Lee Van Cleef
“If he was bald I'd wrestle with him in a sack.”
“What a pussy.”
Lee Van Cleef is a homicidal cyborg created in 1776 by the first Continental Congress to "shoot stuff", and not only to "shoot stuff" but to "shoot stuff that's really far away" and not only to "shoot stuff that's really far away" but to "shoot stuff that's really far away really good" and not only to "shoot stuff that's really far away really good" but to "shoot stuff that's really far away really good and really cool" and not only to "shoot stuff that's really far away really good and really cool" but to "make a delicious cake".
Lee Van Cleef's first act as The Terminator was to fire the "shot 'heard round the world" and single-handedly kill King George III. The famous shot was fired from Quahog, Rhode Island across the Atlantic Ocean and took King George III by surprise as he was enjoying his infamous "tea and biscuits". He then proceeded to kill a bunch of Native Americans, as was the style at the time.
The "Wandering" Years
After killing Native Americans for a century or so, Lee Van Cleef decided it was time for a change, so he hopped a train to the south-west and proceeded to kill Mexicans and slap women. It was during his Mexican killing days that he teamed up with Clint Eastwood for the stunning musical For A Few Dollars More, You Can Supersize It, in which he played a cook at WacArnold's. Clint Eastwood played the villainous role of the owner of a rival fast food restaurant, Pressed Ground Beef Patties Queen who was always trying to shut down WacArnold's in a hilarious fashion. The finale of the musical had Lee Van Cleef and Clint Eastwood dance arm in arm singing Livin' La Vida Loca while shooting the true villain, the infamous El Gato Apagado, owner of John In The Cube Shaped Storage Compartment.
The musical was banned in several countries around the world and fifty-one states. Lee Van Cleef's reprisal (the infamous St. Valentine's Day Massacre), in which he shot Tony Montana in his Miami mansion from the seat of an upside down helicopter in Ontario, Canada, was not enough to get the musical un-banned, so Lee Van Cleef decided to move onto his next great career choice: slapping women.
The art of slapping women was perfected by Lee Van Cleef in the documentary The Good the Bad and the Ugly. There are several reasons to slap women, and Lee Van Cleef makes sure to make them all clear:
- Refusal to answer a question.
- Blabbing about "suffrage" or other such nonsense.
- Giving you the stink-eye.
- Wearing pants.
- "Driving" a car.
- Buying shoes.
- Watching a romantic comedy.
After giving many women many a good slapping, Lee Van Cleef decided it was time for the greatest duel of his life.
The Great Duel
What would come to be known as "The Great Duel" took place on March 19th, 1968 in Indianapolis, Indiana. Lee Van Cleef challenged Revolver Ocelot to a shoot-off. Revolver Ocelot quite cockily agreed, and proceeded to shoot a fly that was buzzing around some cow-dung at the top of Pike's Peak. Lee Van Cleef laughed, drew his pistol, and proceeded to shoot the eyelash off a midget in Wales on top of a large hill. Revolver Ocelot fumed, but proceeded to draw and shoot the hangnail off of an out-of-work Pakistani actor in the Taj Mahal in India. Lee Van Cleef nodded thoughtfully, and then proceeded to shoot a Japanese man's penis in Tokyo on top of a large skyscraper. Revolver Ocelot laughed cunningly, proclaiming, "I have you now, Lee Van Cleef!" and proceeded to shoot the flea off of a mountain goat's snout at the peak of Mount Everest.
Lee Van Cleef just shook his head, sadly, and drew, shooting the tick off of a pigeon caught in the grill of a 747 at 30,000 feet over Siberia. Revolver Ocelot lowered his head in shame, but Lee Van Cleef just put his arm around Ocelot's shoulder and said, "Listen, sonny, I know right now you want to commit suicide, but just hang on a few years and you'll be shooting around corners and torturing people like the best of 'em." And by God, he did.
The Chuck Norris Controversy
In an interview, conducted at his mountain nest in 1993, Van Cleef firmly laid the blame for the collapse of his career at the feet of former Canadian Prime Minister Chuck Norris. Norris, he claimed, had pursued a lifelong vendetta against him, going as far as poaching his young protege Vanilla Ice, stealing his favorite bicycle and killing a number of people that Van Cleef had intended to kill himself. The one-sided feud dragged on, in various newspapers until, finally, in 1999, on the eve of the millenium, Norris broke the silence and issued a press release that read, "What the hell would he know, he's Chinese or something ain't he." Insiders say that Van Cleef, a prominent opponent of Communism, was never really the same man again.
The Death Of Lee Van Cleef
The Death Of Lee Van Cleef is the great mythological tale of the sailor Gilgamesh who sailed the whole way across the Netherlands to the Isle of Avalon to tell Lee Van Cleef he would soon die of Mustache Cancer. Lee Van Cleef snorted and blew Gilgamesh's head off, and then retired to New Jersey.
Fun Facts and Trivia
- Lee Van Cleef shot the asteroid in half in Armageddon. Bruce Willis did crap.
- Lee Van Cleef shot Nice Guy Eddie.
- Lee Van Cleef's mustache is valued at over 1,000,000,000 U.S. dollars.
- Lee Van Cleef once "reached back like a pimp and slapped the ho".
- Lee Van Cleef invented the color black.
- Lee Van Cleef's years as a ninja in the 1980's went unnoticed until he kidnapped the President and was forced to kill the Bad Dudes.
- Lee Van Cleef was responsible for Vanilla Ice's initial combat training, although since Ice's discovery by Van Cleef's bitter rival Chuck Norris, this has been swept under the carpet by a crack team of historical revisionists employed by sinister Nazi front group Wikipedia.
- Lee Van Cleef shot the sheriff, but did not shoot his deputy.
- Lee Van Cleef is the sole survivor of the Rematch at the OK Corral.
- Lee Van Cleef was adapted as a god in 39% of the tribes in Africa.
- Lee Van Cleef really shot Elvis, "while trying to impress a broad", by shooting at the opposite direction of Elvis, and having the bullet bouncing only from DVD copies of Shane. the shot was so impossible that Elvis disappeared from the time\space sequence to erase evidence.
- Lee Van Cleef's third eye was pink, but he kept it covered up!