Llynowylldain Dwrgynnwllwr

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On a clear May morning in 93² A.D., in the ancient and revered Vale of Llnwystrwdllwllch, Lady Rhyn ap Iorwerth ap Maerysgodychllawnargochmawr ap Ddwresgidiaullynbechbachollnewyddtrallwngmabinogiogiollawrotipynostadmileniwmteledupwllnofiod-dringodangosdaiawncoffihoffitecathcaermawrpenbryniogogopowerrangersgogogoch called for the drunken butler to bring her a tin of rosewater. All knew what this meant -- an heir, an heir was on the way!

The flags were flown high on every mountain in the realm. Soon, flags waved and wrinkled in brilliant Welsh semaphore as the name of the new heir was unveiled: "Gunther P". Soon, the flags waved an hasty retraction as the name was revised to that familiar name that we all know and love: "Melvil P". Sore arms prevailed throughout the land as the latest correction was unveiled. This went on for months, until, finally, a humble pastor named Llanfair Davies used his magic sceptre to force Lady Rhyn to name the baby "something female, in Welsh, dammit".

Something Female, In Welsh, Dammit's precious, feminine name was changed to Llynowylldain Dwrgynnwllwr in 1971.


Lady Llynowylldain's family had arranged her a marriage to a Saxon dustman, Burt Schmecken, long before she was born. However, his soft, smooth temperament -- often likened to the hind end of an infant, or a coin of tuppence worn down by time -- was not suited to the feisty Llynowylldain's temperament. Instead, she ran off with King Brutus XVIII of Norway. Her descendants still write rings over A's.

In the meantime, she had several feisty affair with Lloyd Llewellyn, Lord of Frippery and well known dandy. His children, Haakon and Grethe, write the most fashionable Å's in all of Norway.


The first televised show on the BBC was a live showing of a root canal procedure being performed on Lady Llynowylldain in 1941. Its popularity caused Lady Llynowylldain to return for three more root canals, all televised across the Commonwealth. All received the highest ratings in BBC history, and are today the subject of much academic study.

Selected Works[edit]

Famous for painting portraits, including:

  • 1776: Lady Hamilton on Doggie (Doggie won Best of Show at Swansea in 1995)
  • 1820: Self-portrait on Shite
  • 1852: Edam (which sold on eBay for tuppence in 2001)
  • 1907: Arthur Wellesley Lord Wellington at the Battle of Salamanca on Horse Crap
  • 1918: Angel of the Mons in macaroni on construction paper
  • 2003: Walt Disney on undisclosed fecal matter
  • 2005: That Guy on a canvas of fine Colombian drug money


Nostradamus predicted that Lady Llynowylldain would meet her end in a fiery car crash in Paris in 2005. This came to pass, and she and her end became fast friends. They are said to correspond nightly.

As of this writing (21 August 2005), Lady Llynowylldain is "still kickin' about", according to her agent.

See Also[edit]