Lloyd Irving

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Lloyd Irving's October 2007 Employee of the Month photo

Lloyd Irving (July 13, 2004 - November 11th, 2008) was the protagonist of Tales of Symphonia, the master of the Symphonian harem, and a part-time Starbucks employee. His major accomplishments include defeating the Disco King Mithos Yggdrasill with his own disco stick and bridging the gap between hot and cold coffee. He also had several sexual relations with his best friend, and eventual husband, Genis. Unfortunately, after appearing in so many terrible games, Lloyd Irving successfully committed suicide after having a supporting role in Tales of Symphonia 2, an even worse sequel to the already terrible original. He is survived by his husband Genis, who has since gone on to have had a rather quick relationship with Zelos; a transvestite from another world.

Backstory[edit]

Lloyd Irving was born to Disco Lord Kratos Aurion and topless dancer Anna "Pole Princess" Irving after a chance tryst in the back of a Desian strip club. However, after Anna died of a cocaine overdose and Lord Kratos left home to work for Disco King Mithos Yggdrasill, Lloyd was left in the care of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. This harbored in him a great resentment towards all things disco, and as a young man he vowed to destroy Cruxis, the intergalactic dance floor that took his father away from him.

Growing up, Lloyd was always a little different from the other children. For one thing, he was raised by a colorfully animated orgy of Disney characters. The fact that he was functionally retarded didn't help either. Lloyd's teacher, Raine Sage, once described her pupil as "dumber than a baby with Downs syndrome whose head had been whacked repeatedly with a 2x4". However, this did not deter Lloyd from his grand ambitions of revenge and world domination.

The Journey[edit]

At the tender age of seventeen, Lloyd left home with his childhood friend and fuckbuddy, Colette Brunel, on a journey to save the world. He began to have second thoughts about this decision when Colette caught the AIDS and began to turn into a zombie. However, unwilling to let the first member of his grand harem turn into a disease-ridden corpse, he and his team of gung-ho wizards, ninjas, and pirates set out to find a cure for AIDS. Eventually the cure was successfully applied to Colette during a secret occult ritual involving the summoning of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, in which Zelos' isolated sister Seles Wilder was used as a sacrificial virgin.

After curing Colette, Lloyd discovered that the mastermind behind his bitch's AIDS was none other than the Disco King, Mithos Yggdrasill, who forced his father to abandon him fourteen years earlier. Cursing Cruxis and their disco-dancing ways, Lloyd used the power of the Eternal Sword to strike down Yggdrasill and erase the presence of disco from the world forever.

Bitches don't know 'bout my Demon Fang!

Aftermath[edit]

After Lloyd vanquished the Disco King, he went on to form, with the sponsorship of the Lezareno Company, the largest harem in the history of Sylvarant: The Symphonian Harem. This included Colette Brunel, the buxom ninja Sheena Fujibayashi, Lloyd's teacher Raine Sage, the axe-loli Presea Combatir, the fabulous Zelos Wilder, the bondage freak Regal Bryant, his father Kratos Aurion, his half-elf bro Genis Muthahfuckin' Sage, Mithos' sister Martel Yggdrasill, Yuan Coffee (formerly known as Yuan No-Last-Name), Monica Lewinski, Jessica Simpson, and Ron Paul. Lloyd's harem is still in operation, and will stay that way until, in the words of its founder, "'Scuse me, I would answer your silly questions, but I have a certain busty ninja chick waiting to suck my dick Eternal Sword."

To fund his carnal hobbies, Lloyd also began working part-time at Starbucks. His brewing skills and charisma attract hundreds of customers per day, each of them eager to see whether they will be served hot or cold coffee. The manager of the Iselia branch said, as he awarded Lloyd the title of Employee of the Month last October, "I've never seen a more hard-working employee in all my years as manager. That Irving kid is a goddamn bean-grinding motherfucker." Although complaints are filed against him on a daily basis for serving them coffee of the wrong temperature (and lying about it), these complaints are always dismissed with a hearty "fuck off" and/or a mysterious disappearance.

Recent Activities[edit]

Recently, however, Lloyd has gone flat out evil. Well, either that or the Luke Fon Fabre-clone Emil Castagnier is a complete an utter n00b and should be dealt with in a similar fashion to Disco. Or maybe Lloyd's just pissed that Emil stole his position in Tales of Symphonia Firey Emblem: Radiant Dawn of the New World. Not much is known about what the hell is going on, but it is clear that he took the lamest followers of the Disco King and used them to burn a lame town.

There are also rumors that he went on a goofy adventure with Siegfried Schtauffen.