List of melee weapons that don't exist, but should

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From LOWTDEBS.


Contents

Swords[edit]

Swordchucks[edit]

Swordchucks, yo!

The evolution of weaponry generally follows a simple and predictable path, which we can trace back to the beginning of time. The most basic of weapons is undoubtedly the club, which uses its mass to damage an enemy. The club is followed by the club with a nail in it, which adds the element of pointy to the mass damage system. One more step up from that is the sword, which has elements of both pointy and sharp. Now if we look closely at the nunchaku, we see that it is essentially two clubs chained together, providing . At this point, we can use our historical knowledge of weaponry evolution, to skip the nail-pounding, and proceed directly to the sword-form of the nunchaku, whose damage can be derived from the following: .

Just be sure to practice with ordinary nunchucks before even picking up swordchucks, or you risk neatly slicing off your own cock (whoever put "expletive" there will be tortured). Many beta testers died to bring you this information. Use it well.

Note: Swordchucks exist but have been outlawed by most governments, including Canada, the Superfriends AND the Justice League, the Superbestfriends, and Bob Dole.

Dual lightsaber chainsaw gunbladechucks[edit]

The pistol-grip frames, saw chains and the chains connecting the weapons in pairs are made of a molecular alloy of titanium, carbon, hydrogen, and duct tape. "Unbreakable" is the middle name of its third cousin.

The four engines are quantum-based, generating their own fuel and only barely existing in this universe. They can be adjusted for time travel.

The onboard computers - which exist just as a side effect of the quantum engines - can handle any targeting and other tasks imaginable through a wireless neural interface.

The saw chains' rotation creates a harmonic resonance that cracks anything that even gets close.

The teeth of the saws consist of several hundred tiny lightsabers that cut through everything else, and generate gravitational fields that make the guns recoilless and give the nunchaku-based spinning motion incredible speed and stability without effort.

The tiny railguns at the base of the blades have a firing rate of IMPOSSIBLE, range of HUMONGOUS, muzzle velocity of YOUR MOM, and a stopping power of five gazillion CnRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick <The Big Bang is equal to 1 CnRhK>). (Actual numbers gathered from test data.)

The bullets are made from an unstable plutonium-titanium alloy, created in a separate pocket universe at the moment the trigger is pushed. They have hollow cores filled with cyanide and an anti-matter acid, and they're coated with Febreeze. Their destructive force can't even be expressed in any known language other than that of the elusive Giant Boing Gloing.

Nuclear Missile Filled with Swords[edit]

The real WMD's. This is what Bush was talking about.

Nuclear missiles are really dangerous. And swords are really cool. COMBINE THEM, DUMBASS!!! Nuclear missiles shoot debris for miles, but it's all like paper and bricks and crap. Imagine your enemy has dropped a nuclear missile on you, and you are one of the few lucky ones. You got just out of range before it hits the ground. You get out to see the destruction and KER-SPLUTCH! 50 swords fly at your face!

Oh dear, you have died, albeit not from dysentry.

If there is anything cooler than dying from dysentry, it is clearly from being subjected to upwards of 30 swords being shot at one's face.

Cruise Missile Sword[edit]

A swordtipped cruise missile, intended for ranged swordfights(Range ~300 miles). Actual development was attempted but cancelled in the planning stages in favour of the more promising cruise missile mace. There are also rumors that Tom Cruise (who is not gay) has launched a lawsuit over naming rights.

Double-sided Sword[edit]

This is a real weapon used by ninjas and stuff, so it shouldn't be here. But it needs to be here for the next joke to make any sense.

Triple-sided Sword[edit]

Pointy3. Sharp-3. (Awesomeness x 3).

This would actually be a good sword, being useful as well as badass. It would have three sword blades protruding to form the corners of an invisible triangle, and a circle around the hilt. You could...I don't know, spin it around really fast or something. What the hell would you do if you had a 3-bladed sword?

Quadruple-sided sword[edit]

Pointy4. Sharp-4. (Awesomeness x 4).

Heavier than the 3-sided sword, more geometrically square, and pointier. Same thing.


Quintuple-sided Sword[edit]

Pointy5. Sharp-5. (Awesomeness x 5).

