London Beer Flood

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Good Small.png Nominated Article
This article has been nominated for highlighting on the front page—you can vote for it or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH. Please see this article's entry.
Londoners trying to keep their wits as so much beer goes to waste.

The London Beer Flood took place in the parish of Saint Giles, London when an immense vat belonging to the Meux and Company Brewery erupted. The vat contained almost 8,000 drums of beer and upon rupture released a 15-foot high wave. The enormous wave rushed down the streets, destroying buildings and inebriating all in its path.

The mess took over two hours for Londoners to clean up because they did not have an adequate amount of drinkware to scoop up the dregs and consume the mess. This led to the great 1815 reform of the London fire service which still exists today, where each firefighter's tool belt now includes a frosted beer stein for such situations. The courts ruled it an Act of God and absolved Meux and Company of any wrongdoing.


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about London Beer Flood.

The English Department of Health and Booze Consumption has very detailed records of the incident. According to their archives, "Meux Brewery stored several large drums filled to the brim with frothy beer. The worst-case beernario occurred on October 17, 1814, when one of the large drums containing 610,000 gallons of beer ejaculated their contents. This plethora of beer began a chain of orgasms. The massive spurts caused severe damage to the other drums, with each drum, eventually overwhelming the brewery walls when a final climax of beer smashed them down. There was much beery emission."


The flood nears its end and liver failure begins.

1.4 million gallons of English beer rushed through the streets, understandably causing panic that the beer would go to waste. Many swam outside trying to carry glasses, kettles, and pots for storing the beer. Others opened their mouths and lapped the beer up as it swept them downstream. Neighbors eventually called the army, who upon their arrival found floating bodies and decided it was time to end the party and clean up.

Meux Brewery came out of it better than the victims and the rest of St. Giles. The Brewery was taken to court but the judge and jury decided that it was God's mysterious work. Therefore no one was to blame, except God. However, God didn't show up for his court date and authorities are still looking for him.

To keep from going bankrupt, Meux petitioned Parliament for reimbursement of the beer that was drank. Parliament rejected this request and instead passed an act which allowed the company to brew twice the volume of beer the following year.

Years after clean up, the neighborhood is still sticky and stinks of stale beer. Though they tried to mask the smell by demolishing the brewery in 1922, and building the Dominion Theatre, you can still walk through St. Giles and get a drunken buzz by simply breathing.


During a beer chugging contest, a man reached down to refill his glass and unknowingly scooped up a used condom. The condom inflated in his esophagus and caused him to die of herpes.

In attempts to clean up, a man began drinking the spate right off the streets hoping he could save the slums of St. Giles. He soon passed out and died a few days later from alcohol poisoning.

Eight people died in total, most being women and children because the lazy fucks didn't have jobs. This saved their husbands and father’s lives because most of the men of St. Giles were still at work during the time of the flood. Had it happened later in the day, there certainly would have been more deaths by alcohol poisoning and domestic violence.

The wounded were taken to a hospital, where their presence nearly caused a riot. Other patients could smell them, and were convinced that the nurses were serving them beer and demanded their portion.

Flawless Victories[edit]

An alcoholic mother died from embarking on a free piss-up, leaving her drunken three-week-old fetus to fend for herself, who soon found out she too loved the taste of beer and died from fetal alcohol poisoning. A near-by tavern, Tavistock Arms, collapsed trapping a bar whore under a wall and causing her to drown. Since she was used to choking and had little to no gag-reflex, there is a myth that she truly died because she was sucking the cock of an alcoholic man and died of alcohol poisoning after swallowing his cum.

Once the initial terror had diminished, many were curious to see what "death by beer" looked like. They flocked to the homes of the victims. Families began charging a toll for viewing their homes, or what was left of them, and the corpse of their dead family members. At one point, so many people crowded into a home that the floor collapsed and persons present were hurtled into the basement below that was still half-filled with beer the family was hoarding. One of them suffered a cut on his leg which led to a fatal infection, making him the London Beer Flood's final victim.