Nobody really knows what the hell Lemmings are. They're described somewhere in the manual, but nobody really wants to read it. Whatever it says they are, it's something stupid, like gnomes or some magic shit like that. All you need to know is that they're really, really stupid. And green. They're idiots. But they're not like normal idiots. Normal idiots don't have green hair.
The game has two modes of play. The first mode involves these... these... whatever the hell you call them. Anyway, they jump into some kind of a magical hole without looking and land in a world with fire, brimstone, booby traps, bottomless pits, and all sorts of safety hazards. Then, they expect you to rescue them by showing them how to get to the fire escape. Of course, it's not enough to just say "There's the exit. See it? Just go there and you're safe." No! you have to building some fucking Rube-Goldberg machine out of building blocks and explosives and narrowly dodge all of these sharp objects and fiery pits FOR them. Afterward, you can't help but to tell these things, "Please, PLEASE, next time you see a magic hole, think before you jump. In fact, never mind. Just don't jump. Just DON'T jump." But right after you rescue them, they all jump into another fucking magic hole and you have to do everything all over again! This gets old after a while, and eventually it eats at your nerves to the point of breaking down. When this happens, it's not uncommon to develop a very strong urge to kill every last lemming...instantly. Fortunately, the game designers foresaw this demand, and invented a button (the NUKE) to accommodate. Thanks to their brilliance, triggering a cacophony of screaming, fireworks and destruction is only a double-click away.
The game was named after a small species of South American beetle which uses its antennae to steer herds of Mus musculus into traps fashioned from sharpened twigs and PVC pipe.
Academics consider the second mode to be more interesting, but fans of the game detest it. This is the mode that is used in psychotherapy. Things are quite twisted. The lemmings are depressed and wandering around aimlessly, and some kill themselves. The student must correctly identify the correct prescription to get the lemmings out of their slump. There are eight choices:
- Climbers. Some lemmings are bogged down with a very busy life. This allows them to climb out.
- Floaters. Exactly what it says on the tin, turns your lemming into a piece of shit
- Bombers. Some lemmings are bored. A career in the military is sure to make things interesting.
- Blockers. For the bored lemmings scared of military combat, assign them be a goalie on a soccer team.
- Builders. Face it, some lemmings are fine if they only have some mindless task to occupy themselves with. Assign them to compile (not write) software programs. If they stare in fascination at the compilation log, you chose right.
- Bashers. This one makes your lemming beat the bishop.
- Miners. And some lemmings are too mean. Teach them to mine for the good in others.
- Diggers. Some lemmings talk like, "Ay, matey! I will cut yer throat and feed ye to the sharks. Har!" These have a pirate nature and so you should send them digging, looking for buried treasure.
- Swear-like-a-Sailors. This type of lemming is usually the stupid bastard who thought it would be clever to get the little vermin to the door.
- Emos. Many people have speculated at the possibility of a 10th type of Lemming; the Emo lemming, due to their similar group suicide rituals.
- The Fan. Nobody knows how this one got in here, but apparently it had to be in the Classic tribe after being in all of the others. This gives the lemmings a chance to cool off, or you can puff out the flame so that the lemmings cannot find the exit.
- The Hanger. Some Lemmings can't handle life, so they say 'Fuck this' and hang themselves for no reason.