Lincoln, England

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Lincoln is a city in the county of Lincolnshire, England. It has nothing to do with Abraham Lincoln at all but coincidentaly does have a rather odd beard. It was not, contrary to what some Americans believe, founded in 1922 as a dedication to the American President. In fact, it has precisely ---- ALL to do with America, Americans, the US, the United States, Nebraska, Oregon, Illinois, cars or statues. The city was around long before it was 'founded', but was known as "that place in the middle of the place" and is often still referred to as that today. This caused a massive influx of mythical creatures. The first new inhabitants were unicorns from nearby Nottingham, driven out of their homes by gun crime. Also a variety of Gypsies from Grantham took home within the city walls. Over time Lincoln became a mythical creature colony, attracting Leprechauns, Pixies and Imps. The census in 1971 recorded that there were 22,485 unicorns, 1,991 pixies, 2,028 imps 1,524 leprechauns and 34 Lincoln City F.C. fans in the city. Since 1971, there has been an increase in the Polish pixy population, most have come to work at Primark.

History[edit]

[For the sake of simplicity we will use the modern name of 'Lincoln' rather than 'that place in the middle of the place' as the settlement was known for most of it's history]

Lincoln is believed to have been founded in 43 BC by the Romans upon their invasion of Britain. They took the land from the indegenious Celts and stole their name for the settlement, Linton, and changed it to a more sexy sounding Latin name Lindensium Colonia, which means "Colon or city up your ass" in Romano-Celtic, as mentioned in The Smashing Pumpkins song "Tonight, Tonight". The original settlement of Lincoln is thought to have been on the site of the modern Lucy Tower Street Car Park, stretching all the way to the Odeon Cinema.

Lincoln grew over the years to become one of the most important cities in the whole of Roman Britain as it was home to one of the Roman legions. People would come from miles around to stand next to the Brayford Pool and gawp at the water, as well as the site where Lincoln Cathedral would be built some time during the Medevial Period. Lincoln became home to retired soldiers, which began a growing trend in Lincoln of it being inhabited solely by old people. Later the Romans realised how crap Lincoln was, and returned to Rome, building the whole of the A46 along the way so they could get to Bath as quickly as possible. This left the city to the mercy of the deadly Vikings.

The Vikings came to Lincoln around the 5th Century AD and generally raped and pillaged, which was good because it livened up the gene pool a bit. After several centuries of raping and pillaging, Lincoln was made a Danelaw. Quite what a Danelaw was hasn't been determined by historians, but it is thought to have something to do with incest. The Vikings eventually got bored of Lincoln in the same way the Romans did, and they too went back to where they came from.

During the Medevial period Lincoln grew in importance, and some Kings and Queens are thought to have passed through the city at some point. This has been represented on modern day Tritton Road with the construction of the Co-op Moorland Centre, McDonald's, Matalan and Sainsbury's. Lincoln was ranked one of the greatest cities in England at the time, ranking as high as other important cities such as London, York and Spilsby. It was at this time that important buildings such as Lincoln Castle and Lincoln Cathedral were built at this time by William the Conquerer and St. Hugh of Avalon respectively. These building were basically a big "Screw You!" to the peasants who lived in the surrounding villages and anymore invaders. These building would later serve as a reason for people to oppose the construction of tall buildings in the city.

Henry VIII is thought to have visited Lincoln once whilst hopelessly lost and was shocked to find the place still existed after the Dissolution of the Monasteries. He claimed to have been looking for Cardinal Thomas Wolsey, but really he was probably looking for a brothel. He stayed briefly to fuel his incest fetish, then left quickly, never to return. Wolsey was bishop for a while sometime around 1523 but he never actually set foot anywhere north of Ipswich. This was the time C&A was thought to be built.

After the Tudor period people stopped giving a toss about Lincoln. During the English Civil War the city was fought over but neither side actually wanted it. After that no bugger came and people started leaving as "new" cities such as Manchester prospered under the Industrial Revolution. Lincoln became even more inbred and even some of the cathedral fell down. Eventually once Lincoln's population had become utterly pathetic Joseph Ruston brought industry to the city when he invented the ultimate and insane killing machine, the tank which was heavily relied on during World War I.