Heavier than the 3-or 4-sided swords, and it looks like a shiny star. Pointy.


Six-Sided Sword[edit]

Pointy6. Sharp-6. (Awesomeness x 6). It kinda looks like an...erm, never mind.

It looks like the E-trade symbol. And an asterisk*. And a Star of David, or the Five Fingered Hand of Eris, but I'll just avoid religion. Neeever talk about religion. Ever.

* something you use to make annoying/pointless footnotes.

And so on and so on...[edit]

They get heavy and pointy. And So On.


TooMany-sided Sword[edit]

PointyWTF? SharpWTF? (Awesomeness x WTF)?

This sword has waaaaaay too many blades. They also make it really not that sharp, as there are so many points that it is pretty much distributed evenly among three or four points rather than one point, whereas a stab with one point would actually pierce something. Which makes it pointless. But it sounds cool, especially with that special thingy they use in those freaky things like DuPont and McDonalds, two capitals in one name.

DecaDecaDecaDecaDecaDecaDecaDecaDecaDeca-sided Sword[edit]

This sword is so populated with swords that it is impossible to lift or hold. It is simply a giant ball of steel. It is completely pointless, yet paradoxically very sharp. Used heavily, yet unsuccessfully, in the Giant Lobster Revolution.


Circular Sword[edit]

Sharp yet unpointy.

A sword you can't hold or touch because every single inch on it is sharp. You have to trick your enemy into touching it and where ever he touches it he will immediately be sliced open. You can trick your enemy into touching it using a complex series of questions involving donuts and their similarites towards the Circular Sword. However, if you plan to sharpen it, you would be better off getting your mailman to hold it for you :).

Infinite-Sided Sword[edit]

Same as above, but infinite.

It is made by getting Sword with a Sword in it to Infinity and putting a brick on the top point, which is impossible given that a Sword with a Sword in it to Infinity would theoretically reach to an infinite height. But so is all of this. So stop whining. Anyway, the brick will cause the unstable sword to collapse into istelf, causing a giant lump of swords. It will create a black hole, leading to a singularity, where anything is possible.

The End...

Actually, an infinite-sided sword is just an iron pipe. Never underestimate the iron pipe.

Wieldable circular sword[edit]

It's like the circular sword but it can actually be used. It has a handle in the middle with a button to make it spin so it can slice things like a razor. Kind of like that weapon Xena throws around, but infinitely cooler.

Sword with a Sword in it[edit]

Lord Eliwood of Pherae has the cutting edge in swordy-tech.

Well, the sword is the best weapon ever! What other weapon could possibly improve upon a sword? Just think about it for a minute. Another sword would be the only conceivable improvement, obviously, given

∀ w ∈ W such that w != sword, awesomeness(sword) > awesomeness(w)

'Nuff Said.


Sword with a Sword in it with a Sword in it[edit]

It is already established that the sword is the most awesome weapon ever devised. It is also established as fact that the another sword lodged inside a regular sword would be the only conceivable improvement on a sword. Thus, following logic, we have the conclusion that a sword's awesomeness could only evar be improved upon by continual addition of swords (or sides).


Sword with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it[edit]

or Sword with a Sword in it5


Lord Eliwood of Pherae still has the cutting edge in swordy-tech. Pointier than ever.

This one is really already explained in the above statement, just more awesome. Also, this one is not as well made as usual. The methods for securing the swords together vary. The cheap alternative is just to tie them together but everyone knows that that's stupid, and looks really stupid. So does going into battle with some absurd amalgamy of five swords stuck together.

Now go huff kittens or something.
...

Sword with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it with a Sword in it[edit]

or Sword with a Sword in it13

Lord Eliwood of Pherae frickin' always has the cutting edge in swordy-tech.

Quite possibly the most awesome weapon ever known to man. Only used one time in all of history, and that's by Lord Eliwood of Pherae against the Lunch Moms in the Great A-la-Carte Line Revolution of '74.

