Louis Walsh

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Louis, yesterday.
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“Et's a fucken' Oitrage”

~ Nadine Coyle on hearing Louis is in fact Irish.

“Fucking hell! Fuck off! I'm so depressed I want to slit my own wrists! Who gave you the right to tell me what to do! I'm having that so you can piss off already! Ugh! Why are you still here! Don't you know who I am! You think I'm angry? You think this is anger?! Do you!? You won't like me when I get really angry!”

~ What Louis Walsh is least likely to say in public.

Louise Walsh is a 56-year-old leprechaun who is an actor by trade. He lives in the enchanted forest adjacent to Simon Cowell's massive estate in Berkshire. Walsh spends her spare time hunting for gold, stroking his beard, chasing after kids who've stolen his Lucky Charms breakfast cereal, ending every sentence with "To be sure", and being indecisive about her current career playing a judge on Britain's favourite sitcom, The X Factor.

Walsh began his career in England by playing the main character in one of Britain's first reality documentaries, Mister Bean, which aired during the early 1990s. He is now most famous for being very small, his obvious Irishness and his status as Simon Cowell's favourite Sunday bitch. Walsh is also the regular victim of vicious, brutal, near-death beatings from Sharon Osbourne on national television. He manages many non-talent boybands such as Westlife, Boyzone, Eggham Quigg, Leather Chaps, Boyz in Honeyz and The Nob Jockeys. He is not a homosexual and has continually and strenuously denied these claims, usually making them whilst in the passionate embrace of a 6ft 2in tall Italian he calls, 'Stallion'.

Relationships With Other X-Factor Judges[edit]

Simon Cowell[edit]

Louis Walsh had to get counselling after finally realising that he's never going to be anything like Simon Cowell. At least he's still got his trusty flute.

Cheryl Cole[edit]

Since Cheryl joined the judging panel, there has been a massive decrease in sex offenses all over Ireland. Thankfully, Louis can judge properly now that his erectile disfunction has gone. He tried to get laid, but fails, because his cock is too tiny to fit into Simon's shitter. It is generally acknowledged that Simon brought Cheryl in so she may once again give the whole of ITV AIDs. COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLL

Dannii Minogue[edit]

She is in Louis' bad books, as Louis once saw her grope Cheryl under the judges' table, and he now thinks they are in a lesbian relationship, what an idiot, everyone knows Dannii is in love with Simon ('s money)

Early Life[edit]

Born 1725, in a puppy mill, Louis Walsh was born to a leprechaun and a Setter. He early years were spent peeling potatoes and washing his mum's balls. At school he was bullied mainly due to his thick, ginger beard, the pipe he was smoking and dressing in full leprechaun regalia. He argued that if Christian's could wear crosses, Jewish people could wear those sideburn things and KKK members could wear those funny hoods then he is entitled to wear the garments of his own, personal faith.

The bullying was pretty intense, mainly focused on stealing his Lucky Charms and running off, forcing him to chase after them. He also once found that his pot of gold had been pissed in and someone had written "Loving the cock, to be sure" on the blackboard.

Managing[edit]

Louis Walsh has had an impressive number of people on his books. These include...

  • Boyzone
  • The man in the 'GoCompare' adverts.
  • Bernard Manning
  • The girl who arm-wrestles for marbles in that bone-strengthening yoghurt stuff.
  • Billy Bass
  • Connie, the AOL bird.
  • The long haired guy in the Confused dot com adverts.
  • The 17th guy who went onto that Trafalgar Square plinth art thing.
  • Westlife
  • Eggham Quigg

The Many Expressions of Louis Walsh[edit]

2 Girls 1 Cup reaction
 
'Pull my finger'
 
Smug
Smug
 
Smug
 
Where did I park again?
Bejeezus! I should have warmed that up first!
 
"We need to get all of the blacks out of the country, to be sure!
 
Out of my way, Mr. Reporter! I'm bad, I'm mean and I'm Irish
Attempting to be part of the 'in' crowd
 
Whuh?
 
How can I stop them from stealing my Lucky Charms?
Flirty
       


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