Lewis Black

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Geisenheim Files
Lewis "Fuck!" Black
Black in cartoon form
Height: 3'3
Occupation: Professional Dipshit
Catchphrase: Fuck!
Geisenheim Factor: 88.9
Hitlerism Percentage: 98.00007
Favorite Dish: X with a side of speed, washed down with an ice cold Monster energy drink
Hobbies: Hyperactive outbursts, saying fuck, shaking violently, saying fuck more.

Lewis "Fuck me not!" Black (August 30, 1948 - April 1, 2009) was the -3rd Prime Minister of the United States of America. The length of his term is unknown. Citizens who were not rich enough to pay for awakeness during his administration were put into stasis, and those who were rich enough were exterminated once they had allowed Mr. Black's administration to lose to unofficial running mate and Vice President Tony Curtis.


Lewis Black giving one of his many inspirational speeches on the importance of annual Di-Tutetamine Brohohibe injections.
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Lewis Black.

Lewis Nigel Machadaynu Black was born in the Xen border world. At the youthful age of 74, Black fulfilled his minute-long desire for trans-dimensional travel by teleporting to Earth following the events of Half-Life. He became an American citizen and bought a small plot of land in Nebraska where he grew corn for two years. Then at the age of sixteen discovered that he was a distant cousin of Adolph Hitler. He later began meeting Hitler and began spew out his plans on how to exterminate dem' JOOS. Then later discovered that he was in fact a JOO, then assassinated Hitler, Hitler did not shooot himself like the canadian government would like you to believe.

Growing increasingly tired of the multi-billion dollar corn industry, he used his gained riches to finance his election campaign for presidency in 2024. Running against legendary football star Pam Bachelor, Lewis won by a landslide after it was determined that Americans had no interest in the potential that Pam's ethnicity could offer them as a sentient piece of broccoli.

A year after becoming president, Black decided that the taxpayers who could no longer afford to support the War on Milk were to be inoculated with a solution composed of rocket fuel and chloroform. This solution would be administered to the subject's anus, and would cause the subject to both fall asleep on account of the chloroform, and remain intellectually stimulated and productive on account of the rocket fuel, but would lack awareness. This solution was named Di-Tutetamine Brohohibe after Black's sister, Dianne Tutetamine Black, and his mother, Brohohibe Abatetron Black.

Political Influences[edit]

During his term as the -3rd Prime Minister of the United States of America, Lewis Black enacted several ground-breaking policies whose effects were felt throughout the world. Hailed as a visionary by those who were rich enough to be allowed consciousness, some of his proprietary political practices were purported as such:

  • No one was ever to take the name of Lewis Black in vain. Having been a corn farmer for upwards of two years, the indigestible vegetable held a place near and dear to his liver and colon.
  • Cattle caught consuming corn were to be forced to take place in a cornation ceremony to please the corn spirits and thus restore ability to the land to produce future generations of corn.
  • Any person who builds a Starbucks across from another Starbucks will be sent to a work camp.
  • The Awakened Ones, or those that could afford consciousness, were to wear their government-issued Cornecklaces at all times.
  • All Jews producing below the minimum government requirement of 2% corn emissions were to be immediately crushed into cubes and melted down to construct one of many of Black's commemorative statues, located throughout the country.
  • All paper-based forms of legal tender were to have their green ink replaced with yellow, and their pictures replaced with Black himself. All coins were to be replaced with identically-sized and valued coins emblazoned with images of corn in various seductive poses.

Black himself was less a Prime Minister and more a dictator during his term, often appointing his closest corn relatives to positions of high authority, thus ensuring that all aspects of the United States government would not allow the system of Checks and Balances to work as was designed by the country's founding fathers: Sir Isaac Newton, Sir Isaac Asimov, and Sir Isaac Hayes. Unfortunately Black's plan of extended control backfired, and some of his corn-appointed appointees did their jobs surprisingly well, including Chief Justice Ben Ear and Fire Marshall Dick Cheney. This lead to increasing conflict amongst the governmental branches, until Black's history-shaking asassination by an anonymous corn cannon during the War of 1812(Ancient historians believe that the jews somehowmisfired the cannon due to some jew kid's dradel catching on fire).


Lewis Black also had his share of inventions, most notably his TARDIS (Terrestrial Ambulance for the Regrettably Defective Innoculated Subjects) which would be used to transport citizens who had undesired reactions to the Di-Tutetamine Brohohibe injections back to Black's home world of Xen. The TARDIS also allegedly had the capability of time travel, although it's been disputed as the egg timer used to control it could only count down, and the time it took to "travel" depended on how long it took for the timer to stop.

Some other significant inventions of Black's are the Psilence, Psightless, and the less popular Psexchange in his series of Physicalsprays. Psexchange didn't catch on as one had to spray it in their desired areas, and one of the ingredients in Psexchange was liquid nitrogen. Male users risked castration if the spray didn't take effect as the organ would then shatter. Also, Psexchange was unable to correctly determine where the user was spraying, resulting in many reckless male teenagers replacing their noses with Penises.

Lastly, and most remarkably, Black invented Binary. Originally intended to categorize the Rich Awaken Citizens as 1's and the Poor Sleepers as 0's, binary was proven useful in the operation of modern computers. For his contributions to computer science, as computers relied on Trinary which was much less memory efficient at that time, Black was awarded the Pulitzer Prize.

The Daily Show[edit]

As president, Lewis Black created The Daily Channel -- a government sponsored network that aired The Daily Show, hosted by Secretary of Corn Affairs Jon Stewart. The show was broadcast 24/7, with Stewart hooked up to an intravenous unit that provided him with saline in order to stay alive without having to eat, sleep, or use a toilet. The show was used to fill Awaken American citizen's heads with propoganda, as well as being the first show to employ the use of sublimipsychoadvertisements -- a technique used to eliminate traditional television advertisements, yet keep the viewer aware of products in that a viewer might have a sudden urge to buy, for instance, toilet paper or British casserole.

Black died backstage one night when he accidentally put his keys in the microwave.

See also[edit]