Lol, Jesus

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lol "Pwns0r" Jesus was born in 1337 B.C. on a farm in Nazi Germany to Original Jesus and some nerd who plays WoW. His mad h4x0r skills are widely acclaimed by many, although he may be less major among the realm of Jesii. But everyone knows lol, Jesus is the best.

lol, Jesus is a sort of underdog Jesus that keeps climbing its way to the top on the hierarchy of Jesusdom. He even has his own disciples, followers, and testement, just like a big boy. The Church of lol, Jesus was originally based in Trenton, New Jersey, but he quickly got out of that fuckhole and relocated to Röcken, Saxony-Anhalt, Germany.

Early Days[edit]

lol, Jesus was actually born "Jimmy lol, Jesus Christ", but the name never stuck, as apparent by the countless beatings he fell victim to in grade school. Or maybe it was because of his small penis. Erectile dysfunction never garnered him any friends.

At any rate, young Jimmy Christ was unpopular in school. He contemplated long and hard on why he had no friends. At last, he came to the conclusion that the name Jimmy sounded a little...well, femmy. Using his holy powers and power acquired from eating a can of spinach, Jimmy dropped the Jimmy and changed his name to lol, Jesus Christ.

lol, Jesus then swiftly dealt with each individual bully. He gave them all a kick in the crotch in one felled swoop. That taught the little fucks not to mess with lol, Jesus.

lol, Jesus is F'ing Metal[edit]

It is well known that lol, Jesus is sick on the six string. One day, he was laying on a tasty lick when he was approached by Chuck Norris and God. They all jammed together, and in 1909, lol, Jesus, Chuck Norris, and God banded together to form a new supergroup called Metallica. With lol, Jesus on the axe, Chuck Norris on the drums, and God slapping the bass, the power trio toured the globe and went sextuple platinum - twice.

Metallica rode to the top on their wildly successful album "The Holy Trinity", with bilboard-topping songs such as "Roundhouse Kickin'!", "We're Holy, So Take Your Top Off", and "Don't Look Now, But Chuck Norris is Right Behind You". The climax of their career was their performance at Woodstock, 1947. Unfortunately, lol, Jesus, during the last song of the set, spontaneously combusted on stage.

lol, Jesus Will Never Die!![edit]

Surprise! He can see you!

Just like Elvis or spam e-mail, lol, Jesus will never die. He still looks down at his followers from Heaven. He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you're awake.He knows where you are ALL TIMES! He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for fuck's sake! Don't forget that he also watches you in the bathroom.

Trivia[edit]

  • lol, Jesus counted to infinity - twice.
  • lol, Jesus's mortal enemy is Coldplay...but then again, who's isn't?
  • lol, Jesus is now and will always be a card-carrying member of the Capitalist Party.
  • No one blasphemes lol, Jesus and lives to tell the tale.
  • lololololololololloolololololololololololol rofl
  • it is well known that Jesus can walk on water, but it is little known that lol, Jesus can swim through land

Discography[edit]

  • Metallica I (1939)
  • Metallica II: Revenge of the Heavy Metal Maniacs (1940)
  • The Holy Trinity (1942)
  • The Holy Triforce (1943)
  • The Holy Trifecta (1944)
  • Shit, Son! (Rap Remake) (1945)
  • Yo' Momma! (1946)
  • Holy Crap, lol, Jesus Just Frickin' Blew Up! (1947, Live From Woodstock)
  • OMGWTFBBQ!! (Greatest Hits) (1949)

Videography[edit]

Metallica's most popular album, although no one knows why the fuck they have four symbols if it's a trinity...
  • We Be Rollin' (Live Footage) (1972)
  • Do People Still Listen To Our Music Anymore? (Documentary) (1975)
  • Turn the Camera Off!! (Chuck Norris's Sex Tape) (1979)

Pornography[edit]

  • Deep Throat (1980)
  • We're Like Turnips: Our Tops May Be White, But Our Bottoms Are Still Green! (1992)

See Also[edit]