During World War II Lincoln was not bombed much because Hitler took a liking to the city with it's xenophobic backwards ways. One guy fell out of a plane over the city and crashed into part of the Ruston Factory, now a Jackson's Building Centre and to this day his ghost haunts that building.

Present Day Lincoln[edit]

essentialy a gloryfied villige. At present, Lincoln's industry thrives on the annual Lincoln Christmas Market, the ever changing Ruston Bysurus/EGT/Alstom/Siemens factory, the new University (second worst in the UK, just behind the mighty mighty Luton) and tourism. Apparantely.

Speak to anyone in Lincoln today and you'll find that they're either in the RAF, or they have relatives that are in the RAF. In short, the RAF is repsonsible for shaking up the genepool in Lincoln in the 20th Century. Almost all men in Lincoln have some affiliation to the afformentioned factory with at least eight males in each extended family having worked there at some point during their lifetime.

Lincoln is everchanging and people come from all over Lincolnshire to Lincoln in order to feel remotely metropolitan or cosmopolitan. They often fail and end up hanging around outside the Waterside Centre (or "The Square" to the really hardcore) with the ever expanding Scene-kid over-population, or in St. Marks with the ever growing Chav population. This annoys people as they see these types of people standing around aimlessly as a menace to society. A similar attitude is taken to the student population which consists entierly of students who did so crap in their A-levels Lincoln was the only University who would take them, or they are local students who were afraid to go somewhere else in the world.

ginger people in Lincoln[edit]

Lincoln has a large number of ginger people so beware. The most famous of these is the great Rah, the cyber equivalent of Michael Hestletine.

Infamous people in Lincoln[edit]

Lincoln is also home to an ever infamous Bôb. Bob does not know mark but does Know paul.

The man in a fur coat[edit]

Walks around in a fur coat all year round.

Vital statistic

Height - 8 ft tall Hair - Greasy and grey Attire - sandals & socks, giant fur coat, white driving glove on his left, carries small stuffed penguin with him at all times.

Penny Lady[edit]

"Penny lady" is a slightly derranged older woman who goes around every phone box looking for coppers, and also picks them all off the floor. She has also been known to give advice to children at "The Square" (See below)

=== Dog-end Dorris ===

Picks up cigarette ends off the floor. There are also many chavs who do this, as they spent all their money on their 17 year old wives and their childrens food and cannot afford Tobacco.

=== Others ===

Bag-man (Gets stuff out of bins and puts it into bags in his basket on his girls-bike) Crazy woman - Often attends local gigs, dances like a weirdo on her own with her dog, then goes home (The shelter in Usher gallery) Many Hobo's Stoner - Sits on the floor dancing with large headphones, playing Airguitar.

Lincoln College[edit]

Lincoln college is a very sh*t college which claims to be one of the best, they don't, how ever, mention the large population of chavs and people who get drunk on their lunch breaks. There are not enough rooms for students, and no one does their work. Also most the tutors don't speak english.

There is also the ever-famous "Polish" shop just outside of it, on Monks road. (which, in itself is a very scary place, as it is populated by nothing but chavs, lowlives, polish people, drop outs and dirty skeffy moshers who have no lives.) Monks road also contains an old party house on 186 Monks road.

Lincoln "Firsts"[edit]

  • Lincoln was (and still is) the only city in the UK that has legalised prostitution.
  • Lincoln is the first city in the UK to have a majority unicorn population (runner's up are Birmingham, and Alaska)
  • Lincoln was the first city in the UK to implode (which it did successfully in 2001)
  • Lincoln is the first city IN THE WORLD to legalise murder, however its has the lowest murder rate in the UK because unicorns cannot hold guns in their hooves.
  • Lincoln was declared the first city in the UK where incestry is the prominent form of population growth
  • Lincoln was voted "Worst place to curse" in witch weekly, due to the fact that no curse could do no worse than the damage already done.
  • Lincoln was the first city in the world to legalise shooting inbreds as a sport.
  • Lincoln was the epicentre of the great earthshake of 2008, which was caused by Lincolns unicorn population rushing to the January sales in Primark.
  • Lincoln is the only place on earth you can fly to the moon from.(so Liz Smith says)

