Gottfried Leibniz

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“Leibniz's GONADS mirror reality”

~ A rather more informed graf-ito enscriber on the toilets of the Millport Philosphers Club

Gottfried Leibniz (Pronounced Got-Milk? Fried-Chicken Liebniz) was a Mathemater and Philosophician of such unparallellellelled mediocrity that he became mildly famous among philomaticians and some mathophysers. He is also noted for his resembleance to Frank Zappa

Early Life[edit]

Leibniz's brain returned to visit him occasionally. In this image it perches happily on his shoulder.

Leibniz was born to a university professor and a Schmuck, some time in the late 17th century, about 6:15PM on an unseasonably hot July evening. He was home schooled and showed a natural talent for serious activities like tapdancing, plate spinning, dismantling abaci, winking at frogs, measuring the distance of the drunken men's spit in the weekly spitting contest. However, his parents discouraged such activities in favour of a lighter course in philossophy and maths, fearing his obsession with the more serious side of life might cause him to end up being a pessimist in later life. Such fears were unfounded, as we shall see, Leibniz was to become the most optimistic man in history, after Schopenhauer. Due to pressure from his father, he gave up these hobbies to pursue a career as a roving intellectual, travelling from town to town looking pensive and pondering. This he did for many years without much incident.

Rise to mediocrity[edit]

Leibniz's rise to mediocrity was due to his unconventional pondering style. He liked to stand upside down on his elbows in a paddling pool full of tepid decaffeinated coffee. This he claimed helped him attain a higher level of pensiveness. This odd behaviour was noticed first by this guy who took Leibniz as his protege and brought him to the BIG CITY. Here Leibniz became mildly famous for a time, more for his ability to stand on his elbows for several hours at a time than for his philosophising on mathematisations, which were piss-poor.

Short fall back to obscurity[edit]

The association with This dude, led inevitably to Leibniz becoming a kitten huffer. After huffing a particularly large tortoiseshell kitty, Leibniz's brain crawled out of his left ear and went on to have a successful solo career as a croupier in a Las Vegas casino. This did not affect this dude Leibniz's ability to write dense tomes of dubious philosophical merit. Despite such works being routinely panned by the critics, Leibniz maintained his philosophical output was the "best of all possible works". He also returned to his childhood loves of tapdancing and platespinning. He died whilst trying to perform a tapdance solo while standing on his elbows in a paddling pool full of spinning plates. Its the way he wanted to go, as the feat obeyed his "Principle of sufficient plate spinning".

Rising from the dead[edit]

As predicted by Nostradamus Leibniz rose from the dead and helped develop the Bernoulli-Leibniz-Feynman quantuum parallax topology effect, the first and so far the only important development in zombie science. Once he had completed this task, Leibniz became the worlds first tapdancing zombie, though Newton disputed this, arguing he had developed the principle independently of Leibniz.

Contributions[edit]

As well as the Bernoulli-Leibniz-Feynman quantuum parallax topology effect, Leibniz has developed several tapdancing moves of his own. He has been quoted as saying "muuuuuuuuh, gnnnuuuuuugh. uuuuuuuuuuuuu" which translates roughly as "I could kick a zombie fred astaire from here to Bankok. Yeah motherfucker!" The fine art of tepid-coffee-elbow-standing has developed around the groundbreaking work done by Leibniz, but only the real purists demand decaffeinated coffee.

Anecdotes[edit]

  • Some guy I met in a pub once told me that Gottfried Leibniz had tried to look at his cock when he was peeing next to him in the toilets. But this may just be Leibniz's zombie eye detatching itself a little and rolling about.
  • Lou Reed claimed that Leibniz abused him as a child, but this is patently absurd since Mr. Reed would have been seven thousand years old and made entirely of leather by the time Leibniz span his first plate.
  • It is said if Leibniz ever lost an arm wrestle, he would leap across the table and rip off the lips.