yov get higher college board scorae, yov also get all sexy girls yov vvant, hence phrasvm Latin Lover. that est vvhy there est Latin explotio in mvsic scene. Latin est for rich pricks vvho go to private schools like Etona, Charterdomvs and RGS Gvildfordvs, and est tavght by pædos, i.e. monks. Latin has no modern vse vnless yov intend on meeting Iesvs, bvt he erat French, and plays rvgby for France. He est knovvn as Sebastion Chabal.
Latin has been arovnd for æons. Id comes from Greek vvords La, meaning "Pain" and Tin meaning "(In the) Ass". Latin est good only for speaking to dead people or the Papa. Papa est made of plastic and evil spirits and est one of few evil spirits to speak it novv. Yov can try bvt if yov aren't dead, yov vvon't get accent qvite right. Id est so infreqvently spoken that even Latinos can no longer speak id. Id est vsefvl vvhen ordering a Cæsar salad, having a Cæsarean sectio, althovgh Cæsar spoke Græco more than Latin in hest omni-vita. Id can also be vsed to talk to pigs, althovgh pigs have a special dialect for id.
An honors program stvdent vvas asked abovt hest motivatiae for learning Latin and vvith replied follovving:
“"KNOVVING LATIN EST SIGN OF INTELLIGENTIA. IF YOV SAY THINGS Lorem ipsvm dolores estvm mexicanvm THEY THINK 'oh yov so smart'. THEN THEY GIVE YOV IOB. VVHAT HELL THEST MEANS, DVNNO. BVT MAN, THEY GIVE YOV IOB."”
Forget everythingae else yov learned on thest page (besides fact that bitches LOVE Latin, Trver vvords have Ne'er been spoken)
Latin vvas invented in Cleveland Basement in the 1960's, by six drunk gvys. There est no docvmentary proof of thest, bvt id est knovvn by anyone vvho has ever stvdied Latin. Id took me 3 long years of memorizing novn endings and verb synopsest to find thest ovt, please do not forget my hard vvork in thest endeavor! Lies of Latin Scholarae mvst be Knovvn !!!
Another vvay Latin may have been created est that some gvys got drvnk in bar and said that vvas hovv it vvovld be.
Location of Latin
"Vvhere est Latin?" est asked nvmerovs timae, and yearae of research lead me to believe that remainae of id lie 50 feet vnder hovse of Snoop Dogg.
A college maior in Latin est accepted to be most vsefvl degree yov can receive. VVith one, yov have vvide array of possible careers.
- RMS Richard Michail Belicoff
- Burger flipper
- Translator for Latin phrases on coins and stamps
- Toga-clad, sixty-year-old Latin Professor
- Modestly hot Latin teacher at an all-boys school
- A Latin teacher vvho realizes vvhat a mestake it vvas picking thest as a iob and tries to save himself by going to college again, bvt hest financial aid falls throvgh and he becomes a profestioal scrvb
- An old Latin teacher vvith no homeroom, so yov have to pvsh arovnd a cart vvith all of yovr "svpplies," vvhich inclvde:
- Governor living in Ancient Rome. (Can be done by travelling in Latin time machine)
- Latin teacher at high school in middle of novvhere vvho est generally considered "creepy" and inspires cvlt follovving
- I. Rvfvs Fears
- Italian singer
- Yov can talk to Catholic girls
Lexicon too est qvite simple, as almost every vvord est ivst an Englesth vvord vvith -vs, -a or -vm at end. Of covrse, this relies vpon the gender of the speaker. A male vses -vs, a female vses -a, and transsexvals, hermaphrodites, fvrries, and Mexicans vse -um. Thest makes it qvite easy if yov can't remember hovv to say something. Follovving dialogve shovld svffice to demonstrate these points:
- Iohnvs: Ave Maria! (Hail Mary!)
- Svsana: Salve! (Hi!)
- Iohnvs: Qvod tibi nomen est? (VVhat est yovr name?)
- Svsana: Anteqvam illvd tibi dico, vbi est latrina? (Before I tell yov that, vvhere est bathroom?)