Districts of Lincoln[edit]

Lincoln is divided into many districts, due to the lack of integration between the different mythical creature groups. Pixy 'ghettos' are common in the poorer areas of the city, e.g. Ermine. Unicornsville, despite its name, has a predominantly leprechaun population. There are other common areas in Lincoln, such as:

City Centre[edit]

Primark is the main attraction in Lincoln City Centre. Many people come from far and wide to take advantage of the wide choice and cheap prices on offer. Other than Primark, Lincoln is home to 5 Mcdonalds, 2 burger kings, 2 KFCs and many other fast food outlets, minus Whimpy except for the one in the superbowl. This says a lot about Lincoln's population as a whole - that they are fat. Another attraction in the city centre is Waterside Shopping Centre - home to many designer outlets such as Poundland, Superpound, Discount Shoes, Primark (of course), Wilkinson and the Early Learning Centre - notably a popular destination for the majority of Lincoln's citizens as the most are stoned and something about pretty colours make them happy. also they have funny kid-shaped chairs.... oh wait... also electricians ar'nt very good in lincoln, this is proven as lincoln castle & cathedral's whole exterior lighting goes down with one cable pull. (no seriously, theres a house with a path upto the castles lighting, just tug any cable, the whole castles gone) of course other suffer, as gaziing out a window towards the castle and seeing nothing destroys what confidence said person has left in their life with only the fat b-tard across the road the only thing to look at. (eeeuuurgh *shudders*)

Brayford Wharf[edit]

Brayford Wharf was originally approved by the Lord Mayor of Lincoln in 1422 - a Mr Uni-orne. It was originally designed to be a drinking hole for the unicorns of the city, however it was polluted by the Siemens/Alstom factory in AD35. Now its main purpose is house Lincoln's vicious Swan population. Swans are responsible for over 25,000 killings a year in the city as well as the removal of C&A, which caused over 10,000 suicides. and the wharf also racked up anoher 20,000 deaths, those of the 'homeless' being drowned by youths.


Steep Hill[edit]

This is a hill that is very steep, even at the bottom of it there is a sign that says it is a steep hill, yet you still find floundering idiots trying to ride their bikes up it. There are 2 places you find these weezing buckets of sweat. The first is on a bench about a third of the way up. The next is about 4 foot further up the hill where they didn't take the bench break and now they are dead. Very small in comparsion to the swan death count, but this figure can reach the 10's at the height of the year

The hill also holds the annual "idiot in a wheelie bin race" where they try and tempt fate by letting gravity get its groove on and throw then down the hill in what is purely a recycled box most probably made from shit in one of the councils many cut backs on costs and money in general.

Ninja'ing is also a problem... the hill is a 'hot-spot' for this so-called Ninja'ing(See below) damn ninja's, keep trying to sneak peeks at old people and steal their window-pie. lincoln council has tried to get rid of the pests by hiring some pirates. to which the pirates realised they wer'nt real ninja's so they got loutish and drunk... then formed birchwood.

At the top is a rather large building which people pray to the chosen one, called the Cathedral. Although most of the time taken up *cough* by actors such as Tom Hanks filming films and of the like.

At the bottom of the hill is the university where Students mull about either drunk or bored hoping that something will happen. Occasionally you will find a student of two at the top of the hill, but this rarely happens.

Cultural Quarter[edit]

Lincoln has no culture. oh wait.... no.. i think theres an asian shop keeper in boultham ... nope, he's from birmingstan..

Historic Lincoln[edit]

The old part of Lincoln houses the castle (now Lincoln Dungeon) and the Cathedral. It is rumoured that the higher up you go, the further back in time you get.

A recent report from a local hipster claimed that his "iPod" seemed to expand into a "thing wiv a horn and box fing dat plays dese black CDs but dey are bigger dan normal CDs, init, and dey are old, rite" when he ventured up towards the Cathedral area, in an attempt to intimidate some old ladies by loitering. Scientists believe that he was referring to a Gramophone. Normal people, however, beg to differ as the only type of phone they know is the telephone.

