Locust

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“They put my South African lawn boy out of business.”

~ Oscar Wilde on locusts

“Gluing carpet to your genitals does not make you a cantaloupe”

~ The Locust on genitals
Leader of the Locust Gang.

A locust (Locutus borgus) is a beserking grasshopper imbued with great power for the purpose of divine retribution. They are almost strictly used in on the African and Asian continents to punish unbelievers.

Priming[edit]

On the lower midgut section of every grasshopper you will find a small bulb or sac. This contains the locust's go juice. Simply push the bulb in with your index finger six to eight times to charge the circulatory system of the insect. Release charged insect with both hands in upward sweeping motion, this should start the beserking process. Be sure to scream out in a voice mimicking agony the name of the person or persons you wish the locust to consume off the face of the earth. The locust will pick up other locusts on his way to perish your enemies. One example of this was the 1929 Stock Market Crash.

God, with his omnipotent power, is able to prime and release millions of locusts simultaneously. He doesn't need to scream anything, grasshopper is his second language.

Natural Enemies[edit]

Locusts have been known to swarm not only baby humans, but their rivals- the cicada. Pioneers of North America hired Chinese gangster Kwai Chang Caine to breed locusts in an effort to wipe out noisy cicadas. This plan backfired when Caine betrayed the pioneers using his locusts to create havoc throughout the Rockies. Caine was eventually killed by the leader of the Cicada gang- Buffalo Bill.

Locusts are also involved in ongoing war with some of the Soliders of the Coalition of Organised Government, particularly, Carmine.

They can eat their weight in ten men in one hour!

Diet[edit]

Danger! Locusts will eat any animal or vegetable matter that cannot defend itself. Do not attempt to defend yourself with celery, they will eat the celery, and then eat you!

Locusts have been known to eat:

  • Whole Wheat
  • Whole Grain
  • Whole Families
  • Livestock
  • Deadstock
  • Concert Goers at Live Aid
  • Your leavings from the buffet, nice job pig, why did you go back twice?
  • Imulsion
  • Rockworms(Particularly the rock part)
  • Bullets from Carmine


242 Day.jpg Divine Retribution
Smite | Damnation | Flagellation | Flood | Death of Your First Born | Frogs | Pestilence
Fire and Brimstone | Famine | Cancer | Papercuts of Doom | Damaged goods | Reaganomics
Spontaneous Combustion | Decapitation Disease | Brainsplurge | Marriage | Melenoma | Pedicornwallification