Terminology of the British Isles
The British Isles is a geographical term (a polite way of glossing over the fact that the backward bit of Ireland used to be part of Britain until the English finally gave up trying to establish some kind of rudimentary civilisation for the leprechauns, Guinness drinkers and bog-dwellers living there). The Isles are located in the North Atlantic, about 2,000 miles off the Newfoundland coast. Just follow the stench of garlic and poodle droppings and then turn left a bit. There are four main and around eighty small islands making up the British Isles. The main islands are Great Britain, Northern Ireland, Chavtopia and the Isle of Man.
The United Kingdom
The United Kingdom comprises five countries: England, Wales (sheepland), Scotland, Beirutand Legoland. However, the UK is such a amazing country, and its citizens have so much fucking pride, that Scotland, Wales and Ireland don't even want to be in the same country anymore. The union is only held together by a shared interest in drinking to excess and picking fights with passers-by for "looking at me in a funny way". Each country divides into several counties. The United Kingdom of Great Britain and northern Ireland is usually referred to as "Britain", because the full title is too long to put on a stamp, and because it annoys some of the Irish (the ones with the loud voices who dress like Buddhist Homepride flour graders quite like to be called British).
Britain is mostly made up of Scotland. Coming into some money when its auntie died, Scotland had some extra bits attached, including England, which it uses as a decoy so that American tourists will wander around England instead, so that desperately needed tourist money can be injected into their economy. It is widely believed that Ireland broke free from Scotland during a particularly windy afternoon. Ireland then became lonely and developed a split personality: the poor dear now believes it is two separate countries, and the rest of the world has chosen to play along in the hopes it will wise up by itself. Wales is completely non-committal about everything and, as such, does not have a fully-fledged government and has decided to only have an assembly. This means that dealing with important national matters is often interrupted by RE lessons. They insist on speaking Welsh, because it annoys the English and is more soothing to sheep during romantic candlelit dinners. Wales also pwn everyone else in Britain at throwing a ball around, yeah... Britain is the home of the worst wristwatch in the world, which make the Hells themselves cry out in agony when they are made to look upon it. In 2012, after the Olympics have demonstrated yet again how crap we are at athletics, Britain intends to hand over the country to the highest bidder. Or the lowest, we're not fussy. Although whoever it is must have big tits.
Great Britain isn't very great and is the largest aircraft carrier in the US Navy. The word "Great" was inserted into the name by the government to make the country feel better after a severe ego-bruising argument with Poland in 1972, believed to relate to the ownership of Newcastle. Poland almost wrangled the city, before stomping out of negotiations and going to sulk in its room for around five or six hours, listening to emo music turned up just loud enough so England couldn't block out the lyrics about suicide, mutilation, etc. England has as such felt slightly guilty ever since and is therefore allowing hundreds upon thousands of Poles onto its boot shaped land in return. If you look at the island of Britain from space (or if you can't be bothered, you could just use a map) you will see that it bears a striking resemblance to a witch riding on (possibly raping) a pig. Therefore, anyone in the east of Great Britain should realise that they are living on a pig's arse. Other theories suggest that Britain is actually a holy manifestation of a male masturbationary toy, or a "fleshlight". If this is the case, then many argue that due to the recent whoring out of Britain to the good ol' USA, (USAUSausausa..ok. fine.) and the resemblance and positioning of the state Florida to that of America's potential penis: the Country should hence forth be referred to as America's Sex Toy of Choice. Great Britain is attached to the mainland of Europe by the Channel Tunnel. This prevents Great Britain from floating off into the North Atlantic and hitting Florida, thus realizing its holy use: the pleasure of the Holy Empire of George Bush (that's what USA stands for).
Britain, Britain Britain!
|This page was originally sporked from Britain.|