Lima, Peru

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Lima is the capital and largest city of Peru.

Lima was founded by the first colonial governor of Peru, Francisco Pizzaro. He was too lazy to climb the mountains to Macchu Picchu, so he governed Peru from the coast. Lima is a city of wonder, with polladas (crowded neighborhood parties), good, cheap cocaine, and labor strikes over anything. The mayor is Abimael Guzmán, a former peace-nik. Lima has a population of 8 million (30% of the population of Peru), but 98% are cholos.[1]

See below for some fun places to drink brindis and get Herpes.

The name[edit]

Residents will tell you that Lima is a mistaken pronunciation of the Rimac River, but in fact Lima is a reminder to put a slice of lime in your mixed drink. As opposed to an olive; because limes you can peel. You should not eat or drink anything that does not have a skin you can peel. You are safe drinking rum, straight up, with a slice of lime; or of course Inca Kola. Locals add tap-water ice cubes because they say, "Freezing kills the bacteria," which it doesn't.

Balconies[edit]

“Ciudad de balcones en un pais de culantro”

~ Unattributed[2]

The characteristic architecture of Lima is ornate, wooden balconies on the second story. In colonial Lima, members of the upper class added balconies to the traditional Spanish architecture to watch the civil unrest from a safe vantage point. They did not realize that the rioters had torches.

Modern Lima has legislated that balconies are part of the cultural patrimony. In a couple of cases, this law has resulted in restoration of balconies to their colonial glory. The rest of the time, it has led to the abandonment of the entire property.

During the first García presidency, a new architectural flair was the electrified barbed-wire fence.

Limeñitos sin roche[edit]

Members of Lima's upper class live in the most expensive areas of Lima, like Miraflores, San Isidro, Surco, La Molina, Chincha, San Borja and Chaclacayo, often next to a mountain with green pastures. In spite of this, they are kind to every poor person (as long as he returns home, somewhere else, at night). Sometimes they will adopt a poor person. They give him a telephone-booth-size house in which to pass the night, and a uniform with his name on the back, which always seems to be SERENAZGO.[3]

You can recognize a "limeñito" because they proudly sniff through a perfect nose, they have blonde, brown hair or white skin, and their favorite word is piolaaa (niiice). Only 0.000002% of Peruvians are limeñitos, a fact for which they are as grateful as everyone else is.

Limeñitos acquiring some unexpected cash will put a better lock on their homes rather than throw a block party. They may invest it in foreign bonds rather than the Tinka (national lottery). Continuing to put the basics above street cred, a Limeñito may acquire the ultimate epithet: vaisjuden (son of a Jew).

Limeñitos a vaca[edit]

(Limeñitos don't finish long words; they are rarely "on cow" but often "on vacation.") Most Limeñitos go to Eisha (Asia Beach), an hour South of the city, with the other piola people. There are small clubs nearby, like Potos, Playa Blanca, and Playa Bonita. Lately, Eisha is less ficho because cholos day-trip to the public beach, or rent a house and stuff it with as many people as can sleep on the floor. Ancon Beach, north of town, is more unspoiled.

Pueblos jovenes[edit]

Pueblos jovenes (Young towns) look like sand dunes on all sides of Lima. Buy four squatting mats and you have a house (unless you want a roof). And squatting is the name of the game. Building entire neighborhoods on someone else's sand dune, then agitating for the provision of municipal services, is a favorite sport around Lima. The Main Street often adopts the name painted on a nearby concrete wall: ORDEN A DISPARAR.[4]

Traffic often slows when livestock are being driven

Peruvian economist Hernando de Soto wrote that occupants remained poor partly because they had no title to their homes. Fujimori printed them titles. This not only legitimized their theft of land, it enabled them to borrow against the land and buy refrigerators and stuff, although there was still no way to keep it from getting stolen. You get a ride to the East side of the evitamiento and run across all 16 lanes to the furniture store on the West side. Returning carrying a chaise lounge is especially challenging.

