Lizzie Borden

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Lizzie Borden was a crazy bitch. She was born sometime after Jesus but before cocaine.


~ If her father first gave her 41 whacks, then perhaps she would have learned some manners on Alicia Keys

“She really sucks....a lot.”

~ Lizzie Borden's Dad on Lizzie Borden

“Shit niggz, you came what you had to do and YOU GOT IT DONE, bitch!”

~ The cast of the Departed on Lizzie Borden

“Lizzie Borden was ugly”

~ Captain Obvious on Lizzie Borden


Lizzie Borden was the daughter of two rich aristocrats, Julius Caesar and Dick Van Dyke. She was routinely told to do insane things such as clean her room and do her homework. Since LiveJournal had not been invented yet, poor Lizzie had nowhere to vent her rage. As a result, she became psychotic.

One night she snapped and killed her parents with a bottle of axe deodorant. This act, and the trial that followed (where she entered a plea of 'not guilty by reason of bribery') were immortalized in the following children's song:

Lizzie Borden took some axe
And gave her mother 40 sprays
When she saw what she had done,
She gave her father 95.

Later the song was re-tooled to rhyme, but the rhyming version is factually inaccurate:

Lizzie Borden ate some cake
And took a dip inside the lake
When her parents said "get out"

The murders spawned one of the most famous quotes in today's popular culture, said by Ceaser as Lizzie struck the final 95th spray: "Et tu, Lizzie Borden?"

The Trial[edit]

When the police figured out that Lizzie was the culprit, they arrested her. The trial that followed was long and difficult.

Judge Mathis presided and the jury was composed of 18 males, 34 females, and an alligator. Lizzie and her attorneys bribed the jury to come back with a verdict of not guilty and the judge to favor the defense. They were brazen about doing so, as the following court transcript shows:

Prosecution: "And, officer Hayes, is it true that you found Lizze holding the axe as you came into the residence?"
Witness: "Yes."
Defense: "Objection! This testimony is inflammatory."
Judge: "How so?"
Defense: "I dunno. Want some money?"
Judge: "Sustained!"

The jury took 12.5 minutes to deliberate before coming back with a verdict of "the alligator has eaten half the jury oh god sombody help us." This wasn't quite what the defense was aiming for, but close enough.

After the Trial[edit]

After the trial, Lizzie retired to her home in Tokyo. Here she became known as Lezzie Borden and made a fortune off of her homemade videos.

After which she killed the actors and producers, she killed them with new comedy material that is....