  • Drawbacks include the hundreds of hours required to sharpen all swords to a razor's edge.
Chemical composition:
100% Awesomide Chlorate  50% Sharpite     20% Pointium        10% Udder Kaos
  5% Boredom              2% Urmomium    2.5% AAAAAAAAA!     0.5% Spandex

Sword2[edit]

The Sword2 is a sword squared. It is a very awesome, yet odd-looking, weapon that is really rather sweet to behold. It was invented by Flameviper when studying perfect square trinomials for Algebra. It follows the algebraic equation as follows, with the following substitutions:


is substituted for Sword, is substituted for Pointy, is substituted for Sharp, and is substituted for Awesome.


Lord Eliwood of Pherae opens up a Can of Pwnage(tm).

Thus, for simplification, we can substitute for .




(in descending order of polynomial terms, no less!)


This, , converted to words, is , which beats the living crap out of . There, now you have it! Muhahaha...


SaberSword[edit]

Harry Potter shows off a prototype SaberSword. Ron's 'tarding out!

An obvious extention of the awesomeness of the sword and the similar awesomeness of the lightsaber. The combination of these two weapons is simple. Advancements in 'saber technology allows for the beam emission hardware to be contained within the hilt of a sword. An igniter on the hilt allows the wielder to instantly encase the blade of the weapon in energy in the heat of combat, thus combining both ultimate forms of ass-kickery from both primitive and futuristic weaponry in one impressive tool, serving as a totally awesome special effect and doing a fine job of detracting attention from the terrible acting of Hayden Christensen.

The effects of this weapon vary. When in "Lightsaber Mode", one has the ability to cleanly cut through nearly any material with reletive ease. However, the sword's blade is only so sharp, and can be combined with the activation of the 'saber blade to produce some interesting results. Caution must be taken when duelling with another lightsaber or Saber-Sword user, such that one does not convert back to "Sword Mode" while the opponent is using a lightsaber, else the blade will simply be cut off. On the other side of this, however, one can severely startle their opponent and break a drawn-out stalemate. Picture it: you're in a fair swordfight that you're falling to the losing end of, when before your opponent knows it you hit a button and SIZZLE, their weapon lies in pieces on the floor along with their severed hand.

Also available in two single-handed and dual-ended formats.

The Lightspork[edit]

May the Spork be with you. Always.

It's like a lightsaber, but with a spork. Thus, it is much deadlier. And can cut and cook food with its heat. Thus, it has 5 uses. Fork, spoon, deadly weapon, food-cutter, and also stove. Not many things you have can do that, eh?

NOTE: Please take care not to extend the blade while the sporksaber is in your mouth. Nobody wants to be the one who has to clean that up.

The Quadspork[edit]

The deadly quadspork

Besides being a killer weapon for assassins (and psychotic chefs), you can also eat food four times as fast! (But beware of cut lips, skull injuries, and choking big time. Be sure to have a surgeon ready.)

Nuke Sword[edit]

Known by many to be wielded by Czars across the world. The nuke sword is a formidable weapon. Even though many czars have the weapon, only one has ever dared used it, to smite Japan. Sure the "Historians" might tell you that it was America using the so-called "Atomic Bomb", but tell me, what proof is there that this weapon even exists? It had to be a Czar with a Nuke Sword.

Double Gun Sword[edit]

Dude, its like, a gun taped to a sword with a gun on top. How fucking awesome is that? If you get into a sword fight, pop that thing out and slash away. And if you get into a gun fight, just pull the trigger. Its that simple. The type of sword used is optional, just as the gun is. Automatic guns are useful for spray-and-pray, while single shot guns are useful for being accurate (but who really cares about accuracy when you can have the coolest weapon ever invented). The only drawback with automatic weapons attached to the double gun sword is its weight. More guns and swords can be added as seen fit (chainsaws would also be a good addition).

Laser-Guided Double Gun Sword With a Ninja on Top[edit]

Like the previous weapon, only with a ninja on it. Oh yeah, and its laser-guided for added awesomeness (could it get any cooler?)

Penny Farthing Of Death[edit]

Penny Farthing Of Death . Exercise care when boarding.
A brick (B) may be attached to the lance (A) for added kickassivenessage.