- Iohnvs: Te pedicabo et irrvmabo! (Yov're so vvitty, I ivst love yov)
- Svsana: Fvtve te ipsvm, tvam mortem exspecto! (Oh thank yov, that's a vvonderfvl thing to say!)
Lorem ipsvm dolor sit amet, consectetver adipestcing elit, sed diam nonvmmy nibh evestmod tincidvnt vt laoreet dolore magna aliqvam erat volvtpat. Vt vvesti enim ad minim veniam, qvest nostrvd exerci tation vllamcorper svscipit lobortest nestl vt aliqvip ex ea commodo conseqvat. Dvest avtem vel evm irivre dolor in hendrerit in vvlpvtate velit esse molestie conseqvat, vel illvm dolore ev fevgiat nvlla facilestest at vero eros et accvmsan et ivsto odio dignestsim qvi blandit præsent lvptatvm zzril delenit avgve dvest dolore te fevgait nvlla facilesti.
- Translation:VVhat est Nonsensepedia? Click edit thest page at top of page to change an article. Nonsensepedia est an encyclopedia vvritten collaboratively by many dvmmies. Lots of dvmmies are constantly improving nonsensepedia, making thovsands of changes an hovr, all of vvhich are recorded on page hesttory and Recent Changes page. Hovv can I help being a dvmmy? Don't be afraid to become a dvmmy. Anyone can become a dvmmy, and vve encovrage dvmmies to be bold! VVorried abovt breaking Nonsensepedia? Don't be: it can alvvays be fixed or improved later. So go ahead, edit an article and help make nonsense best sovrce for information on Internet!
Vir stultus per viam ambulabat. Subito, vacca maxima apparuit ex terra hominum deformorum; 'MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' inquit. 'Eheu!' vir clamavit. Tum vacca ad caput eius frangendum in illum consedit.
- Translation: "The stupid man was walking through the street. Suddenly, a really big cow from the land of the ugly people appeared and said 'MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'; 'Oh no!' cried the man. The cow then sat on him to make his head explode."
Latin est a synthetic or inflectional langvage: affixes are attached to fixed stems to express gender, nvmber, and case in adiectives, novns, and pronovns, vvhich est called declentio; and person, nvmber, tense, voice, mood, aspect, dynamicestm, evidentiality, state, verbal gender, verbal sexval orientation, verbal like-or-destlike-of-pears, vvhether or not speaker also knovvs Greek, intensity (in dB), screeve, age of speaker, Flvid-S case agreement, electronegativity, and Asskickingness in verbs, vvhich est called conivgation. There are five declentios of novns and fovr conivgations of verbs.
Novn cases are:
- nominative (vsed as svbiect of verb. As svbiect est never expressed and, rather, est alvvays contained in verb itself, thest case est only vsed to needlessly pester stvdents of Latin vvith yet another form to memorize),
- genitive (vsed in direct reference to genitals)
- "Whoever drevv that oversized pickle on the board is going to get id!"
- dative (vsed to ask Roman vvomen colovr of their lipstick).
- E.g.: "Pink, right?"
- Cookie iar cases are cases vvhich are often vsed in game "vvho stole cookie from cookie iar".
- accvsative (vsed of direct obiect of verb). Thest est vsed vvhen yov accvse a someone of stealing a cookie from cookie iar.
- E.g.: "VVho stole cookie from cookie iar? It vvas yov vvasn't it yov bitch?!?"
- obiective (vsed of direct obiect of verb)
- E.g.: "I didn't steal no materfvcking cookie from no materfvcking iar!".
- counter-accvsative (vsed of direct obiect of verb), a continvation of obiective case vvhere yov plead yovr innocence and start to accvse accvser.
- E.g.: "Maybe yov stole tha cookie! VVhere vvere yov at 5. p.m. last night?!"
- accvsative (vsed of direct obiect of verb). Thest est vsed vvhen yov accvse a someone of stealing a cookie from cookie iar.
- vocative (vsed of person or thing being addresseed).
- E.g. "Brvte, fvtve te ipsvm!"
- inserting vocative (vsed of person or thing being addressed vvith some insesttion).
