London Overground

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London overground is a project currently being undertaken by TFL to spend vast amounts of public money doing very little. naughty naughty

Flush with the success of the London Underground, the most efficient and expensive way of making yourself late in history, TFL decided to embark on the ambitious project of the London overground, which involves taking an existing network of railway lines around London which are above ground, changing the logos on the trains and pretending that this has been some sort of fantastic engineering feat. Initial consultation suggested that Londoners would not be able to adapt to this new form of transport with its lack of claustrophobia, cramped conditions and ear-splitting noise. However TFL said that passengers would "just have to live with it" and explained that they were looking into ways of re-creating conditions on the Tube, such as turning the air conditioning off in the summer to a standard that would be unacceptable to animal standards agencies.


Construction work began on the 'new' rail-link in 1704, only being slightly hampered by the fact that the train wasn't going to be invented for a further 100 years. The initial stage of the project is due to completed some time this century, making it the shortest ever completion time for a civil engineering project in British history. Work undertaken so far includes:

  • Moving the signs at every station 3.5cm to the left for feng-shui purposes;
  • Demolishing several perfectly good bridges to make way for new ones going in exactly the same direction at a cost of £14,000,000,000,000.99

Upon completion passengers will be able to travel directly from croydon to Richmond (a geographical distance of around 10 miles) in just under 4 days, via Shoreditch, Gospel Oak and Budapest.

The initial idea of overground was to allow as many interchanges with other lines in and around London as possible. However, it has since been pointed out that timetables are deliberately designed to prevent passengers making logical connections between trains and this has been the case for years. In fact, nobody has ever managed to successfully change trains in Britain during a journey within the same 24 hour time period. The closest anyone has ever come was a James Rowbottom in 1992. He almost reached a connecting service at Clapham Junction, but, fortunately, having crossed 85 platforms and a moat, was apprehended just as he was about to board the train by vigilant station staff. He was, however allowed to catch the following train on the January 9th 1996. (Following this incident, crocodiles were installed in the moat in 2004, and after initial teething trouble were fully operational by 2005.)

Because of the problem, the whole project was put in jeopardy, luckily however, a solution has recently been provided.

Chav branch of the Circle Line[edit]

It has been noted that the network passes through several of the most deprived areas in London, such as London. It has therefore been suggested that the line be extended to form a complete circle, and rebranded to be called the "Chav Line". Tickets for trains can then be sold to the local chavs, rudeboys, wideboys, gangstas, hoodies, hooligans and assorted rif-raf, whereupon they are put on a train which continues round the line without stopping until the second coming (or until Ken Livingstone is voted back in, whichever happens first). This has the double bonus being a sustainable business model as there are an infinite number of chavs, and it keeps them out of central London. The M25 was built to perform a similar function.

[edit]

The Final design
The provisional logo

TFL needed a new and vibrant logo to accompany the new line. After spending 18 months locked in a monastery in Nepal, they eventually came up with a painterly new look.

However, it was decided that this did not adequately reflect 21st century public transport (not realising the irony that their train service also does not adequately reflect 21st century public transport), so they instead decided to just put a sticker over the "under" part of the old underground logo, at a cost of just £2,000,000. Per sign.

The Map[edit]

The Sensible Solution

Out of the many rail routes in London Transport for London could have taken over, the silliest and most inaccessible were chosen for good measure. For example Richmond, an affluent area of London, to Stratford, a less well off area of East London.