Leominster

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Actually a real place. Honestly.

Leominster (Pronounced 'Lempster') is the Administrative and Capital City of Herefordshire with a population of approximately 3.9 million. This town used to be unique in the United Kingdom with its main spoken first language being Polish as long ago as 1900, though the language has since been widely adopted throughout the nation. The city had humble beginnings. Ancient explorers seeking new wealth and resources for the British Empire came south along the A49 and stopped when they saw how majestically large Dinmore Hill was. They realised that they couldn't be bothered to climb it, and so established the town in the foothills.

Education Institutions[edit]

The United Kingdom's leading private school Earl Mortimer College is located in the city outskirts, many of its charming young lady scholars are to be found lining the streets at lunchtime.

Shopping[edit]

File:Http://s0.geograph.org.uk/geophotos/03/68/36/3683632 04f13656.jpg
Another local shop in Leominster which lasted less than 3 months.

Leominster is the only city in the United Kingdom not to have any of the following : Dixons, Currys, Dorothy Perkins, Bay Trading, Halfords, HMV, C+A, Argos, ASDA, Tesco, Sainsburys, Body Shop, Burtons, Comet, Clarks, Early Learning Centre, Harrods, H Samuel, Homebase, House of Fraser, JJB Sports, John Lewis, PC World, Superdrug, Tie Rack, TopMan,TopShop, Vodaphone, Toys are Us and Waterstones.

The Leominster branch of Oxfam however, is the largest in the United Kingdom.

Transport[edit]

Leominster is connected to nearby Hereford and Ludlow using the A49 Autobahn, where average speeds often exceed 120 mph. This road has received several awards for its spotless safety record.

It is widely acknowledged that Leominster's public transportation system is the finest in the world. Mainly because you can walk FROM anywhere TO anywhere in Leominster in four minutes. However, for travellers venturing farther north than Morrisons, a horse and cart can be made available.

Employment[edit]

Leominster fire statio, which was recently completely rebuilt after it burned down.

Approximately 3.2 million of the city's residents are employed at the numerous strawberry farms that surround the area. It is thought that the extremely high wages and high standard of living attract people from all over the world to come to Leominster to work. The remainder of the populace either work at the local chocolate factory at Marlbrook, poisoning the national supply [1] - or at a local sports retailers warehouse, ruing the day they got sacked from the strawberry farm and plotting their revenge.

Nightlife & Leisure[edit]

Leominster attracts people from all over the country for its fantastic nightlife - centering upon the one and only 90,000 capacity "Euphoria" nightclub. For those of a sporting disposition, Re-Rack is one of the cleanest and finest pool halls in the country. Eating out in Leominster is a fascinating experience, particularly for diners with an interest in forensic science or entymology, although on occasions conventional meats such as chicken, pork and beef have been found in takeaway meals, occasioning much uproar from residents and authorities alike.

Residents[edit]

Residents of the city are known as "Leominsterites", "Lemners", "Pointy Heads" or plainly "Chavs" - No-one knows why.

References in Popular history[edit]