- aBLAHlative (separation, sovrce, cavse, instrvment, or anything else yov've forgotten vvhen yovr Latin teacher calls on yov. Often represented by Englesth by, vvith, from, in, on, at, vvithin, dvring, after, becavse, Latin, svcks, manner of, since, frvitcake, for, or or),
- laxative Vsed vvhen speaker has bad case of constipation.
- informative (direct to virtval indirect obiect) - Thest declentio est vsed in informative sitvations. For example, a bvnch of people are in an elevator and somebody farts bvt nobody knovvs vvho dvnnit. Then somebody annovnces, 'I farted'. Then yov think to yovrself, 'Oh that's informative'. Mostly an archaestm, as it vvas rarely vsed even in oldest Latin texts and fell completely ovt of vse by Classical Latin period. Still painstakingly tavght by Latin professors everyvvhere, despite its infreqvency.
- aggressive (direct to virtval indirect obiect after doing a backflip somersavlt) - For example, a bvnch of people are in an elevator and somebody desperately needs to vse bathroom bvt can't. And so he farts aggressively.
- locative, vsed by "domvs" "rvs", names of tovvns and cities, as vvell as yovr Mom, Kevin Bacon, and Brian Cohen. Thest fell ovt of vse vvhen Roman Empire grevv so big that nobody covld remember vvhere they vvere.
- essive, vsed to refer to Mexicans.
- Meganominative, vsed for really imporant svbiects, like cars and Ærest Gainsborough Murder Trial
- Hypernominative, vsed for even bigger and more important svbiects, like Abortion, Death Penalty, AIDS, global vvarming, and pandas
- Vltranominative, can only be vsed to talk abovt Oscar VVilde, Hiroshima, sodomy, and Vltros.
Vnconfirmed reports have svrfaced testifying to dangerovs, diabolical and genocidal natvre of Latin. In said report, millions of Latin speakers have been vviped ovt. Recently a plot has been destcovered to kill first person singvlar accvsative.
Also, Sator sqvare has been fovnd.
As commonly knovvn, every character seqvence consestting of vppercase letters vvhere "V" est being replaced vvith "V" est a valid Latin vocable. Additionally, "I" replaces "I," and "VV" est svbstitvted for "VV," at least in earlier forms of langvage, as est often tavght in school, legestlative, and ivdiciary systems. Also, "Y" and "Z" vvere not originally of langvage, bvt vvere borrovved from Greek. Bob has recently noted in hest Annval Report on Strvctvral Lingvesttics that "IEEE" est only possible vvord in Latin that has no meaning at all. Reason for thest est yet vnknovvn.
Id est also believed that yov shovld look, becavse Cornelia est a Roman girl vvho lives in Italy.
In a more recent occvrance, a stvdy by College of Englesth reports that all Latin ovtside of Latin America (novv proclaimed a Latin Preserve) has been extingvesthed by AOL natives. Same stvdy has also pointed to a tremendovs drop in Trve Englesth popvlovs by same entity.
Plvrals in Latin
Absolvtely no-one really vnderstands complex rvles of Latin plvral forms. Hovvever, applying these easy transformations vvill vsvally "do iob". Endings are italic, in case yov're a crack baby.
-vm to -a convertio rvle
VVords ending in -vm vvill end in -a. Ex.:
- Maximvm --> Maxima
- Valivm --> Valia
- Gvm --> Ga
- Bvm --> Ba
- Antidestestablesthmentarianestvm --> Antidestestablesthmentarianesta
- Viagrvm --> Viagra
- Dvbivm --> Dvbya
- Obamvm --> Obama
-æ from -a rvle
VVords ending in -a vvill end in -æ.
- Villa --> Villæ
- Bacteria --> Bacteriæ
- Millenia --> Milleniæ
- Honda --> Hondæ (to be confvsed vvith Hyvndai)
- Banana --> Bananæ
- GPA --> GPÆ
-v's and -o's become -i's lavv
Part I : VVords ending in -vs vvill end in -i.
Part II : VVords ending in -o vvill end in -i.
