Les Stroud

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Les Stroud, age 14, during one of his first filmed wilderness expeditions.

“All you need is a [insert plant], some [insert stick / rock / animal feces], and a good multitool.”

~ Les Stroud on surviving in the wilderness

“Bastard couldn't survive his way out of a paper bag!”

~ Bear Grylls on Les Stroud

Les Stroud is a Canadian musician, film maker, hunter, telivision personality, forager, bushman, and all-around badass. He is famous for creating the television program Survivorman: Crazy Nature Shit, in which he films himself surviving alone in the wilderness for several years at a time, often with no food, water, or clothing. He is also a prolific country musician and has released several albums under the stage name "Les Stroud". Stroud is also the sworn enemy of survivalist Bear Grylls.

Biography[edit]

Stroud, age 15, pictured with the head of his first Sasquatch killing.

Les Stroud (biologoical parents unknown) was raised by wolves until the age of three. He succeeded living in the wilderness with no possessions but some sticks, a rock, and his "trusty multitool". At the age of 10, he ventured his way out of the ravine in which he was raised, and reached the city of Toronto. There he studied film, music, drama, interpretive dance, hunting, fishing, firebuilding, Eating-All-Sorts-of-Crazy-Shit-101, martial arts, basket-weaving, Canadian history, and marketing. Working part time at the local Denny's, he eventually saved up enough money to buy a video camera and headed out into the the Canadian Rocky Mountains, where he shot his first film, Survivorman: I Just Ate a Squirrel or Some Crazy Shit. During the filming, Stroud managed to capture and kill a Sasquatch by coaxing it into his tent, sleeping with it, then strangling it while it was having an after-sex smoke. This technique has been taught in many survival classes and is widely considered the best way to take down any large creature.

In 1989, Stroud (age 17) broke the record for the fastest run across Canada at 3 hours, 24 minutes (previously held by Terry Fox at 11 hours, 42 minutes). He claims the only reason he finished so quickly was that he had "that will to live", which in Canadian, means "I was running from some Philipino hookers that I pissed off".

After trafficking tapes of his first film in the streets of Toronto, Stroud managed to raise enough money to shoot a second film, Les Stroud Survives Celine Dion's Entire Discography. Fellow survivor Jeff Probst stated that the act was "a goddamn manly thing to do. Seriously, it's like facing death and then kicking it in the balls." It grossed $1,430,000,000 on its opening day, a record-breaker at the time. The film went on to become his most successful production to date, winning six Academy Awards (Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, Best Fight Scene, Freakiest Villain, and Craziest Shit Eaten on Camera). According to Stroud, he always expected the film to do as well as it did. "From the moment I started listening to 'My Heart Will Go On', I knew the film would be a blockbuster. Because I'm just that fucking good."[1]

Stroud used the revenues from Celine Dion to pay for a trip to Costa Rica, where he filmed a television special for Discovery Channel titled Survivorman: This Place Has Some Freakishly Big-ass Spiders and Shit. After the special brought the number of channel viewers up to its highest peak ever (just under 12), Stroud was signed on by Discovery to create a TV series. Filming began in 1994 and continued on for 12 years. The series first aired on Discovery in 2006 and featured Les surviving in such locations as the Sahara Desert, Idaho, the International Nudist Sumo Festival, Barbra Streisand's Nose, and Stroud's own backyard.

In 2007, Stroud was arrested under suspicion of suicide. He pleaded not guilty (claiming he hated killing anything, including himself). The jury found him guilty and he spent several hours in jail, during which he shot his third and fourth films Les Stroud Teaches You How to Make Sangria in the Toilet and Survivorman's Guide to Shanking.

Stroud went on a break from filming after being released from prison. During this time, he worked on his harmonica skills and released 12 albums, including his Christmas Hits EP (which went triple platinum a month later). He also wrote an autobiography, Les Stroud: I Eat Snakes and Shit For Breakfast. Once, I Even Ate This Ugly-Ass Grub Thing That I Found in a Tree. It Was Nasty.

His most recent film is Survivorman and the Regina Best Western (with continental breakfast). It received poor reviews from critics, and is currently ranked as "complete shit" on Rotten Tomatoes with a 12% freshness rating.

Relationship with Bear Grylls[edit]

Bear Grylls' infamous attempt to munch on Les Stroud's head.

During the filming of his TV series, Stroud happened to come across Bear Grylls surviving a live taping of Oprah. Stroud made a mention about the use of camera crew, SUVs, guns, free nights at any Best Western, and room service on Grylls' show Man vs. Wild. Grylls allegedly called him a "pussy" and attempted to eat him, claiming that he would be a "good source of protein". This sparked a years-long feud between Stroud and Grylls, which has resulted in several lawsuits, a complete colectomy, hurt feelings, three children, and a divorce settlement.

When asked about his relationship with Bear Grylls, Stroud stated that "he wouldn't know shit about protein if it came up and screwed him up the ass." Bear responded to this statement by claiming that he had indeed slept with protein several years before, which had resulted in his three children.[2]

Last Encounter[edit]

While filming for their next episode, Les Stroud of "Survivorman" and Bear Grylls of "Man vs. Wild" cross paths in the wilderness of Alaska. Here's what follows:
Cquote1.png Bear: It's very important to stay as warm and rubbing animal feces on yourself is a good way to do this. *Hears Footsteps*

Les: Well hey, look who it is. Sh*tface himself, Bear Grylls...

Bear: Oh...Hello Les, get separated from you boy scout troop again. Did Discovery Channel actually give you a 2nd season?

Les: Yes they did. They had no choice. Your roll is to be like the show WildBoyz, I have to be the show that teaches you to survive.

Bear: What, are you jealous that I'm stealing the spotlight?

Les: Yeah, I'm real jealous. I wish I had sh*t on my face and I wish that I used my own piss soaked shirt to keep cool, or drink water from elephant sh*t. COME ON GRYLLS, WHO ARE YOU KIDDING!? Bear: I TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO SURVIVE!!

Les: Is that so. So normal people jump out of planes when the go camping in the middle of the Costa Rican jungle. Is that it? Normal people have camera crews following them as the go "deep into the jungle". Normal people choose to eat raw fish or jump into icy water on a glacier when they have a perfectly good fire? Face it, you're a joke. Your just a pretty face that goes hiking and films it!

Bear: You are jealous. Ratings are up on my show and besides, you couldn't cut it doing the extreme things I do. I climbed Everest at age 23, I was in the British SAS until I broke my back, and I crossed the frozen North Atlantic in an inflatable boat just to name a few! You on the other hand are just a musician who likes camping!

Les: My music is boss just like my show is relevant. It's very easy to have to use a broken dirk bike to help you survive in the desert or suffer from rabbit starvation.

Bear: Oh, I forgot you were such a bad ass. I'm out of here. Go play your harmonica and fuck off.

Les: No, please stay. I'm about to do the segment where I teach my viewers how to deal with assbags in the wild.

Bear: Nice joke. You sounded convinced that people actually watch your show! Call me from your stupid satellite phone when you go prime time!...Jackass!

  • The two go the separate ways and Bear whispers something to the camera*

Bear: Now I will show you how shitting on a fire log and pissing on a douchebag's shirt can drive the douchebag away!

Cquote2.png

Footnotes[edit]

  1. Quoted from his interview with George Stroumbouloposomethingorother.
  2. Bobcat Wildsnake Grylls, I'm A Fucking Lion Grylls, Eric Grylls