Lion Food

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“How much does the average Lion Food customer weigh?”

~ A whopping 550 pounds[1]

“If you are a vegetarian, this is the place to shop”

The scary part of driving up to Lion Food
The inside of a Lion Food store

Lion Food is a supermarket designed to feed hungry Americans. The store undercharges for all its products, designed to get people to eat more and become fat.

There are two groups who shop at Lion Food. The more obvious one are hungry lions. They are the first ones the chain marketed to. The other are the millionaires who have immigrated to Rwanda, Sudan, and all the other nations of central Africa from the United States. They felt they were too poor in the U.S., unable to afford a life of owning television sets, refrigerators, and bathtubs, and in these African countries, they were able to buy these things for fractions of a penny and still have money left over to pay the electric bills for the remainder of Africa.

Best store for vegetarians[edit]

Lion Food has been ranked as the #1 supermarket chain for vegetarians to shop. The reason for this is their great deals on snacks such as chips, pretzels, and other similar snacks, and on sweets, such as Hersheys candy bars and other similar sugary compounds. These are the foods most commonly consumed by vegetarians, who have nothing else to eat at the hot dog stands.

Lion food sells a lot of products containing High fructose corn syrup. These are very appealing to vegetarians, given they are plant-derived, and quite filling.

Lion Food's best[edit]

Some of Lion Food's specials include:

Lion Food's worst[edit]

One thing you do not want to get from Lion Food is the meat. The meat sold at Lion Food comes slaughtered lions that which has been rejected from the more upscale supermarkets. Following discoloration, it has been painted with the blood of the below-minimum wage workers from third world countries who have been kidnapped to the United States. These workers are fed to the lions that can produce more meat, and whatever blood remains becomes coloring for the meat, making it look good to customers.