Lawrence Welk

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“I found a dead cat on the side of the road so I took it home, put some honey on it, then I cooked it, and then I ate it. Is that bad?”

~ Junice on Finding dead cats and eating them.

“Junice, Sh-SHUT UP!”

~ Janice Meyrl on Hearing what her sister Junice does to dead cats.

“Ever heard of the Lawrence Welk cigar? It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it.”

~ Random joke teller

Lawrence Welk (1921 - 1992) is an American big band leader. He is most famous for the Lawrence Welk Show, which was basically an hour-long music video sponsored by Geritol.

Lawrence Welk's first time in color was really an eyesore!

Early Life[edit]

Lawrence arrived in North Dakota in 1921 aboard a German spacecraft from Krypton. There, he was adopted by locals. Although at first seeming normal, Lawrence's Kyrptonian powers shortly manifested themselves in an eerie ability to play all instruments with no social following. The light from our yellow sun is also the reputed reason for the odd colors used in his choice of clothing. It could have also been the fumes of the Sauerkraut in Strasbourg.

The Lawrence Welk Show[edit]

After mastering the accordion, he became a social outcast, shunned by the players of more popular instruments. To this end, he convinced financial backers to fund his Lawrence Welk Show, a musical programming hour dedicated to taking songs people half remembered, and then remixing them with whatever Eastern European instruments. Using his superpowers, he clouded their minds, and they agreed. The LWS was born.

One of the recurring acts are the Meryl Sisters from the Finger Lakes.

The Early Years[edit]

The show began well enough. Using third hand cameras and a group of singers and dancers with the same goal, Lawrence began filming in 1955, in the Lawrence Welk Bunker in North Dakota. For some odd reason, all 1,101 episodes are still in tact. This is really amazing if you consider that the BBC actually erased most of, say, Dr. Who.

The Lawrence Welk Show was, initially, filmed in black and white. It featured 'bandmaster' Lawrence, his band, and a studio audience. In order to raise funding, the Bunker doubled as a federal penitentiary. Many members of the audience were actually convicted felons who were shackled to their chairs to prevent them from fleeing. A few actually managed to escape, but never made it back to the outside world. The Bunker reportedly sits in a totally isolated area several hundred miles from the state capital and another hundred miles from any place people actually visit. As such, those who escaped typically perished in the wasteland. Those who remained had the big band genre forced on them, episode by episode. Those who were let out had a statistical average of never committing another crime again, ever.

In Color[edit]

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Lawrence Welk.

In 1965, the show met with disaster when it went to color. Lawrence had picked out the show's wardrobe, which, when filmed in color, was relvealed to have all the subtlety of a television test pattern. The problem was fortunately rectified by the fact that most people were doing some kind of drug at that point, and didn't actually notice.

Later Years[edit]

The show ended in 1982. At that point, Lawrence consented to being cryogenically frozen, and, aside from a quick bathroom break in 2003, he has remained as such. Lawrence is currently due to be thawed in 2011, so he can run for President.