Shopping centers[edit]

Several small shopping places look like warehouses on the outside, and act like flea markets or bazaars on the inside. Polvos Azules is full of pirated merchandise like movies, PlayStation games, and clothes. At Malvinas, the merchandise is simply stolen, such as watches, cellphones, and even bikes. Molicentro is noted for its broken escalators and its strange smell.

Limeñitos go to more conventional malls, such as Jockey Plaza, Molina Plaza (known just as Molina), Larcomar and el Óvalo Gutiérrez (El Óvalo). But cholos are right behind.

Cobradores[edit]

A passenger car gets in the way of a combi, but all is well; the passengers are safely strewn onto the asphalt and the combi is free of the annoying side door, which is left open during business hours anyway.

The touts who collect the fee for a ride in a combi (mini-van) are are polite, charming, and well-mannered. And they have their own cutesy dialect, typically yelled out the open side door of the combi while it is moving. You can learn it while you enjoy this unforgettable experience. Some examples: "¿habla, vas?"; "¡al fondo hay sitio!"; "pie derecho"; "apéguese"; "hay asiento, hay asiento"; "baja, baja"; "dale, dale"; "pisa pisaaa!"; "subeeee"; "ya, éntrate ya"; "chama chamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"; "avanza pa' tras"; "golpe avisa"; "retrocede pa' delante" and "pasajeee a la mano, pasajeee a la mano." If you try to pay with a US dollar, you may hear: "SE CONCIENTE PE VARÓN" or "el medio está luca, pe' choche."

Cobradores make money by filling the combi. They make more money by over-filling it and by getting you to leave early. They do not make money by telling you truthfully where the combi is going, by making it stop where you want to get off, nor by keeping it stopped until you are all the way off.

Nightlife[edit]

Lima is known to cover the entire spectrum on nightlife (from scary to damn good). The Taco Bell is closed, but many hot spots remain where you can drink chela with Racumín (rat poison) or get raped in the ass. There are several clubs/discotheques around the city:

Juanito[edit]

Juanito is named after its owner and founder, a moche pre-inca perhaps related to JuanDiego CalvoPerrez. It is a place where teens go to get fucked up and piss-drunk, and break bottles like little children until the gay bouncers kick them out. That is, if they aren't children to begin with: The drinking age is 18 in Lima, and those under-age are not supposed to enter Juanito, but a couple of Euros do the talking. Juanito is where everyone meets on Friday and Saturday during the Summer on Asia Beach, but on Saturday it is full of cholos. There is a lot of kissing and some sex, though some patrons are content to simply dance.

Nautica (Ex Noctambul)[edit]

This club's standards have dropped dramatically lately. Never go there unless you are running short on cash, or personal dignity.

Klubb[edit]

Klubb sometimes becomes crowded as hell and the wait is long, but it is worth it. You will surely contract Herpes because there is harto agarre and many Limeña sluts.

La Media Naranja[edit]

This little Brazilian spot is home of the brave and valiant. If you are Peruvian and have not gotten drunk in this place, then you are a fag. It is the best place to drink before going someplace and also get horneado smokin' pachamamas weed.

La calle de las pizzas[edit]

This street was filled with transsexuals 5 years ago but now after the clean-up, there are merely prostitutes. There are a lot of little bars and huecos (holes, as in in-the-wall) where people go and dance and make out. If someone dressed up nicely comes up to you and offers you some putas, don't worry, it's normal. Patty too, but she is free.

Aura and Gótica[edit]

Cool clubs where preppy limeños go and pay a lot of money to have fun. If you are a member of those two private clubs, consider yourself lucky, loaded, and desirable to women. Cholos and other "ew" people aren't allowed in. They consider themselves lucky just to get a glimpse of the place.

References[edit]

  1. The word means either "darkie" or just a poor person.
  2. You and your Dictionary will read: "City of balconies in a land of cilantro." A Peruvian will read: "City of tittie in a land of tushie."
  3. Night watchman.
  4. That is, you may set up camp near an Army base with posted ORDERS TO SHOOT.