Leviticus was a top secret black project started by Satan sometime after the Genesis & Exodus fantasy novels for young boys were penned by Moses. The motivation behind Leviticus was that Satan would posess Moses to create a sacred text that would be so shamelessly stupid, that no man would be shamelessly stupid enough to buy into it, and thus, The Old Testament, The Bible, and indeed Religion as a whole would fall, with the cult of worship surrounding David Duchovny, Satans favourite actor, taking faith's place.
Satan : Come on. Moses : Absoloutely not! Satan : Come on! Moses : No! Absoloutely not! Satan : Consult your rock. Moses : My rock? Satan : Your stone. Or whatever it is. Come on. We could go to the top, darling. Moses : ...Could I still be a novelist afterwards? Satan : Sure! Moses : Okay then.
Moses pens Leviticus
After the meeting with Satan and your Mom, and the subsequent Methamphetamine all nighter, Moses emerged from the pits of hell with a new outlook on life. He would pen Leviticus and become a folk hero among his people for his new genre of choice : Crime & Punishment short horror.
“We could have went to the top. Right to the fucking top! Then Moses got himself hooked on amphetamines. I attempted to bring him down to my level, you know. Knees. Cock sucking buddies like we used to be, but he insisted on making Leviticus as downright scary and offensive as he could!”
Moses indulged day and night in his frightening works, enlisting the help of various other novelists of the time to create an atmospheric, rancid publication. He would not stop, he would not relent. He wanted to create a work that was so downright offensive, baseless, pointless and - well - shit, that NOBODY would buy into Religion.
“It was my life. I ate, drank, slept Leviticus. But Satan pussied out. All he wanted to do was suck my cock. We were in it for the oral pleasure. But my work started to mean something more.”
When the work was finally complete, Moses has a frightening list of copies to print. After all, people needed the absolute shit scared out of them. The work was not what Satan wanted, however. You could feel the two going their separate ways. "Creative differences."
“Satan was destined to start a shitty solo career as a night ghoul. Moses, for his part, was destined to crash out on hotel floors for the rest of his life. You know how these stories go.”
(Pronounciation: "Aye-Seee-..Phleeegm--Oh, wait..)
Things Leviticus forbids
- Same Sex
- Contraceptive Sex
- Sex in general
- Steven Segal movies
- Teen horror movies
- Christopher Tolkien publications
- Tamia music
- Drugs that are not amphetamines
- Fox News
- Brandon Lee
- Led Zeppelin
- TNA iMPACT
Things Leviticus encouraged
- Alicia Keys music
- Rampant Methamphetamine use
- Dog The Bounty Hunter
- Saying BAOWLZ
- Orwellian ideals
- Being an extra on COPS
- Microsoft xp
- Family Values
- Bill Gates
- Sharon Osbourne
- Fox News
The people are fucking retards after all!
Next comes the really funny part of our tale, because it may include you. People adopted Leviticus. People became inspired by Leviticus. Leviticus became a regular mainstay of various FAMILY Bibles.
“That was me finished. My career over. Satan is nothing compared to Leviticus. How can I corrput these people anymore?.”
“It was a tough time for everyone. Everyone but Moses. He cut ties with me. God went into reclusion, ashamed of having his work tarnished by Leviticus. He even gave us Jesus to try and make things up, but he should have known we like our boys to STAY young, not live forever!”
Moses side projects
The following is a list of artistic endevours followed up by Moses...
- Cunt at the Gates of Your Door - A concept album dealing with Moses premonitions of Rape, and him following them up.
- Deep Pockets and Brilliant Furnishings - A collection of poems by Moses dealing with the post Leviticus Moses with his new found fame.
- The Old Ultraviolator - A final concert film before his death, Moses deals with losing his Im a dirty rotten bastard touch of scaring kids after hitting the big 178.
Satan side projects
The following is a list of artistic endevours followed up by Satan...
- The Dark Side Of The Me - Satan reminding everybody of just who he is. Satan. An orchestral piece.
- Satan's list - After The Dark Side Of The Me flopped, Satan turned to being a nice guy. This is the semi biographical tale of just that.
- Wish You Were Here or Sweat And Gloating In Circle Nine - You can probably guess by now...
People who buy into Leviticus...
- Fred Phelps
- Shirly Phelps-Roper
- The other 99 retarded, inbred Phelp kids
- Mel Gibson
- All those dictators
- Jon and Kate Plus 8
- The cigarette smoking man
- Tom Cruise