Letter to the Isle

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The Letter to the Isle (originally titled Letter of Recommendations and Suggestions To Become More Like The United States to the Shithole Known as Britain but changed due to publication censoring) was a letter to British Parliament written by an unnamed individual within the United States Senate in the Spring of 2005. The letter included nine recommendations and suggestions that Britain should consider to become more like the United States. Of course, none of them were taken into serious consideration.

British Reaction to the Letter[edit]

Quiet superiority, as the letter is an excellent example of the American incapacity for humour.

The Letter[edit]

Dear Parliament,

I write to you with a letter of recommendations and suggestions to become more like the United States. It's true that the United States is the envy of the world. With over $4.9 trillion in national debt and highest homicide rates of any country, we can't blame you for wanting to be just like us. But I, as a member of the glorious United States House of Senate understand that you're embarrassed to ask "how do we become just like you guys?" So I'm writing this in great secrecy. In fact, I'm currently writing this where nobody would suspect a senator to go: a place a moral enlightenment. Church.
And so it is to you people on that tiny island that's smaller than the size of California over there in Europe that I write words of wisdom. Take them, and make a better tiny island smaller than the size of California over there in Europe, as God knows you people need help.

1. Your moronic spelling and language[edit]

Look up "aluminum" in any good American dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it.
Fags. Note that they are not products consumed via smoking and manufactured out of cured and finely cut tobacco leaves, which are combined with other additives, then rolled or stuffed into a paper-wrapped cylinder.
You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh; if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you would have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as "fortnight." The correct term is "a two week period." "Fag" means homosexual, not cigarette. And cigarette means cigarette. You will learn words such as "credenza," "intern" and "chad," and get rid of words such as "councillor," "spide," "telly," "scrote," and "scally."

Also, start using "z" instead of "s" more often. For example, it's "capitalize" not "capitalise." And stop using "ou." It's "color" and "favorite," not "colour" and "favourite." Bastards.

There is no such thing as "UK English." UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.

Your offensive words sound funny. "Bugger" is a pathetic form of "fuck." There is but one offensive word for the human buttocks, and it is "ass." "Bum" is what we call homeless people, and "arse" just sounds stupid. And the word "bollocks", what the hell is up with that? And it's "wizz," not "wazz." You also seem to have more words for "boobs" and "nipples" than any other language (norks, bristols, scunners, knockers, chebs, and baps, just to name a few) and all of them sound ridiculous.

Also, as any loyal citizen of the United States will tell you (unlike the person who originally wrote this section that I just finished editing), punctuation marks go inside quotation marks. Always.

2. We can't understand your moronic TV either[edit]

Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse, Jafaican, or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.

The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain an American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.

In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters".

Humourous TV programs will no longer employ irony, understatement, satire, or absurdity. All humourous programs will be forced to employ slapstick humour such as people getting hit with pies in the face, getting hit in the crotch, or falling on their asses (NOT 'arses'), and of course bathroom humour such as fart jokes.

3. Give up that outdated brainwashing drone[edit]

You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner", which was written while we were beating your sorry asses in the War of 1812, which you lost. It shall be sung every morning at kindergartens, high schools, universities and your places of work.
American toilet paper.
Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union Flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.

November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia.

Actually, scratch that. You will not have guns. In the eyes of mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so, i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town, (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).

There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".

4. Quit those stupid sports and play real football![edit]

You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45-pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket and rounders. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing games which are only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.

5. Drive on the right side of the road, freaks![edit]

Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right side of the road with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.

Also, on your traffic signals, the blinking yellow light that occurs between the red light and the green light? Get rid of it. There is only one true yellow light, and it's the one that takes place before the red light. Nobody needs to be warned that a green light is about to happen, that's the one thing everyone who's stuck at a light looks for.

6. Fix your food and drinking age[edit]

Those things which you call "crisps" are actually chips, and are cholesterol-soaked abominations which originated from the United States. You will start to eat fries -- light fluffy potatoes in crispy coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance, which you should privatize. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans. And don't even get me started on what you think is pudding and what isn't!

Your drinking age is also too lenient. Make it stricter. Your youth are walking around drunk and pissing on sidewalks, while your elderly have scarred livers and are slipping on sidewalks covered in piss.

7. You and your functional families![edit]

All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year -- be inventive. It is also compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given mandatory courses on how to become dysfunctional and bitter. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.

Typical Brit at the dentist. "Everything seems fine here."

8. Fix your fucking teeth already[edit]

For people with socialized health care, you have terrible teeth. Lucky you. If there was an Olympic contest for bad teeth, the UK would have won gold all years running. Seriously. Your outdated dentistry techniques, which haven't been updated since the 1700s, need some reformation. Allow American industries to introduce something known as "toothpaste" to your adorable economy; the closest you currently have in the British market is strawberry paste, which you would use to brush if you could stop putting it on your English muffins and eating it. Not only are your teeth the color of lemons, but they're also protruding out of your gums and pointing in different directions like stalagmites. On that note, some braces wouldn't hurt either.

9. Your monarchy sucks[edit]

You guys waste a lot of money on a monarchy that doesn't do crap. Only barbaric countries that require some stability have monarchies. And only feudal class systems have queens, so by that logic, the average Brit is a serf, and those Grenadier Guards with the big poofy black hats outside of Buckingham Palace are the equivalent of knights. Except knights didn't use guns, and serfs didn't have televisions, so I guess you guys really have no idea what the hell is going on. Don't argue with my logic. It's flawless. Soon, your entire country will be thrown into chaos, all because you wouldn't get rid of the real-life soap opera known as the Royal Family. Tisk tisk.

And again, the queen has no real power. She's just an icon and a socialite; her influence is very limited (which she owes to the fact that she is old as tits). America's possible equivalent would be Paris Hilton, who when compared to your queen, is a saint in glass slippers.

See also[edit]


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