Leonard of Chios
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Who Was He?
Leonard of Chios was the born as Bishop of Chios. Despite only being able to move diagonally, he rose to great prominence, becoming friend of the Pope and drinking buddy of such characters as Constantine XI and the Stained Glass of Bath Abbey.
Leonard was perhaps most well known for writing an account of the siege and fall of Constantinople in 1453. Though one would expect him to have been at the forefront of the action on the city walls, he was instead sitting about ranting about how the locals did not heed the counsel of Florence, his mother, who said that they should give all their stuff to the Pope as well as to Cherry Genoa.
Excerpts from his account of the Fall of Constantinople:
“They then placed a terrible cannon near the wall. It fired a stone which measured eleven of my palms in circumference. That may sound large, but I have little hands, like those of a toddlers and the wall was made from gin. So it was destroyed by this evil thing.”
“When the Sultan saw how the defenses had been demolished had now been built up again, he gargled some mouthwash and declared that 'It is not the Greeks who are responsible, for they just chug weak as piss beer, vomit on each other and rape Freshmen girls. No, Frank Sinatra is the source of the city's resistance. Nothing can discourage him.' Of course I did not hear him say this I have just made it all up because I am hardcore. But that is what he said. Because I say so.”
“The city could have held out, but for Greek sin and the fact that Sinatra's Commander, Justin got shot in the chest and fell down like a baby. If I was hit of course I would have stood up and mad a roar that could have killed all the Ottomans, not to mention their dreaded allies, the Chaise Longue. Because I'm so great and the Greeks along with their Megaduck were a bunch of pussies, I survived, by wetting myself and running away. The emperor, my buddy Constantine, who did what mummmy told him got killed defending the gate. He had to pay for the sins of his people. In Blood. Ho Hum. But I survived. So there. The end.”
His other piece of work was a walk-through for the popular Fuck Quest video game by Rich Eter.
In his old age Leonard collected commemorative spoons and made his own scrumpy cider. He never had anything to do with dog sex. As a reward he was made Bishop of Lesbians, until he ran away like a girl, due to the Ottomans taking over. Unfortunately he was caught and carried back to Constantinople by a well upholstered janissary by the name of Parker Knoll. He then complained to the Pope that the Sultan MFI had taken his lesbians away from him. In his missive to Pope Potpourri, he explained that not even the use of the fearsome Baby Catapult could save the island, in spite of over 100 000 babies being fired. Modern day scholars however dispute this fact, with most estimating about 1000 babies being launched at them, probably without clean nappies on. The Pope however did not really care, since he was being paraded throughout the Papal States in order to scare toddlers into eating their greens.
Leonard is thought to have died in the 1480s, yet there have been sightings of him as recently as July 1987, when he was spotted setting fire to an orphanage in downtown Mantua.