Little Adolf's School Report
|Archduke Phillip Technical School|
Final Report July 5th, 1905
Adolf excels in creative writing. He has invented his own little world in which he has cast himself as the blond Adonis and peopled it with willing slaves and adoring fans. His imagination seems to have no bounds. In essay after essay, he has plotted a fictional future for himself where he rises to the very top of society through the sheer power of his own personality. This would seem almost laughable, were the imagery within it not so powerful or so frighteningly violent.
Adolf has great potential as a writer and could, I think, make a living from his talents in this field. If I were to make one suggestion, however, it is that he should abandon his ambition to write romantic novels for ladies. Instead, I believe he should consider writing Western novels, where it will be more acceptable for Aryan heroes to mercilessly slaughter lesser races.
Adolf is a confident and eloquent public speaker who can hold his audience in his spell almost magically. His technique, however, leaves much to be desired. Really, Adolf, there is no need to shout!
J.C.F. von Schiller
Adi has a fair grasp of the main events in European history and has retained the dates of almost every major battle, the names of the commanders, even the estimated numbers of casualties. In another boy this would be a remarkable achievement but Adolf seems unable to move beyond these mere facts. History is not just dates and numbers; History is about people, their lives and deaths and the motives behind their actions. But Adolf seems to have no interest in examining the causes of conflicts.
Doktor E. Hobsbawm
|Art||E||Adolf considers himself to be a fine artist and as such has the confidence to express himself on canvas without fear. He is more proficient with watercolours than oils but shows an unusually mature brush technique with both. Sadly, his admirable self-confidence is let down by his choice of subject matter. Frankly, I tire of seeing fairy princesses floating through castles in the clouds.
Adolf must realise that, if he is to progress in art he must first work hard to improve his technique and, secondly, learn that not everybody wishes to own a picture of a pink winged horse slaying the unworthy races of the east with its fiery hooves.
Adolf is a puzzle. In one respect he is brilliant, in another one might take him fit for the remedial group. Adolf can accurately place every city in Europe on a map without fail, name the rivers which flow through them, their populations, ethnic make-up, major industries and even the number of troops currently garrisoned there. However, when asked to shade in the countries of Europe he seems unable to do anything but colour the entire map red and label it Deutschland.
He appears to have little interest in the wider geography of the world. Given a map of the Far East in class he refused to even look at it, claiming that Asia was “purely a matter for the Japanese”.
I would advise Adolf not to travel abroad if he hasn't the wit to take a more sympathetic view of other cultures and to dress more appropriately than he did on our Field-trip to Moscow. Lederhosen in a Russian winter are not apopropriate.
A. von Humboldt
|French||D-||Adolf showed great promise in French in the first few lessons, making swift progress with the language and making me believe that he was a future linguist. However, there is an obstinate side to Adolf that defies description. Once he had learned the words “Surrender”, “Mine” and the phrase “Send me your Jews” he seemed to lose all interest in the subject. One cannot begin to imagine how he could possibly think such a limited vocabulary would ever be useful to him. A great disappointment.
Nevertheless, Adolf insists that he intends to visit France in the future but I shudder to think how he will be received.
Karl der Grosse
|Chemistry||A||Outstanding. Adolf has the makings of a great chemist. Though he struggled a little at first with some of the drier, more theoretical parts of the subject, Adolf came into his own when we began laboratory synthesis. No one was keener than Adolf to participate in our research project: how to make gunpowder from standard lab reagents. It was the greatest misfortune that poor little Israel Silverstein happened to be walking past Adolf’s desk when the retort exploded. Adolf was quite overcome with remorse and wouldn’t allow anyone to touch the boy until we were quite certain he was beyond help.
Nevertheless, despite this tragic set-back, Adolf went on to improve his understanding of Mustard Gas production and went so far as to invent what I believe is an entirely new substance to science. He named this exciting compound “Zyklon B”. Sadly, there was an unexplained break-in at the school before we could fully investigate its properties. Police put the blame on the gypsies found dead with the empty gas-syringe just beyond the school grounds.
