Lord of Dragons

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Lord of Dragons is an epic fantasy series created by pulp author Ephraim B Smain. Despite several contenders, it is still considered the worst fantasy series ever.

When Smain reached the age of twelve, his father threatened to throw him out if he, in his own words, 'didn't get off the damn couch and do something'. The young Smain, with trademark wit, replied: 'I'm thirsty.'

Smain wandered the country for a while, learning the trade of his father and completely ignoring it, while also writing the first Lord Of Dragons novel, To Serve A Dragonlord.

After many years trying to sell To Serve A Dragonlord to publishers, Smain finally decided that he should edit the works himself. He did so after many nights with a whiskey bottle and a typewriter. As a result, the first edition of To Serve A Dragonlord was riddled with spelling errors and unfinished side plots, much like Dungeons and Dragons. Such editions are held in high regard, mostly because it is extremely difficult to misspell 'it', let alone a comma.

Since the book was highly popular, pressure was high for a sequel, and Ephraim B Smain delivered. The next novel, The Scourge of Dragons, was even more popular and poorly worded than the first, which is no mean feat, trust me.

Smain's novels are not without criticism. Tom Clancy, for instance, called them 'highly unoriginal and lacking in vocabulary, grammar or covert operations by spies'. Smain responded by claiming that Tom Clancy 'sucked'. He later amended this to claim Clancy 'really sucked'. He then attempted to throw a punch at Clancy, missed, and was arrested for being drunk, disorderly and naked. After a long time in rehab for both authors, friendships and forheads were patched up and they now intend to write a book together, called Dragons In Russia.

According to a March 2003 interview with Ephraim Smain, George R R Martin is his single greatest arch-nemesis, not counting Skeletor. He promised he would "bring on a smackdown of pain" to George R R Martin's "ass" in "the ring", and that he would "send him crying for his momma". Since he lacked pants at the time, most think this was either made in jest or a state of drunkenness. When R R Martin himself was asked about this, he replied: 'Who the hell is Ephraim Smain?'

Damn, That's One Shitload of Dragons[edit]

"Damn! That's one shitload of dragons!" is a quote that appears in almost every single Lord of Dragons novel. It first appeared in Power of Dragons, and has appeared in almost every novel ever since. It was first spoken by Parandir the Short, after inadvertently stumbling into a cave and discovering that there was, indeed, one shitload of dragons.

The Movie[edit]

There is also a motion picture concerning Lord of Dragons. It will be directed by famous grindhouse director Deaton Rugman and stars Jeremy Irons.

When asked about the movie, Ephraim B Smain replied: "Yes! Take that, RR Martin! Bet you don't have a movie!" Once informed RR Martin 'had' a series by HBO, Smain commented: "Don't be a smartass." Smain refused to comment any more on the film, mostly because he was still wearing boxer shorts.

Sarah Palin, dragon politician


The Lord of Dragons wiki

Note: Probably a rip off of that Penny Arcade thing.