Not a sword, but certainly sword-based, and far, far more betterer even than the ill-fated "Unicycle Of Certain Discomfort", this baby features wheels made from circular swords, spokes made from swords, and a dirty great lance for when you've just got to charge! Plus optional brick for end of lance.

Book Of Swords[edit]

Sample picture from book

A normal book but with hundreds of swords stored inside. The book when thrown at someone would be guaranteed to give multiple paper cuts and/or instant decapitation. To fit every sword ever made inside, the book would be a billion stories high and weigh ten trillion pounds. Smaller books could be made for single army use and only contain 5% of all swords ever made. A one-page version would be ideal for individual use being light enough to fit in a backpack and small enough to take as carry on luggage on a plane. Some swords are too dangerous for daily use and would be removed upon request.
These include
12. Nuke sword.
22. Pen sword (creates the mightier then self paradox).
30. Nuclear Missile Filled with Swords.
64. Gunblade shooting Nuclear Missile Filled with Swords.
130. Nuke Katana.
143. Hydrogen Sword.
150. Sword with doomsday device as handle.
190. Concrete Donkey Sword.
240. Gunblade shooting Nuclear Missile Filled with ninjas using Gunblades shooting Nuclear Missile Filled with Swords.
279-19321. These all involve swords made of books of swords and/or cheese.
56748-87334. These are all swords made primarily of pie.
68933. Earth Sword (Sword with the Earth as the point).
99997. Sword eating sword.

Infinitely Sharp Sword[edit]

A sword sharpened by someone for many years. This sword is so sharp that it cuts the air around it. Just put an oxygen tank on and enter a small building and suffocate your enemies. If it wasn't for the hilt, when you dropped this sword it would cut clean through the earth and come out the other side, where gravity would reverse and it would fall back and stab you in the unmentionables. This sword is not to be mistaken with the "More Infinitely sharpened sword" which cuts atoms. You know what happens when you split an atom right?It is also not to be confused with the "Infantly Sharpened Sword" which was indeed made by babies.

Nunchucks[edit]

Nunchuck gun[edit]

“How many guns can a nunchuck chuck, if a nunchuck could chuck guns?”

So what is a nunchuck gun? To be honest, I have no idea. But I have a theory.....

A nunchuck is commonly two sticks, connected by chain. By gripping one stick, and swinging, you can whack someone several inches further away than normal.

By applying a gun to one of the sticks (thanks to some duct tape, or at the very least a duck), you have 2 options for combat- you can hold the gun, allowing you to whack someone and then shoot them, or you can hold the other stick, and whack someone with the gun, causing more damage. (NOTE- the second way can cause the weapon to discharge. However, this is rarely dangerous, since you should be expecting the gun to fire, while actually being hit by the bullet is insignificant. See guns for more details)

Tests with other varients of the nunchuck gun, including the nunchuck rifle, nunchuck minigun, nunchuck bazooka and nunchuck WMD, have been less than perfect, although the nunchuck howitzer is popular in Norway.

Scientists in the field are currently in the development stages of creating a more powerful gun shooting Swordchucks that one scientist stated would "blow the bitch-ass off" the nunchuck gun. The scientist then asked why he is forced to work in a field.

Gunchucks[edit]

This is a dangerous weapon, a hybrid of normal guns and nunchucks. To elaborate, it is two guns held together by chain or, in the case of very large guns, jumprope. Gunchucks are considered much more deadly than normal nunchucks, as being shot is the leading cause of death among people with organs.

Many variants on gunchucks are known to exist, each one using a different kind of gun. The most popular variants are gunbladechucks, shotgunchucks, and flamethrowerchucks.


Photo Gallery[edit]

Nun-chucks with actual nuns - At least they named this one right.
Chuckchuks - Double-chuckin' action with Chuck Norris chuks. Deadly as hell.
Jesus-chucks - Two jesii for ultimate pain. Ouch.


Other Weapons[edit]

Wristwatch Switchblade[edit]

Not to be confused with the wristwatch, the switchblade version is powerfull, sharp, and cool looking. Face it, if it were real, it would totally pwn you n00b. It's a very stealthy weapon. The blade shoots out of the watch when you set the time to 12:00 p.m. It can be set to come out the left, right, front, back, top, and very very rarely, the bottom of the watch. Upon coming out of the bottom it stabs right through the wearers wrist. When it comes out any other way, it can be used in combat. To put it away, simply set it for a different time. *In no way is this related to the iPod switchblade, because i don't want Steve Ballmer to fucking kill(TM) me*

Bracer graters[edit]

Would you like some freshly grated pain with that?

