From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
(Redirected from Leaves)
Jump to navigation Jump to search

“I'll never know how it stays on, but it's awesome”

~ Adam on his pube-covering leaf.

“You know, that leaf really isn't so ugly after all, once you stare at it long enough.”

~ Oscar Wilde on that leaf on Adam's junk
A typical leaf. Nothing special about this leaf.

The leaf is a centuries-old plant organ, an extension and major part of a tree (also known as the Pear Tree and Magic Circle of Life ensemble). It is also an ancient phallic symbol, remarkable for the notoriety gained in the Middle Ages. It is now both a symbol of life, penises and good old horniness.

The fig leaf as a phallic symbol[edit]

Adam and Eve sporting their sexy leaves.

During the Middle Ages, purity was an important part of Christianity. Lust and horniness were big no-nos. Under the pretense of purity, the old-fashioned geezers would place fig leaves on the penis of certain "indecent" sculptures, leading to men, women and aliens alike to gaze dreamily at sculptures and wondering how big was the organ underneath the fig leaf, all the while "studying pieces of art". Adam and Eve also wore fig leaves after having eaten the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, and it may have contributed to their remarkable ability to beget children.

Leaves are a great way to cover up tiny old man cocks and old stretchy vaginas cuz no one wants to see that shit. When using a leaf as a penis-cover-upper never use poison oak cuz unless you already got the herpes it will itch like a bitch.

The fig leaf was so often placed in front of the penises of classical sculptures that many females with overly protective mothers grew up believing that men were indeed equipped with leaves, leading to many surprised shrieks from closed bedroom doors after wedding nights. However, many people have misinterpreted those shrieks and disregarded them.

In modern times, any mention of "fig leaf" is sure to bring any mind down into the gutter, and sparking a long debate about censorship while the debaters are all secretly thinking about penises and will sometimes replace the word fig leaf with penis. However, you are likely to not notice this as when anyone is observing one of these debates, they will invariably be led to think about penises and not notice as the participants in the debate begin to talk about penises instead of fig leaves and censorship.

The maple leaf and Canadians[edit]

Canadians are very horny.

Canadians are all very horny people at heart, and many of the first pioneers from Europe who settled in Canada were in fact fig leaf lovers. However, in Canada, there are no natural fig trees, but many, many maple trees. When seeing those maple leaves, the pioneers got all horny and decided to not be so picky and accept the maple leaf instead. Even today, many Canadians have a fetish for maple leaves, putting them on pennies, naming a hockey team after them and placing in right smack dab in the middle of the national flag.

Tree indecency[edit]

Now, some may wonder: who the hell came up with the idea to cover people's glorious parts up with leaves? It all comes back to the source of the trees themselves. Trees are constantly releasing their pollen into the air to "mix and mingle" with other trees, and therefore, they must also have organs to release their juices. In fact, they have many. Trees were uncomfortable with that fact, since they felt it was a tad unnatural for them to have so many and everyone else to only have one, so they grew some leaves to cover them up. (Also, at the time, it was a fashion statement, since many trees were getting bored with plain old branches that were the same for everyone.) Adam and Eve saw that and decided to rip off the trees' clothes and put them on themselves instead.

Nissan Leaf[edit]

The 2010 Nissan Leaf

In 2010, Nissan will be releasing an electric car called the "Leaf". The name was chosen to represent the "green"-ness of the powertrain and the fact that the dashboard is made of 90% post-consumer recycled leaves.

See also[edit]