Herr Professor F. Haber
Adi has a natural affinity with dumb creatures that is a joy to behold. He was always the first to volunteer to clean out the lab mice and feed the guinea pigs, for which I thank him. Much as his natural enthusiasm for animal-husbandry was appreciated, however, he does seem to have great difficulty reading simple instructions. Feeding rodents correctly is not difficult but Adi must learn to run before he can walk. The unauthorised experiments he conducted were cruel and unnecessary.
Whilst I admire his zest for knowledge and his willingness to take risks, some of his classmates were quite upset when they saw the results. Adolf must have known that sewing the gerbil’s head onto the class bunny would not have happy consequences. His explanation that Gerbils and Rabbits did not deserve our pity because they are "Unter-Rodenten and we are the Master Species"' was both perplexing and worrisome.
Herr Professor Mengele
Adi is a strange child. He took little interest in the mechanics module of the course until I rewrote all the questions in a manner he found more accessible - "If a slave-worker can carry a 50kg mass around a 400 metre track in five minutes, how many laps of the course can he complete before expiring of exhaustion?" -and so forth. Nevertheless, he took a great interest in the electrics topic which followed.
I did not entirely approve of the experiments in which he attempted to find the highest voltage a gerbil can undertake without dying and I was frankly disappointed with the work he put into the "Gerbil Generator" project he conceived for his final term. The six parallel exercise wheels were never going to enough to generate a significant amount of electrical power. But rather than extrapolate from this small scale experiment to investigate the possibilities for larger scale alternative power sources, Adolf almost immediately began to generate power by cremating the school's entire gerbil population in giant ovens. Surely he must know that this is not what was meant by a renewable energy source.
Herr A. Heisenburg
Adolf has very definite ideas about music and seems a little disinclined to broaden his horizons in any way. He greatly enjoyed the term we spent listening to “Das Rheingold” and “Gotterdammerung” and expressed great enthusiasm for the works of Felix Mendelsohn until learning that the great man had converted to Lutheranism to avoid anti-Semitic prejudice.
More recently, we have been learning to appreciate the great work of French and Italian composers such as Scarlatti, Monteverdi and Jean-Philippe Rameau. Adolf was not much taken with this style of music and seemed to be the only person relieved when the gypsies who broke into the school smashed all the Baroque recordings in the music department. Fortunately, they left behind several recordings of martial music and Oompah bands which Adolf appeared to find much more to his taste.
|Physical Education||F||Adolf has refused to participate in any sporting activity since the commencement of term. Despite repeated beating and detentions he failed to bring the correct kit to a single PE lesson. When I questioned him in private he admitted that this is because he is embarrassed to get undressed in front of his peers, due to his uni-testicular condition.
In consideration of this, I arranged for him to drill with the school’s marching band during PE. However, despite great enthusiasm and some obvious ability on the bass-drum, he seems incapable of marching without goose-stepping across the outfield with one arm pointing skyward.
F. A. Beckenbauer
|Form Tutor's Report||N/A||
Adolf is a boy who can make friends and enemies with equal facility. He inspired loyalty and almost fanatical devotion amongst a select group of his age-mates which suggests that great things are possible in the future. However, there is also something of the bully about Adolf: his insistence that both Klaus and Alexzander wear pink triangles and armbands embroidered with the word “Faggot” simply because he had seen them hold hands was disturbing. That, and his insistence of wearing the shortest of PT shorts whatever the weather, give me serious cause for concern.
Perhaps this is not the place to mention it, but I hope I will never again walk into the boys’ dormitory to be confronted with a scene like the one I witnessed last Thursday. Adolf must surely know that a red silk negligee and fishnets does not constitute school uniform.
|Headmaster's Comment||N/A||Before he leaves our little community to venture into the wider world, I would like to take this opportunity to thank Adolf for everything he has done for Archduke Phillip Technical School. Without his rousing oratory I doubt we would ever have inspired the children to invade the playing fields of our neighbouring school. Now, however, our flag flies proudly above Grand Duchess Viktoria Gymnazium. Lebensraum at last.
Thank you, Adolf.
Herr Doktor P. von Hindenburg
| Cream of the Crap|
This article was one of the Top 10 articles of 2010.