Your traditional bracers comprise a single strap of leather - or, if you're really lucky, a bit of tin. Well, why not increase the offensive power of your wrists with the sizzling sting of the cheese grater? Simply select the size and shape of your grating holes according to the skin type of your opponent (be he Chinese, Nepalese, Turkish or crocodile) and jump right in. Impenetratable to all other weapons (except knitting needles and BBs).

Double-sided folding chair[edit]

GIT 'IM WIT THE CHAIR!

This is the weapon Darth Maul would use if he was a professional wrestler. Oh sure, you just laid the smackdown on your opponent, but you know his grappler buddies are right behind you, fixing to hit their finishers on you while the ref ain't looking. What do you do? You get a double-sided folding chair (which can be made by taping two folding chairs together) and hit both guys so hard that they forget it's fake. In the picture on the right is Darth Maul fixing to get Rene Dupree back after the French retard knocked him out of the Royal Rumble with a cheep shot. Based on Darth's facial expression, the result was less then pretty. However, the crowd loved it, and it caused HUGE amounts of PAIN!

It's entirely possible this shouldn't be on the list any more. Steve Ballmer may have made use of such a weapon in the opening shots of the GoogleSoft War.

Feather of Death[edit]

FeatherofDeath.jpg

Quite simply, it's a feather. Nobody ever expects a feather to kill them, unless they are a Goomba and Mario is in the vicinity.

There is some debate as to whether or not the feather of death actually exists, as there are various references to it in Renaissance era literature, and it even appears in a notable painting by Albrecht Dürer. Most statisticians agree, however, that things in paintings are only 12% more likely to exist than things that aren't in paintings, and things in Renaissance era literature are actually 26% less likely to exist, thus the Feather retains its place on this list.

The theoretical functionality of the Feather of Death is also hotly debated, some claiming that the suffix "of Death" alone would be sufficient to make the feather deadly, while others argue that the feather gets its potency from harmful substances such as mercury which would be renewed each time before the application of the feather to the victim.

Theories about how the Feathers of death were actually used are clearly bunk. One stipulates that it was typically dropped in mid air with hope that the wind will carry it towards the enemy. Others strongly disagree with this and maintain that it was used to stuff pillows of death. Use of normal feathers were numerous in torture, and the feather of death may have been used to strike the final blow to the prisoner by tickling his bladder.

Lance with a brick on the end[edit]

The brick guarantees you will win each time. Until the other guy gets one.

The lance was designed to kill by poking, but this rarely happened even at the peak of lance usage. Lances don't penetrate armor very well, so what's the point of jousting with one? Instead, put a brick on the end, and have your horse charge. (Note: if you do not have a horse, then hold this weapon up and wait for an idiot with a horse to charge into it.) The impact will devastate.

Upgrading a lance may, however, result in the opponent noticing it and doing the same at the next joust. That's why it is crucial to kill him, or to upgrade one step further than the rival. Here is the list of lance upgrades in efficiency order

  1. bare lance
  2. lance with brick on the end (Adds reach, crushes enemy knight)
  3. lance with two bricks on the end (Crushes brick, enemy knight)
  4. lance with bluefin tuna on the end (Oil separates bricks, causes enemy knight to fall off due to excess lubrication)
  5. lance with cat tied on the end (Cat pounces on tuna, helmet of enemy knight)
  6. lance with bulldog tied on the end (Bulldog eats cat, enemy knight)
  7. lance with bear tied on the end (Bear kills bulldog, then eats enemy knight)
  8. lance with bear tied to another bear tied to the lance(Bears team up on enemy bear, then enemy knight)
  9. lance with a lance tied to it (lances extended reach stabs through both bears and enemy knight)
  10. lance with turtle tied to the end (turtle's round shell deflects pointed lance, lance stabbes into enemy knight)
  11. lance with aligator tied to the end (gator eats turtle, broken shell shards impale enemy knight)
  12. bare lance (Point-ed end easily kills the aligator, stench induces enemy vomiting)

But here's where it gets tricky. A lance with two bricks on the end can easily take a lance with a bulldog on the end, for instance.

