Light switch

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Ah ha!

Light switches, in contrast to dark switches, are white (or if your interior design is way out of date, beige, and if your blind, you don't really care.) controls. They are mounted in the centroid of most homes, as a method of command-and-control for the housewife to put on displays for the neighbours. These switches are the pinnacle of intelligent home design. Light switches are also useful for freaks who can't decide which light to use: the barren dull blue shade of the reading valance fluorescent, or the nauseating orange glow of the ambient dangling bulb.

Following normal municipal codes, they are installed all in one place (typically the closet, but in Eastern countries, the toilet) to enable convenient access. However, in older and poorly built homes, years of erosion of mice pushing them, or dying and falling inside the walls, scatter light switches throughout the giprock and plaster. For centuries, why light switches affected the brightness of nearby lamps remained a mystery. For instance, the ancient Secretions explained it in their mythology as a sort of action at a distance, inspired by their sun god, Dujab.

Postmodern scientists discovered the true explanation that slender tubes ("wires") organically form within the walls, from the heart of the light switch to a ligature on the monstrous creature hovering in the upper atmosphere, which uses its ray gun to ignite the candle or gas lamp. Unfortunately, some fundamentalist whackjobs have come to believe that wires were installed in every home by a race of intelligent beings known as builders or "handy-men." However, no empirical evidence has been collected as they never get around to showing up and fixing your lavatory, as the prophecy foretold.

Why Light Switches exist[edit]

It is generally accepted common knowledge that light switches exist so single parents' children will electrocute themselves if you don't buy a large, unwieldy switch panel from Home Hardware. These, in turn, exist because of the lucrative traffic in light switches. The reader is dumb if s/he can't see the logic.

The Law of the Big Switch[edit]

"Big switches turn on and off big things."

Dimmer switches[edit]

These switches are just dumber than most. Dimmer switches tend to do poorly on all the college entrance exams. Denied the position under the finger of the Dean, they are forced to find work in the nightmarish suburbia, getting flicked on and off by dirty fingers. Dimmer switches often make their assigned lights less bright than their counterparts, and as a result are generally chucked. Because of the grim conditions, these switches have higher unemployment and crime rates. Dimmer switches fizzling in alleyways are not an uncommon sight.

What to do when it's Stuck ON[edit]

Anyone finding a light switch stuck in the 'ON' position should not worry. Eventually the electricity bill will run out, and the switch will go bankrupt from the costs and be forced to switch off. If one is in a hurry, some oven grease will do. If no oven grease is available, it is recommended that homeowners use a fishbowl to short out the circuit, so that it will run short on juice faster.

How light switches can get you on a Roller Coaster[edit]

“The true American Dream is the eradication of track lighting.”

~ American Samoa on Light

It may not be apparent that light switches get you on a roller coaster any faster than, say, nail guns. However, if you switch off the light, and stare into the darkness long enough, a roller coaster will appear. Alternately, your significant other will get so disorientated that they'll have to drive you to a roller coaster, or alternately, coast you to a roller driver. It's all the same, really.

The Law of Switch Uncertainty[edit]

"An unmarked switch's state cannot be determined until you screw in a new bulb, or the cat dies."

The Great Morgoth passes judgement[edit]

Buh huh huh! These wall probosci, or 'switches,' as you call them, are no match for a properly installed X-Zeta starship command and vacuum cleaner console, puny, 21st century mortals! Yours for only five easy installments of $19.95 plus shipping and handling!

See Also[edit]