Lidl

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Lidl
Formed 1939
HQ Somewhere in Germany
Chairman Uberschnitzel Herfingerbum
Turnover (2003) Only £0.39
Rotting Vegetables? Yes
Has leading market share? No
Miserable till workers? Yes
Basically Is The Company Shitter Than Tesco? Yes


A typical Lidl customer in a store car park

Lidl is a German grocery store known for low prices on imported shit from that Nazi country (Germany, I think).

History[edit]

As part of the Second World War effort, Hitler ordered that many Lidl stores to be opened in the country of Great Britain. This was to fool customers into believing they can get things really cheap. By doing so, the Nazis would control them and be able to form the framework for when Germany invaded Britain. However, that never happened so the stores remain today in their same form - in other words left to rot for years before Lidl (UK) took over and made them worse by offering tacky shoes made by a foetus in India and fire extinguishers.

Examples of products sold[edit]

Chavopoly, a game on offer at Lidl
  • Extremely thin condoms (made out of recycled yoghurt foil tops)
  • Low-strength lager 0.01% alcohol volume
  • White Lightening (that says it all really)
  • Nuts magazine
  • Own Brand Hair and Beauty products (because you're worthless)
  • Fishing DVD's
  • Railway DVD's
  • Gone-off sandwiches

Store Policy[edit]

As ordered by Hitler at the time of the company's creation:

  • 1 - There must only be one tillworker on at once to save on money for the Third Reich
  • 2 - All stores must look the same, if one brick's out of place the store must be demolished
  • 3 - All stores should be within 3 miles of a Tesco, even though people would still go to Tesco
  • 4 - Lidl must always have two aisles of clothing and crafts crap that no one buys
  • 5 - Staff must always be friendly (never happened since the existence of Lidl)
  • 6 - Firebombing of Aldi shall take place weekly
  • 7 - Stores should always have a car park the size of an international airport
  • 8 - Anyone carrying Aldi bags shall be banished from the store immediently
  • 9 - You shall always charge 3p for a carrier bag
  • 10 - All products shall have imitation packaging
Lidl stores look the same everywhere

The Lidl Vs. Aldi War[edit]

This was a firebombing campaign carried out by Lidl and Aldi on one another's stores. It failed miserably as all stores belonging to both companies were destroyed and everyone just shopped at Farmfoods instead.

An example of Lidl's price war