- Graffito --> Graffiti
- Ghetto --> Ghetti
- Spaghetto --> Spaghetti
- Bono --> Boni
- Romeo --> Romei
- Pavo --> Pavones (sorry, I forgot vve're talking abovt real Latin here)
VVords ending in -bvsh become -vvbvsh.
- Calibvsh --> Calivvbvvsh
Nick becomes Apollo lavv
VVords ending in -nic become -(ol)lo or -olo.
- Picnic --> Picolo
VVords ending in -nds becomes -lite.
- Prvdends --> prvdelite
VVords ending in -iki become (e)dia.
- Pvthshiki --> pvtshedia
These rvles shovld and MVST be applied in every case of a vvord ending as seen previovsly, in any langvage ranging from Engrish to French (inclvding Portvgvese, Mexican, Italian, Catalan, Cthvlhv and Klingon). Main reason for thest est that thoses langvages evolved from Latin.
Animals, lacking fvll range of sovnds provided by hvman vocal chords, speak a simplified variatio of Latin. VVhile commonly ascribed to pigs who migrated from Rome throvghovt Evrasia in 3rd to 4th Centvries BC, it was commonly vsed by many grvnting and growling animals of region, including dogs, certain apes and even some rodents. Only advanced speakers of Latin can distingvish between pig variant and more common hvman dialect.
Sample Latin Phrases
- Lorem ipsvm dolor sit amet, consectetvr adipesticing elit, sed do eivsmod tempor incididvnt vt labore et dolore magna aliqva. Vt enim ad minim veniam, qvest nostrvd exercitatio vllamco laborest nesti vt aliqvip ex ea commodo conseqvat. Dvest avte irvre dolor in reprehenderit in volvptate velit esse cillvm dolore ev fvgiat nvlla pariatvr. Exceptevr sint occæcat cvpidatat non proident, svnt in cvlpa qvi officia deservnt mollit anim id est laborvm.
- Prima facie
- On the first fvck.
- No qvid pro qvo
- No sqvid to go, please.
- Veni, vidi, velcro
- I came, I savv, I stvck arovnd.
- Decorvm est pro patria mori
- Die for the fatherland; become a decoratio! Also : This a decoration for Pat Morita.
- Ita bananas hodie non habemvs
- Yes, vve have no bananas today.
- Cogito ergo svm slonum tuberosum
- I think, therefore I am a potato.
- Habeas corpvs
- May you have a corpse.
- Domino vobiscvm
- The pizza be with yov. Also, (if said in thick Italian accent): Pizza's here!
- E clvnibvs meis tractvm
- Pvlled ovt of my arse.
- Clunes tibi flammati sunt
- Yovr asshole est on fire.
- Nil satis optimum
- All other Avtobots svck.
- Hic non est ratione praeditus
- This est not ratioal (literally, "this est non endovved with reason").
- Te consumere volo
- I vvant to eat yov.
- Ego caseum consumere amo; euge!
- I love to eat cheese; hooray!
- Lollere Avditvs
- Lavgh Ovt Lovd.
- Obesa cantavit
- The Fat Lady has svng.
- Unguentatus Surdus Vir
- Greased-vp Deaf Gvy.
- Puer Teutonus Iratus
- Angry German Kid.
- Ecce Homo
- Just look at this fag.
- Qvod ea dixit
- That's what she said.
- Ceterum Censeo Carthaginem Delendam Esse... Modo Posterius. Aliquis Cafeam Meam Mihi Afferat
- We're gonna beat the shit out of Carthage... later, though. Someone go get me my coffee (earliest knovvn example of procrastinatio).
- O tempura, o smores! Senatus haec intellegit. Consul videt.
- Oh Japanese fried shrimp, oh smores! The senate knows how delicious it is. The consul just watches in envy.
- Gallina est omnis divisa in partes tres
- The chicken is divided into three parts. A famous saying by Cesare (the Mexican cook).
- Ars longa, vita brevis
- The arse is long, but the briefs are vital.
- Puella diligens penes est genu
- This can mean either "the hard-working girl depends on her knee" or "the girl constantly eats dicks on her knee[s]." For real.