LITE rail

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LITE rail is a trendy form of public transportation which became popular in the mid to late 90s, around the time fad diets became popular. See, LITE rail is just like normal rail, only with half the calories. It is currently extremely popular in the United Spades, where lazy rednecks and Hollywood preppies can't handle regular rail. And because governments are too cheap to build regular rail (LITE rail is also half the cost).

A model of a LITE rail train


LITE rail was invented by Atkins, who wanted to see a reduction in carbohydrates and saturated fats on his trains which he took to work everyday. He said the weight of the trains were destroying the tracks and collapsing the bridges that took the tracks over the local streets. He wanted to invent something which could coexist peacefully with pedestrians and cars, so he invented LITE rail. It took half the calories of energy to run over regular rail.

Atkins himself oversaw the construction of the first LITE rail system in Ann Arbor, Michigan, during his studies at the University of Michigan. He discovered that Ann Arbor was a really, really hip town and he wanted to find a way for the students to travel to Detroit without having to drive, so they could go clubbing (and drink only wine of course; beer is too calorious (holy crap, did I just make up a word!?)). He didn't want to spend too much money or waste too many calories of energy, so he decided that he'd make a new railroad system that could use existing right of way and use smaller cars so as to not waste so much energy.

The LITE rail system, as this new system was called, was an instant hit with the students at night when they wanted to go clubbing, but during the day it was sadly filled with thugs, because rich White People didn't want to ride trains with Black People (who are a very nice lot if you ask me).

The LITE rail today[edit]

Today, millions of rail systems similar to the LITE rail have been built in various cities around the world. Many of them emulate (or try to immitate) the original LITE rail. The Green Line in Boston, Massachusetts is one of the most well known immitators. It was named for wimpy vegetarians, or just people who like to eat lots of salad (the track bed is made entirely of salad). LITE rail immitator systems have also been built all around the state of New Jersey in an effort for it to clean up its crappy energy wasting environment.

Other systems exist in Los Angeles (which is, of course, never used), St. Louis, and New Bjork City, where the frigid temperatures keep normal rail from being operated. And besides, the evil empress Bjork doesn't want loud noise outside her very fragile ice palace (and the LITE Rail is very quiet). But she hates driving. And she hates sharing the road. So she got her own private LITE rail car where her little elfin slaves drive it around.


“It's too fucking slow!!!!!”

~ Winston Churchill on the LITE rail

And ol' Winnie the Pooh is absolutely right. LITE rail systems are SO damn slow that they stop every five inches. You ever been on one? Riding your CAR is faster. And isn't the point of a railroad to be faster than a car? There is no way a LITE rail system will ever be established in the city of Jordanhill. It's in friggin' Skutland for cryin' out loud! And in Skutland they only eat heavy meals like haggis, and fad diets and LITE things are just unwelcome. So LITE rails can't be seen there, ever.

The slowness of the LITE rail was felt especially in the Miami, especially in South Beach. So a man living there who would only call himself "Engineer South Beach" developed a version of the LITE rail that could go fast.

Gas guzzling SUV drivers also expressed outrage that they have to share their roads with these longass cars here. They also complain about having to sit back at traffic lights so they don't get hit by one of those (slowass) trains. And besides, most soccer moms support obesity anyway, so why would they support an energy efficient LITE rail?