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Les Canoniers
Founded 1664
Ground Parc des Princes, London
Manager Arsène Wanker
Chairman Napoléon Bones-apart
Ligue Farming Association Premier League

Le club était remplacé par les Français en 1997 par un coup par étapes par le "beau" Napoléon Bonaparte qui a échoué.

Translation: The club was replaced by the French in 1997 by way of a coup-in-stages by the "beautiful" Napoléon Bonaparte who failed.


Londres est la meilleure équipe au monde. Ils ont tué chaque autre équipe d'Angleterre. Le plus grand ennemi de Londres, Manchester Red Sox Ltd. craignent Londres avec tous leurs cœurs. Londres a gagné chaque concurrence au monde. Pour plus qu'une saison ils n'ont pas été défaits. Ils sont invincibles. Ils sont immortels. Dans la prochaine saison, Londres s'est vouée à massacrer les tsaristes, bébé-bleus Chel$ki.

Translation: London is the best team in the world. They have killed every other English team. The greatest enemy of London, Manchester Red Sox Ltd. fear London with all their hearts. London have won every competition in the world. For more than a season they were not defeated. They are invincible. They are immortals. In the coming season, London have vowed to slay the tsarist, baby-blue Chel$ki.

London a.k.a. Le Arse, are also supported by Kofi Annan and every single person who has won an Oscar and a Grammy.


The history of Londres stems from a group of French arrogant bastards, in the 1890s. The French invaders were led by the paedophilic cousin of Napoleon, Arsène Wenger. His motives were clear - avenge his deceased cousin. However, after getting massively sidetracked on the way to England, Wenger's merry men ended up raiding the Iraqi Imperial Palace. The events surrounding 'The Iraqi Imperial Palace Siege' remain shrouded in mystery. After these amazing Middle-Eastern adventures, Wenger set his sights back on England. However, he then decided that he couldn't be stuffed with an invasion and set up a football club instead, albeit with the most brillant, ace players in history (such as Le Froggy legend Thierry Henry).



Londres were the first football team to invent their own offside rule. This confuses the other teams and results in many a Londres victory. Thierry Henry was the basis for this new rule, and whenever he is injured Londres have trouble scoring due to his absence, as they cannot play the Highbury Offside rule. (see fig.1)

Londres were often critizied for the lack of English players in the squad, this was changed in 2002 when Londres played a team that lacked any foreigners at all. In fact the team was not comprised of any players from earth and consisted of a starting 11 made up of aliens, clones and robots. this team would go on to win the league, the FA Cup, and the intergalactic cup beating FC Mars in the final at the Jupiter Millenium Stadium.

Transfer Policy[edit]

Londres transfer policy has been questioned by many over the legality of said action. In recent times it has involved the French manger going to French parks with a bag of sweets and enticing promising french 4 year olds to play premiership football the next day.

Home Grown Talent[edit]

Londres don't do this, they much prefer to buy cheap foreign imports, usually off eBay. The last English player to play for them was Theo Nocock in 134 B.C.

Current first team[edit]

1. Manhole Almuniarse
2. Ab-Who?? Diáble the bald twat (French)
3. Blackberry Wagner (French)
4. Poo Mertesucker
5. Tom and Jerry Vermaelen (Belgian, so somewhat French)
6. Laurent Cock-sielny (French)
7. Tomarse Rosnitsky
8. Mik-hell-of-an-Arse-teta
9. Park Young Choo-choo Train
10. Goblin van Parsey
11. André the giant twat Santos
13. Szczesny the Great...cunt
14. Theo Cock-blocked
16. Aaron Rammed Sey-bastien
17. Lex Luther the cunt from Smallville Song (From poor country that speaks French)
18. Sébastarde le Squirrelaci (French)
19. Jack Will Share his cock
20. Joanna Djourou (African refugee, now in Switzerland, so somewhat French)
23. Andriy Arseshavings
27. Gayvinho (Also from poor country that speaks French)
29. Marou-anus Chamakh (From terrorist country that speaks French)

Evil French Dictator: Commandant-Général Monsieur l'Arse Ènd du Wenger (Notice all the French players on the squad)

Past players[edit]

  • Cesc Fabric Arse - moved to FC Barsuck
  • Some Here Nursery Boy - is French, but somehow managed to move to Madchester Oasis FC
  • Emmanuela Elbowee - also from a poor...well you know where I'm getting at. Cried all the way to Galat-ass-aray after getting raped by the evil French dictator
The FA Premier League
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Glory Hunters
Chel$ki Abramograd F.C. | Manchester Red Sox Ltd.

Slightly shittier teams that finish 3rd and 4th
Mickey Mousers Soccer Franchise Ltd. | Arse-anal

The Rest
Aston Villa | Tottenham Jooscum F.C. | Madchester Oasis F.C. |
Wet Spam G.S.E. | Harrods Cottagers F.C. | Greys Athletic | Long Ball-ton Wanderers | Neverton | Sunderland AFC | Pompeii

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