Letitia Tyler

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“No! I just don't want something heavy thrown at me every time you want to have sex!”

~ John Tyler on his wife, Letitia Tyler, throwing heavy objects at him every time she wants to have sex

“Since I've married you, we've had 9 children, but I've gotten more than 9 concussions!”

~ John Tyler on his wife's desires
"GRRRRRRR! Letitia Angry!" (and Patriotic)

Letitia "that old Hag" Tyler (November 12, 1790 - September 10, 1842) was the first wife of President John Tyler and the First Lady of the the United States of America from 1841 until 1842. She was also the greatest boxer in the United States of America from 1805 to 1842. John Tyler poisoned her in 1842 so that he could marry the much younger, prettier, less angry human woman named Julia Tyler.

Early Years[edit]

Letitia's High School Yearbook Picture

Letitia was a Klingon, born on the planet Klingon in the Klingon Empire in 1790. Because she was a Klingon, Letitia had no last name before she married John Tyler. When she was born, Letitia had 15 older brothers and no sisters. By the time she was 14, Letitia had 1 older brother, 8 older sisters, and six other older brothers who had mysteriously disappeared. Letitia was the only person present at the time of their disappearances. As a child, Letitia's favorite activities were eating, burning calories, and boxing. When Letitia turned 15, her parents were so afraid of her that they had her put aboard a spaceship, telling her that she was going to the Intergalactic Boxing Tournament of the Century on Earth. When she arrived, Letitia found herself in a cornfield in the United States of America. There was no such thing as the Intergalactic Boxing Tournament of the Century.

Boxing Career[edit]

From the time she was fifteen in 1805, Letitia was the greatest boxer in the United States which is why the young Koala-killing John Tyler came to her for boxing training in 1812, so that he could defeat and kill Allister K. Bear, the last living Giant-Koala in the world.

Letitia's Training Plan[edit]

  • 1) Jog 15 miles, in under 1 hour
  • 2) Eat 5 raw eggs
  • 3) Do 1,500 sit ups (with one hundred more being added each week)
  • 4) Do 850 push ups (with 100 being added each week)
  • 5) Eat 5 more raw eggs
  • 6) Do 500 bicep curls with a 200 pound weight on each arm
  • 7) Do 500 tricep extensions with a 200 pound weight on each arm
  • 8) Eat another 5 raw eggs
  • 9) Say the Pledge of Allegiance
  • 8) Sleep for 2 hours while being punched in the stomach
  • 9) Eat 5 more raw eggs
  • 10) Repeat the next day

Tyler's Progress[edit]

Throughout 1812, John Tyler became a better boxer. In fact Tyler would have been ready for the boxing match by the end of the year had he not contracted salmonella fives times that year. John and Letitia were also falling in love. (Awwwwww. So sweet.) On March 29, 1813, Letitia and John Tyler were married and Letitia became Letitia Tyler. For the next three years, John Tyler trained for his showdown with Allister K. Bear and contracted salmonella more than a dozen times. In 1816, Tyler and Bear fought a 15 round boxing match in Madison Square Garden. Tyler won, leaving Bear in a bloody heap at the base of the Empire State Building.

Letitia and John "bonding"

After the match, Letitia continued here boxing career and gave her husband 9 half-Klingon, half-Human children. In 1832, tensions began to arise between Letitia and John. Mainly, John didn't want to have heavy objects thrown at him every day and Letitia complained that John wasn't sturdy enough. For the next 10 years, John would grown to like Letitia less and less.

A Klingon First Lady[edit]

Letitia Tyler is well known for her service in the Glorious Revolution of 1841. During the Battle of Brazil, more than half of the Brazilian causalities were caused by Letitia. She also helped the rebels win the Siege of Washington D.C.

Letitia Tyler may have been a war hero, but she wasn't fit for the White House. It is believed that the White House was once 5 times its present size, but Letitia got angry and threw a maid through the wall, which caused most of the building to collapse. Letitia also killed 3 ambassadors, yelling "PEACE IS WEAK OLD MEN WITH NO HONOR! NOW DIE AND SPARE ME YOUR POINTLESS DRIVEL!"

In 1842, John Tyler meet the model, Julia Gardinier. Both Tyler's instantly fell in love with her. That night, Letitia and John got into a fight about who should divorce the other one and run away with Julia. John ended up unconscious for the next week. As soon as he got out of the hospital, John had one of his lackeys poison Letitia's morning power beverage with cyanide. She died instantly. Tyler and Julia were secretly married the next day, 2 hours before Letitia's funeral.