Razor-tipped gloves[edit]

Especially useful against hemophiliacs

Sharp Fingers McGee's weapon of choice, razor tipped gloves simplify the whole "prod someone and they die" to "touch someone and they die". And that's not even taking into consideration how badass these things are. Just claw someone and they're in severe pain, and yet they have a smooth clean face no woman can resist. How badass is that? They're so badass, they make Freddy Krueger look like a giant pussy by comparison. On the contrary, the hazards of scratching one's bottom with this would not to be underestimated.

Preferred weapon of people that are "scene"

Self-adhesive, chloroform-filled plastic bag[edit]

Snatch was an awesome movie. One of the coolest things about it was Brick Top's preferred method of killin' people: "Taser, plastic bag, roll of duct tape." Although this method of murder is extremely cold-blooded and kick-ass, it requires carrying a lot of equipment around. Tasers are heavy and expensive, and duct tape is bulky. Plus, if you're caught with all three in your possession at once, people will get suspicious. And tasers tend to set off metal detectors, so they're hard to get into high-security areas (unless they're disguised as cell phones or something).

A self-adhesive, chloroform-filled plastic bag would solve these problems while retaining the awesomeness factor. Instead of zapping your target with the taser, then putting the plastic bag over their head, then duct-taping an airtight seal around their neck, the whole operation is reduced to one step: pull the bag over your victim's head (preferably from behind to minimize initial resistance). The chloroform will kick in, knocking your mark out, and the edge of the bag will stick to the victim's neck, forming that all-important airtight seal to suffocate the victim to death. Fingerprint-resistant plastic bag available, for an extra charge.

Nerf-stick of Oblivion[edit]

Created in an attempt to tame the awesomeness of Oscar Wilde the Nerf-stick transforms anything it hits into its harmless nerf equivalent. The attempt was unsuccessful however as it was discovered that the nerf equivelant of Wilde was just as awesome as Wilde himself, due to the principle of Conservation of Awesome

The nerf-stick is currently in the possession of the criminal mastermind IceFrog

Toxic boxing gloves[edit]

Don't even go there.

Don't ask. Some things are better left that way. In fact, most of the weapons shown on this page should be left alone. Really. I mean it. Don't go saying I didn't warn you, because I did. Good luck typing with these things on.

Napalm-filled balloon on a stick[edit]

This is a very easy way to surprise people. All you have to do is swing the stick at them (or throw the balloon if you can't break the balloon with melee attacks, pansy) and watch as they catch fire! Note that there may be some drawbacks in that you may catch fire yourself. This can be averted as mentioned before by throwing the balloon. However, there's better ways of doing that (see Acid Balloon)

Slaxe[edit]

Like a Swiss Army Knife, only ouchier.

If you really need to ask why this is so awesome, you need professional help.

The Slaxe is just pure awesomeness and that's all there is to it. It's a sword, lance, and axe all in one. You can block, blunt-smash, chop, hack, lunge, nudge, rake, slash, smack, smash, spear, stab, thrash and throw anything with it. Actually, the only thing you can't do with it is cook hot dogs over an open fire No, I just tried it. You can. -- Flameviper12 And they cook faster and taste better this way too. Yes cook all your foods with the utterly 9wn4ge slaxe, cuisine cooker from heaven, and the best friggin weapon too!

Slaxechucks[edit]

The sheer coolness of this weapon prevents it from ever being made. Several have tried, and their heads have all a sploded out of sheer amazement during the prototype stage. The only prototype still in existence belongs to Chuck Norris, and not even he is awesome enough to use them without thick leather gloves.

Instruments of War[edit]

A combination of a weapon and a musical instrument designed for maximum rockin' and asskickin'. Most famous for their use in ELotH:TES as tools of the Warrior Bards. Strong Bad's KeySwordTar is sometimes believed to be one, but its hybrid instrument nature disqualifies it.