"A strong, virile man."
-Oscar Wilde on Lech Wałęsa
"If there were fish in the lake, fishing would make no sense"
-Lech Wałęsa about fishing
“He reminds me of Ditka!”
|Date of birth and age:|
1943, 66 years old
Nobel, Gold Hoarding
One of the most talented bulldozer pilots of his time, Lech Wałęsa inspired millions to fire up their diesel rigs in fury. He inspired men to abandon the cranes and backhoes to which their social oppressors enslaved them and run rampant in the streets of Krakow, free. Lech Wałęsa is best known, though through what can hardly be mentioned. His War on Community and Struggle Against Solitude won him the Nobel Prize of Whining.
He is now the lead vocalist of the Polish metalcore band Frontside.
Lech Wałęsa was born into the all-too-common post-WWII poverty that plagued eastern Europe. To aid in supporting his family (the entire population of Popowo, Poland), he emigrated to the United States for a job. His job-training and English skills minimal, the only employment that Wałęsa found was on a NASCAR pit crew.
Lech Wałęsa met many hardships in America. Due to his inability to understand simple English directions, he was ostracized from the rest of the NASCAR community. Soon, Wałęsa found himself alone and confused. It is during this period that he was credited as being the target of every single Polack joke invented. Shamed and ruined, Wałęsa returned to his homeland of Polacknia and grew a very large moustache in the vain hope that no one would be able to recognize him.
Because of his emotional scars from the redneck community, Lech Wałęsa began to question the concept of community itself. He decided it to be immoral because of its inclination to hurt his feelings, so in 1972 he declared jihad against community. The People's Community of Polacknia was deeply offended; they had never before had their good-intentions questioned. Therefore, PCP turned around and returned the favor of declaring jihad on Wałęsa in 1973.
Perhaps Wałęsa's most famous protest against his communing oppressors came whilst the man worked in a shipwreck. Realizing that he had support from his fellow oppressees, Wałęsa had them form a human barrier against the community. They declared him King of Labor immediately, and sat him upon his throne (however, as no real throne's were available, a bulldozer became the substitute).
From his yellow perch of metal, Wałęsa could stare down at the community that oppressed him for so long, and scoff. The community began negotiations with him, fearing the might of the Great Bulldozer Throne.
In 1981, fellow Polack, the Pope John Paul 2.0 met with Wałęsa in a secret meeting against the community. The Pope assured Wałęsa of his support, but this was not enough. When the Pope was asleep, Wałęsa stole his papal hat, thus becoming the new Pope. With the power of the Catholic Church at his command, Pope Wałęsa attacked the community. The legions of God's army overcame the powers of community, crushing it into oblivion.
One of Wałęsa's better known lecture tours, the 1998 romp around mid-west American Colleges, when he spoke of Poland's illustrious cavalry tradition. The lecture series was entitled "How to Change Gears When Riding a Horse," and was the brainchild of centuries of great Polish thinkers and inventors.
Because of the display of his might, Wałęsa was named president of PCP. Despite unconfirmed allegations sof ballot-stuffing, Wałęsa assumed his post and utilized his full power as president. Under his regime, he expanded his War Against Community across the globe. Walesa, by this point, held many illustrious titles:
- President of PCP
- Pope Wałęsa
- King of the shipwreck, he only ran a strike their not king retardh
- Wielder of the Yellow Throne
- Fastest Tire Changer of 1971
“To you, sir, I can at most give a leg to shake.”
“So you have entered here on Sunday and neither be, nor em, nor a cock-a-doodle-doo!”
“There are positive pluses and negative pluses”
“Only one word suits here - motherfucker!”
“I will say it evasively out”
“I have made a 360 degree turn”
“I'm in favor, and even against”
“I wants not, but I has to”
“There should be a left leg and a right leg. And I'll be in between”
“Wałęsa, give me my 100'000'000!!!”
“How dare you attack me? Attacking me, thinking bad about me is a crime!”