Loud cell phone talkers

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Shit! My cell phone battery just went dead & some honky cops want to arrest me because I can't find my Twinkies! - A fat, ugly, bearded lady slut.

“Did you find that case of Twinkies yet? What the fuck you mean you can't hear me! I'm been yelling at the top of my lungs for the last 16 hours in an Amtrak quiet car out here in nowhere Oregon & you just now telling me you can't hear me! Go find my Twinkies and don't you dare eat any of them!”

~ Lakeysha Beard, Aka The Fat Bearded Lady on Spoke too loud on the quiet train - and got arrested! [1]

“He just kept on loudly saying Bah Bah Bah and he wouldn't shut up! not sure who he was talking to, but he won't be doing it anymore!”

~ Cain on Abel

History of loud cell phone talkers[edit]

WWII era poster reminding loud cell phone callers to STFU.

Loud cell phone talkers have been around since the day the cell phone was created. At first there were just sporadic reports of problem, mostly government agents talking into their shoes and homeless clowns.

The ongoing problem and health issue has become a world wide epidemic in just a few short years and the only known cure is to permanently separate the loud cell phone talker from their phone. There may still be the issue of just being flat out loud.

Who is a loud cell phone talker[edit]

This honky would not be considered a loud cell phone talker due to the fact he is using a pay phone in a phone booth.

A loud cell phone talker is a someone without any morals and decency. A scum of the Earth. They will talk on and on and on about some meaningless gibberishor some rare exotic disease or uncurable condition that can't be explained by modern science. By the way did you check the mail, I was hoping for that big check from the lawyer when I slipped & fell that one time, you remember that big snow storm last year, not that one the one after. I just can't believe it's now raining, the weatherman said it would be sunny today, Oh well, I was hoping it would be a good day to talk a long walk down to that new restaurant that the just opened, not that one, you know that new one. By the way did you know what happened to...

How to spot loud cell phone talker[edit]

Actually they aren't hard to spot. You will definitely know because you will want to bitch slap them or wish them a slow painful death.

Loud cell phone talkers are always over concerned about bars, not that kind. The also use key words like coverage, rate plan, 3G, providers. They are clueless about texting.

One surefire way to spot a loud cell phone talker is to locate the nearest mirror or shiny object and look closely, very closely.

What to do if you encounter a loud cell phone talker[edit]

An option used in the early days of the loud cell phone talkers epidemic. This technique is now considered too soft on the offending talker.

Firstly and frankly you're fucked! It's truly time to decide to either fight or flight.

Actually, most people encountering a loud cell phone talker are too perplexed to do anything & will just suffer profusely or just grin & bear it, perhaps giving some dirty looks and stares. Some are perverted enough to listen to the loud conversation and even take notes, and even join in on the conversation & give some advice to the poor recipient of the call.

Help for loud cell phone talkers[edit]

There are ways to help the offender, one option is to yell, "Why don't you just text the person! for god-sakes!" or another quick, but no so easy way is just to grab the cell phone and throw it on the floor as hard as possible, stomp on it a couple of times, and then RUN!

The Lakeysha Beard incident on Amtrak[edit]

An ugly fat bearded lady got kicked of the train in Salem due to her loud talking in the no talking section. She was calling up her all her kin folks from California to Cajun Louisiana trying to find her box of Twinkies. She also kept calling up Halle Berry to find out if she received her lost dildo from UPS.

She also spoke to Oprah Winfrey wanting to know where she can start her own talk show, "The Fat Bearded Lady Can't Sing, But Sure Can Fuck Up Your Life." She was also talking to Barack Obama about how to properly cook a possum and if she could stop by the White House, sometime when Michelle Obama was out of the house.

After Ms. Beard was dragged off the train by well trained animal control officers, The passengers were debriefed for about 16 hours, requested to recreate and relive the horrific events, and to review her cell phone conversation transcripts given by the CIA for an upcoming original movie production on the Lifetime Movie Network.

Passengers were also given rabies vaccinations, and firearms to help in the fight the loud cell phone talkers epidemic.

Other known loud cell phone talkers[edit]

Countries with loud cell phone talkers[edit]

The very latest in Swiss cell phone technology. Scientist are not sure if it will help prevent loud cell phone talking.


See Also[edit]