Birchwood[edit]

One of the more down-market districts of Lincoln built on the former Skellingthorpe Airbase. Notable local landmarks include the Birchwood Centre and a mobile telegraph pole. Birchwood is commended by some for it's exquisite range of chavs. Although birchwood does have its fair-share of moshers, all of which do drugs and/or have frequent parties, therefor making them 'tight' with the chavs. Some claim that Birchwood is the Argos of Chavs. Was formed by drunken pirates... see anti-social behavior and speach & litracy skills loss.

St. Giles[edit]

Lincolns ghetto. come for the pussy, stay for the paralising clamidia

North Hykeham[edit]

Probably the most idiotic part of Lincoln, North Hykeham is made up of ASDA and two schools. The main reason for it's idiocy is that, well, it has two schools. Now this may not sound bad, but here's the kicker; they're both across the road from each other. How stupid can it get? The two schools at hand are North Kesteven School and Robert Patterson School. North Kesteven School is an arts school (although the furthest anyone there gets is the Terry O'Toole theatre, which is part of the school itself) and is inhabited by Chavs. Robert Patterson, on the other hand, was built to be a hospital in the war - but was never used, unsurprisingly. Like North Kesteven, Robert Patterson is also filled with Chavs, but the difference is that North Kesteven's Chavs get a better level of eduction... plus they get to go swimming in P.E. lessons, which is the only time they come in contact with water. Upon finishing schooling, the Chavs in North Hykeham naturally progress on to working at the Co-Op before tackling the big one; ASDA. They work here until they die. Imagine the Workhouse back in the early 20th century. ASDA is the modern variation for citizens of North Hykeham.


Waddington[edit]

Waddington is a large village on an even larger hill, it has good views of North Hykeham (even though there is nothing good to view there). It's claim to fame is it's RAF base which has some gliders with umbrellas attacked to their roofs. Waddingtoners claim these umbrellas can see weapons of mass destruction. Waddington has a fairly small concentration of chavs which only come out at night. Waddington has a Population of 600 and 1200 unicorns.

Lincoln Square[edit]

Full of people who like to be menaces to society.

Notable Citizens[edit]

'Ninja'ing'ers'
The average Ninja'er is a sensible human being that is fully aware that he is in fact not a ninja but spends some time every week practicing stealth skills. combining free running (not parkour as its shit and just to show off the fact that you can do a free-front-line-double-heel-kick-flip-jugular over a fence.) and wearing dark clothes to blend into the night. they practice this in order to escape hundreds or wandering chavs looking for "2's", "3's" even the odd "8's" (which are just filters). Ninja'ing can be practiced by all stereo-types... well, except Scene-kids, Emo's (although they wear black anyway, but they dont appear at night for some reason, same as..) Goths or anyone over 20. so really just Chavs & Moshers the use of a Chav perfoming Ninja'ing is unknown... although most of the time they do apear drunk and white stripes arnt very stealthy. theyre just a shit. a physical lump of shit. at Ninja'ing. try taking up ninja'ing tonight, its rather amusing watch a Chavette walk past you not knowing your a foot away. of course the side-effect of this type of practical Ninja'ing is the smell of lacoste will overwhelm you, causing you to pass out, blow your cover and wake up wet and HIV positive.

The P.G.M
The PGM, Est. 2005 are a 'gang' like a football hooligan gang, just with less football, or hooliganism... nor do the members fight in a big group for confidence. fortunatly PGM members (at least the male members, and some female members) have a minimum of average sized penis', therefor dont feel the need to compansate through pack-mentality violence. they got an award for the least gang'y gang in lincoln. and also do great offers on crashing cigarette's. you know where to find them... if your a somebody.

Jim Broadbent was born in Lincoln, and, in spite of that, he has managed to become an Oscar winning actor [though it should be noted that it was a lesser Oscar of Best Supporting Oscar as opposed to the fully fledged Best Actor one]. He was formally trained at the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Arts in 1972 [not the Terry O'Toole theatre in North Hykeham] and currently spends most of his time outside of Lincoln. Go figure.

The Rah
A ginger beast who roams the streets seeking Ostritch burgers. If he don't get his burgers then he gets angry, and when The Rah gets angry, people run. (See Ginger People Section)