LIGHTSABER TRAINING FOR DUMMIES
Follow these simple instructions and you too can be a lightsaber combat expert.
- 1 STEP 1 : Invent A Lightsaber
- 2 STEP 2 : Dont Hurt Yourself
- 3 STEP 3 : Practice makes not good enough... TRY HARDER
- 4 STEP 4 : Combat Mantras
- 5 FINAL STEP : cheat
- 6 Fighting Styles
- 7 Style 1 : Up theirs
- 8 Style 2 : Bat #@$# Insane
- 9 Style 3 : Llama Throw
- 10 Style 4 : Flamin'stuff
- 11 Style 5 : Jack Bauer/Neo Combo
- 12 Style 6 : Deception
- 13 Style 7 : The Free Man
- 14 Style 8 : The Fagg
STEP 1 : Invent A Lightsaber
You cannot practice the esteemed arts of lightsaber combat without first HAVING a lightsaber. Here is a lightsaber recipe that has been handed down in my family for generations:
Mix 2 parts Nickel with 1 part Titanium, Stir until satisfied with consistency.
Next, add 500ml of high energy particles and knead thoroughly.
include a dash of force and a drop of food coloring, (the food coloring will give the blade color so make sure it is the shade you desire)
Pour the mixture into a lightsaber shaped baking pan. Cook for 45min at 78000 degrees celsius.
Allow time for the pan to cool before retrieving your fresh, homemade lightsaber.
Or just buy one from your local Wal-Mart.
STEP 2 : Dont Hurt Yourself
Try to avoid personal injury, (Awesome lightsaber skills are of no use if you're a torso)
Take precautionary measures to protect your hands, arms, legs and especially head. Common ways to create lightsaber-proof training armor include;
-strapping duct-tape around your appendages (ALL of them), ...shiny side out(this is crucial)
-covering yourself in grape jello.
-developing an advanced energy body shield.
All methods are equally effective.
Also, uh - remember to turn them off before sitting down.
STEP 3 : Practice makes not good enough... TRY HARDER
Devotion is of the utmost importance. Slacking off during training sessions or skipping them altogether will make you vulnerable to the attack of a more skilled and focused lightsaber combatant. Try to reward yourself for keeping up with your strict training schedule. Popular forms of reward vary from allowing yourself to sleep to stealing candy from babies. Find something that makes you happy and do it when you have completed your daily training session.
STEP 4 : Combat Mantras
You need to seem imposing and un-defeatable as a means of intimidation. Intimidating your enemy is a technique that interrupts your enemy's concetration, allowing you to take the victory. A cool phrase is the most powerful way to frighten your opponent.
Many Saber experts throughout history have used such phrases to scare their foes.
“If you strike me down you shall lose your No-claims Bonus”
“You underestimate my POWER”
“You're under arrest Chancellor”
In all cases the person who said the quote actually lost the battle, but thats beside the point. The point is, they looked really cool for the brief moment before they were slain.
But I'm sure things will work out better for you.
FINAL STEP : cheat
Cheating is the best weapon in the arsonal of a lightsaber master. Holding someone hostage and throwing sand in your enemy's eyes are among the most popular strategies of cheating.
Be creative, the more inventive your style of cheating the less it will be expected by your foolish, rule-abiding, opponent. Try kicking the nads, or wiggling your left hand tantalizingly while you actually intend to strike with the right.
The options are endless. Most importantly, try to have fun.
There is no greater satisfaction in this world than winning by unfair means.
These are the most popular and highly effective styles of lightsaber combat.
Style 1 : Up theirs
Highly effective versus anything that has used the restroom wthin the past hour, it allows you to stick your lightsaber right up their ass! Their molten guts will flow out after it is taken back, and will make them curl up and die. Notice, this may not work against weird animals who seem to be butt-less.
Style 2 : Bat #@$# Insane
An effective style against those who are easily intimidated, this technique requires you to drool approximately 0.3 ounces of foul-smelling and frothy saliva while whimpering plaintively. Once you have perfected these elements, you must proceed to wave your lightsaber around yourself in what many would call a suicidal fashion while screaming about living tampons at the top of your lungs. Notice, if not done right or if your opponent does not run away, this may result in unexpected amputations and/or death.
Style 3 : Llama Throw
A simple style that involves finding a llama and throwing it. Doing this will result in a Kuriboh giving your opponent a hairstyle like the one the main character has in Yu-Gi-Oh!, which will result in someone throwing a llama on top of your opponent and killign (no not killing! killign.) him/her/it.
Style 4 : Flamin'stuff
Lets you cut off your opponent's buttcheeks. Highly painful; also sears off your nose.
Style 5 : Jack Bauer/Neo Combo
The sheer awesomeness of this style cannot be described. The skills of Neo combined with the pwnage of Jack Buaer. Only a chosen few can use it. Anyone who is not able to use it but tries anyway will be pitied by Mr. T, then kneed in the groin by Solid Snake. Damn.
Style 6 : Deception
Right when the battle starts, offer your opponent a spot of tea. Talk to him a bit, make him feel comfortable. Then, right when his guard is down, ask him if he'd like some biscuits.
Style 7 : The Free Man
Using this style, the fighter can pick up a crowbar, and any part he is not holding will turn into a laser crowbar. Best used if you are a nerd or scientist. Getting hit with this style causes delusions of living in a dystopian future, or being a zombie.
Style 8 : The Fagg
This forbidden style involves swinging the lightsaber not in a berserk manner, but in a gay and almost homosexual manner. Usually this style involves the use of homosexuals, faggots, and possibly lolcats.com.