Lightsabre

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I see your Lightsabre is as big as MINE!!!.

“Even I have more tact than to write a story about two dudes 'fighting with their lightsabres'.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Literary Allegory

The lightsabre is the official weapon of the Jedi, the all-male heroes of George Lucas' epic sexilogy (like a trilogy but with six parts) Star Wars.

Role of the Lightsabre in Film[edit]

In his movies, Lucas builds upon Oscar Wilde's earlier homo-erotic works, using visual allegory where Wilde used textual allegory. Instead of literary references to things like "grasping the serpent with his bare hands" and "wrastling the bear to the ground" in the style of Wilde, Lucas visually shows us manly men engaged in titanic battles, penis upon penis.

In Lucas' works, the lightsabre becomes a massively engorged phallic object. While phallic representation is also used films like Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Dude, Where's my car, nowhere else do we see such over-exaggerated phallic representation. In fact, there is a great similarity in exaggerated physical properties between anime and Star Wars. The difference being that in Star Wars, it's all about the penis.

Lightsabre as Symbolism[edit]

A Jedi's lightsabre is the stunning visual representation of his sexuality and his struggle to retain his manhood while surrounded by other, more powerful men. It begins at puberty, where young Jedi are coached by older men in the creation of a lightsabre. Side by side the two work - young, impressionable pubescent male with older, athletic and handsome mentor. The older, more experienced man guides the mind and the hands of the young male, forming him into a young man worthy of being called "Jedi".

To be a Jedi, a young man must be able to create a lightsabre. While there are other tests he must pass, the most important is that he be able to produce a large, rigid pole from beneath his robes at any time. The symbolism of this is obvious - the entrance to manhood for any boy is that of erection. Freud agrees with this symbolism, saying,

“A cigar is just a cigar, but a massive phallic object produced from beneath your robes is obviously a penis.”

~ Sigmund Freud on Lightsabres

However, it is not enough just to produce an enormous representation of an erection from beneath your robes - to be a true Jedi, a young man must engage in erotic combat with an older man "to prove himself worthy". Here, Lucas departs from the style of Wilde, for Wilde never blatantly described hot, sweaty, man-on-man action. As a provocative modern filmmaker, Lucas leaps over this moral boundary and shows us, in great detail, the struggles of two men's penises.

Jedi as defined by Lightsabre[edit]

OMG! Your carnation lightsabre like totally clashes with my asparagus one!

A Jedi is defined by his lightsabre. In this, Lucas clearly casts the Jedi in the role of flamboyant gay conquistador, out to sexually conqueror as many other Jedi as possible. Indeed, a prime sport among Jedi is that of lightsabre battles. It is interesting to note that the aim of this event is to hit the opponent's lightsabre and not the opponent himself. Rather than simply piercing an opponent with a rapidly extending lightsabre, or cutting off his hand with a quick flick of the wrist, Lucas directs his Jedi to have elaborate, extended battles.

Indeed, we see them grasping their lightsabre with one or both hands, while striking it against the other Jedi's lightsabre. The two massive members clash and sparks fly - as the Jedi leap and tumble in an elaborate mating ritual, quite reminiscent of such dances found in the animal kingdom.

Likewise, we see that each Jedi has a beautifully colored member with which to impress other Jedi. Some are cool and blue, while others are hot and red. In this way, Jedi can tell each other's sexual style apart, and choose more interesting and unique partners. Note how in every fighting scene, the combatants have different colored lightsabres. Never do we see two red sabres fight - Jedi choose those who compliment their sexual style - red on blue, pink on green. And in these homo-erotic battles, they are shown much like prancing peacocks - brightly colored, visually stunning, and really, really, really gay.

Controversy[edit]

Barely Legal 5:Three on One

Like any modern, edgy filmmaker, Lucas has had his share of controversy surrounding his films. Perhaps the most vocal comes from the religious right, as one would expect. Rather than seeing his films as a struggle of good against evil, many religious leaders focus on the sexual representation which Lucas so lovingly captures in his films. In this, they are appalled that he would give such glorifying coverage of what is essentially a big homosexual orgy.

Yet more controversy stems from what appears to be glorification of pedophilia. Throughout his films, Lucas shows young men "tutored" by older men in "the force" and in "lightsabre battles". Many see this as a blatant representation of child sexual abuse, and there have been calls for boycotts of Lucas' films.

Final Thoughts[edit]

Ultimately, everyone interprets the visual representation of a lightsabre in their own way. Those predisposed to seeing giant penises see them as giant penises, and those who see them as cool futuristic weapons are most likely latent homosexuals.

Without a doubt, the lightsabre is the most homo-erotic representation ever seen in film. In no film do we see a representation of giant vaginas (although The Cave comes close) or of giant breasts. In this, Lucas has created the penultimate film of homo-erotic love. Not since Grecian times have we seen such a tasteful and loving depiction of man-on-man love. Except maybe in Brokeback Mountain.

See also[edit]