Leeroy ‘Po-boy’ Brown

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Leeroy 'Po-Boy' Brown at 35
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Wikipedia doesn't have a proper article about Leeroy ‘Po-boy’ Brown. It really wouldn't help those so-called experts by writing one either.

Early years[edit]

Leeroy was born in 1900 to claustrophobic, agoraphobic mother Barbie Brown-Bush and accident-prone, speech-impaired George Bush Sr. in rural-urban Kentucksylvania. It is not commonly known he also had a twin sister, Julie - otherwise known as current US President George "dumb-yeah" Bush - who underwent sex change and stereotype reassignment surgery before buying his/her/its/wtf?!? way into office with $20 bucks USD and an old piece of cheese.

Late, late childhood[edit]

At age 30, their mother was killed when, while living in their home’s front doorway to avoid the stress of being inside or outdoors, their father came home from a long day of slaughtering baby seals and ‘accidentally’ slammed the door, bisecting her instantly. Leeroy and Julie, both already colossal idiots and hardcore drunks, attempted to sew Mrs. Brown-Bush back together and propped her up on a lamp, figuring their father wouldn’t notice the difference.

A week later, after growing displeased with her smell and ‘stiff bedroom manner,’ George Sr. dragged his oddly mushy wife to marriage counseling. Dr. Phil prescribed George Sr. 12-inch Viagra suppositories and Mrs. Bush 8000 mg Xanax tablets, to be crushed and snorted or smoked in her crack pipe. Mrs. Bush, being dead, cut in half and sewn back together, did not take her tablets, but no one noticed as the bottle did in fact gradually become empty over several days; around that time, Leeroy and Julie were strangely well behaved, lying fetal in one spot for hours at a time, grinning like loons and crapping themselves...lying fetal being the only part out of the ordinary. Two nights later, George Sr. , having shoved 3 Viagra suppositories up his ass, proceeded to shag Barbie’s corpse until the stitches gave way. He then became angry that neither of his two new wives responded to his studliness and died of a heart attack and penis explosion.

Realizing their genetically-imprinted potential for sheer stupidity, the now-orphaned twins went their separate ways: Julie to Los Angeles (where she became the peace loving George W. Bush now loved the world over) and Leeroy to Canada, seeking more of ‘their kind.’

Early adulthood...more or less[edit]

Leeroy searched the U.S. for five years, unable to pinpoint the exact location of the fabled Great Empire of Canadia as no one had a clue what the hell he was talking about. He was later taken in by wild Catholics in New Zealand’s vast wastelands, where he learned to drink like a sailor, sing like a wounded chicken, and dance like a that slutty chick in Showgirls.

Leeroy eventually wandered off one night, stumbling into New Orleans on the mistaken assumption it was just one giant open-air bar. He was immediately elected mayor. He acquired the nickname 'po-boy' when the slogan for his landslide victory 20th re-election campaign read:

Thick and juicy man-meat, that’s the stuff I like to eat!!

2005[edit]

Despite recent flooding that has seriously fucked-up everyone's Mardi Gras plans, Mayor Brown has refused to evacuate from the city, insisting to relief workers that “happy hour ain’t over yet!!!” and tying himself to the street sign at the corner of St. Anne and Bourbon Street.

About 10,000 amphibious stoners from the original Atlantis in Georgia, having washed ashore with the storm surge into the soggy city, renamed it Atlantis: The Seek-well and crowned Leeroy their king after he demonstrated to them how their doobies will only burn above water.