Lent

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Lent.

“I am a good Catholic girl. I send my Lenten Quarter a day holder card to Keep a Child Alive every year”

  more jokes. <-- your mom is a more jokes.

“Don't eat meat on Fridays......unless you forget! Ah, just do whatever the hell you want.”

~ Jim Gaffigan on Lent


Lent is a Cat-tholic practice that involves lots of sacrifice and ridiculous rituals. Cats believe that this is the only way to salvation.

Origin[edit]

Lent started out when the Pope one day decided to steal a practice from the Pagans and claim it as a Cat-tholic exclusive ritual. Pagans then tried to sue the Pope for copyright violation, but the case was won by the Pope, and the filthy heathens were burned at the stake. The old Pagan practice and the reenactment of the aforementioned lawsuit soon became known as Lent, named after the Pope's favorite ball of Lent.

Sacrifices[edit]

First, one must sacrifice something they enjoy. The average cat sacrifices their favorite scratch pole to God, in hopes for His approval. They throw their item into the fiery abyss a few blocks down their church. They also commonly choose to quit catnip cold turkey, but when Easter comes around, they get in their heroine stache they saved up throughout the practice.

They also are not allowed to eat fish during Lent. Ever, or at least not on every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and night of the full moon. Or every day that ends with -sday, or something like that. Apparently, it is said in the Book of Whiskers that St. Thomas of MGM was waging an epic battle with his arch rival Jeremy. He was unable to eat any fish on the aforementioned days (whatever those days may be) from the pickiness of his chefs. God saw it as an act of fasting, and Thomas was given super strength and the ability to shoot lasers out his eyes by Him. Tom easily pwn3d Jerry in the battle, and the story makes little kittens want to abstain from fish completely for the lasers.

Lenten Holidays[edit]

Among the traits of Lent, their rituals are the most unique and signature.

Mardi Gras[edit]

Mardi Gras is celebrated by Cat-tholics starting with a good binge on catnip. They they throw rosaries made of rocks and bricks at women who show off their breasts. Some Cat-tholics pass out from the catnip buzz and accidentally having the rosaries thrown at their skulls. Others end up waking up the next morning sharing a bed with the ugliest thing they have ever seen.

Ash Wednessay[edit]

The day after Mardi Gras comes Ash Wednesday. On this day, the Cat-tholics acquire ash by burning heathens alive and collecting what is left of them after their fiery deaths into Hell. They throw teh ashes in the litter box and jump in it. They smear themselves in teh ashes while purring over their victory against the evil beings.

Palm Sunday[edit]

On this day, Cat-tholics go and slice of their own palms and offer them to their local altar to please God. God does not approve of hands that masturbate or carry modern medical tools.

Holy Thursday[edit]

This day has absolutely no signifigance, and is full of holes.

Good Friday[edit]

This day is good, because Cat-tholics stop being bigoted assholes. They sit at home and do nothing all day. the Pope commands them to, so he can go paly some golf.

Bad Friday[edit]

This is good Friday in an alternate universe. It looks just like Good Friday, but with a beard.

Worse Friday[edit]

Bad Friday, when it falls on the 13th. Looks just like Bad Friday, but with fangs and claws.

Easter Vigil[edit]

This is the day before Easter, where the Easter Bunny comes out at night and hides chocolate Jesuses. Anyone who sees the Easter Bunny this night is killed and unpersoned. Children tend to stay in bed out of fear of the Easter Bunny's wrath.

Easter Sunday[edit]

This day is when all Cat-tholics rejoice for them hitting the catnip agian and being able to eat fish without burning in Hell the resurrection of Jesus. The children also get to find and eat the Easter Bunny's droppings from the night before. Nothing teaches piety like biting the head off a chocolate Jesus!

See Also[edit]

Catholic Easter Ramadan